Eulogysnapshot - Blog Posts
May 10 - A Cathedral in France
The Avignon Cathedral is a looming stone building that stood beside The Palaise de Paipes, translated in english to The Palace of Popes. Atop the cathedrals bell tower is a looming statue of the Virgin Mary. Staring down at the city, it is near impossible to hide yourself from her judgemental gaze...
I have a complicated relationship with religion. I believe in a higher power, I think, but more out of a need for comfort than any real kind of conviction. The challenge, though, wasn't in a disbelief of christianities' most basic teaching, but in the way those teaching were presented by many of its followers. I could meander here for ages, but since Jesus is not the focus of this entry, let me attempt to instead be concise. A central tenant in Christianity is the idea that Jesus died on the cross so that God would forgive our sins. The belief that anyone is capable of redemption and forgiveness is at the center of the faith. While my religion. is used by many to do the opposite of this, I've always been able to consider my christian background with pride because of this.
The cathedral we're standing now in was built in the 12th century. How many people do you suppose walked across these stone floors or knelt before the Lord in this same sanctuary and prayed for their salvation? What sort of things do you suppose they prayed for? Earlier today, I and a dozen other 20 somethings were sat by a french pub in a gorgeous public square getting absolutely plastered on wine and beer...
Those 12th century siners probably would have had a number of thoughts about that behavior. But, I digress.
I've been thinking about this moment and the idea of forgiveness a lot recently. I follow the band Lovejoy and their lead singer Will Gold, know better by his internet screen name Wilbur Soot. For those not chronically online and unaware of the controversy that's been tied to that name recently, Will Gold was accused of Domestic Abuse by his Ex Girlfriend Shelby Sulick, better know as Shelby 'Shubble' Grace. For the purposes of this entry, we will not be diving into the details of those accusations. Google it if you're curious or venture forth to Twitter if you're feeling very brave and patient.
No, the question I keep coming to and that brought me back to this century old place of worship was the question of change and growth. There's a quote for a show called Bockjack Horseman that surmizes my thoughts fairly well, "There's no such thing as 'bad guys' or 'good guys' We're all just... guys, who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good because you're not bad." I've noticed a trend in social media discourse in the last decade of people picking up 'buzzword' and using them without taking the time to research what those terms fully mean. It popped up around the same point as clickbaiting. I hate both trends equally.
Popular examples such as narcicist, gaslighting, and triggered are some of my favorite overused and misunderstood psychology terms at the moment. The example that bothers me most is the use of Narcicist and Narcicistic abuse. Narcicistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable mental disorder that can be diagnosed and addressed with a professional Psychologist and medications. Not all people with NPD are abusers, and the use of NPD in Pop Psychology further pushes this idea that all people with NPD are dangerous individuals. This mindset also seems to push the idea that those who perpetuate abuse are incapable of change. Narcicistic Abuse is NOT a clinical diagnosis identified by the Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM) or the American Psychology Association (APA).
Psychology does not agree with the idea that abusers cannot improve and that 'toxic' behavior cannot be corrected. The Center for Prevention of Abuse gives a list of examples on their website explaining signs that a perpetrator is willing to improve as well as steps that you as a friend can take to help a friend with abusive tendencies. Heidi Preibe, a popular relationship youtuber open with her process of self growth, goes into detail on the steps she took herself to work toward paracticing better mindfulness and self awareness.
The central premis seems to be this: work to be aware of the behaviours you desplay that hurt others, observe the situations that trigger you to act in a harmful way, and set boundaries for yourself that push you to walk away and seek help from friends and a professional when you find yourself in those situations. If these are topics you're interested in, I would highly consider starting with Heidi's video linked below and going from there. Everyone displays toxic or narcicistic traits in their lifetime. Left unchecked, they can easily enter the realm of emotionally abusive. If you see this post and your response is 'I'm not toxic or abusive EVER. Sunshine pours out of my ass at all times.' Then you're probably the toxic pick this is directed at.
Singing in a space as old and as active as this is an experience unlike anything you will ever experience. As the sound of your voice echoes off the stone walls it will quite literally surround anyone present in that space. In choral music there is a phenomenon caused when a choir is in in perfect harmony: Overtones. These are very high echoing tones that ring in the space around you. When I imagine the sounds of angels speaking, I like to imagine they sound a bit like that. Those notes will only appear if ever singer is in tune and is completely in sink with one another. As always, communication and understanding among the vocalists is key. If your a 12th century farming begging the lordes forgiveness in a place as holy as this, I could see how a moment like that might leave an impact.
But now, it's time to turn the page to another snapshot of another moment in time. Perhaps we'll come back to this idea though. But that is for another time.
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Adendum - This post is in no way meant to suggest or imply abusive behaviour by eaither party mentioned above. All we have at this moment are statements and I will not be giving a full definitive answer om what I believe happened here until more information has come forward from both parties. This is merely a discussion on forgiveness and personal growth with links to helpful sources. It is also not meant to suggest that you should stay with an abusive partner in the hope they will change. That is a personal devision based on situation and should be discussed with friends and, if possible, a psychologist. Most sources agree that change in an abusive individual is only possible if/when the partner has left and forced them to leave.
If folks are absolutely desperate for my personal breakdown and speculations on the situation the I will address that at that time. If you go into my notes and leave disrespectul comments I will delete your comment and block you from this page.
Sources -
https://youtu.be/moynQi7qT08?si=baTzLjWTkOl4n8hI
https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/
https://lundybancroft.com/
https://youtu.be/Nrx_dXx3WUQ?si=-5aSzDedf_QejWBV