📁 Experiment 48's Logbook 📁 - Blog Posts

i think that when the scientists released me, they put a radio collar on me. idk how it would track me cause im sure the fact that i am highly radioactive would cause issues with any sort of tracking mechanisms. but maybe the radio calls and such i hear in my head from the scientists is that radio collar.

i just remember wearing something that had a blinking light on the end of a short antenna.

i can hear the scientists making observations about me still...even though in this body, i do not wear the collar physically.

maybe they somehow modified it to transmit messages through my brain as well? so that they can communicate with me even if the collar is gone?

its too soon to try and wear collars again even if i feel i should be wearing one. even if it was myself putting the collar on me, it feels too connected to all the trauma.

im not a pet, i don't need a collar. i have too much..pain associated with being made to feel like a dog. i dont wanna trigger that stuff to the surface even if i think having a collar would be affirming in some ways.

im sad that there is so much grief and pain connected to my dog side. i want to embrace it. i want to love being a dog as much as i am a wolf. but right now is not the time and i do not have the mental strength to process that trauma.

sorry for rambling about this constantly. trying to process my thoughts and writing it down helps me process things. talking it out and such.

was listening to this song all day. idk where its from but it was reccomended to me. not even the lyrics really spoke to me its just the background music is so nice.

jed the wolfdog is really the closest ive found to how i look. im a black and white wolfdog that has patterning similar to a husky or a malamute.

like his pattern is so close to mine.

ive been trying to look into what dog breed i might be and i found images of sled dogs that really hit home.

this one especially. i feel like my pattern is a mix between this sled dog and jeds's pattern.

and then the white parts of my fur glow blue at night..

had phantom pain in my tail all day today. i couldn't get my tail to stop being underneath me so i sat on it the entire shift at work and it kept aching :(

kept having a tingling sensation on the back of my neck and shoulder too. must have been my hackles being raised the entire time :(

i am beginning to suspect that the research center i was being held at was somewhere in russia. though really the only memories i have of the outside of the facility are lots of snow, very rocky and large open spaces, and not much vegetation? i am unsure of where that could be.

i wasn't allowed outside very often. very few times cause my radioactivity could leech into the surroundings. plus the scientists couldn't exactly keep me on a leash since they couldn't get very close to me.

i feel like the architecture was very brutalist. lots of concrete and steel and sharp edges.

its all very hazy.

trying to navigate figuring out what content of wolf i am and what breed i am mixed with. but it is kind of triggering to sit down and think about it.

my brain is rejecting the idea that i should associate myself with dogs at all.

even though im sure im a low content wolfdog.

i hope one day i can love my dog side. and not run away from it.

i just dont wanna acknowledge that i am domestic in any way. it feels like its proving those who hurt us right.

like yeah they were right we are just some dog and trying to pretend to be feral at all is foolish.

but I know that i am feral and wild. i may be part dog but my feralness will always be stronger.

for now at least.

just until i can learn to accept that i am also part dog.

im starting to suspect that we (the snare trap system) is another layer to the poke system.

its weird. the main system still seems to be stuck in this headspace of "we are a teen and we are still in the trauma". while our system feels more...like an actual adult? and we are able to step away from the trauma better.

the main system is stuck in the events still. like they are in a whirlpool. and we are outside observers. but we also existed in there at some point? we are just...not them anymore.

idk how else ro describe it. maybe layer is not the right term.

but the main system feels like they are still stuck in the "we are in the active abuse events". when it has been years since that has ended. we are in a safer and better place now kinda. still live with one of our kinda abusers? the main one is gone. so we are...safer than before.

it feels strange to have this sense of calm compared to Dune. Dune and I are probably the most connected out of the two systems. even Dune and Sonar are not as...similar as we are.

i feel like im a more mellow version of it. in some ways ig.

idk.

ig i shouldn't dig up too much before a stressful day. everyone in the main system is panicking and losing it. they are so scared of disappointing others. to be able to be so aware and step away from those feelings. that is what convinces me that i am totally separate from them.

i am aware i am not in the bad situation anymore. the main system is not. they still think they are a teen in many ways. i do not. they think that they are still under main abusers watch. i know that we are not.

i am clear headed rn. they are not...i wish i could help them. but their head space is like a mine field. and they are huddled in the middle of it.

i cant approach. i can only observe. Dune and Sonar are vaguely aware of me amd the others but they cannot reach us. i can see their emotions and thoughts and feelings but i cant go and talk to them.

its like being able to log into another computer in read only mode. i cannot modify anything. i can only observe. i try to leave "sticky notes" and such to help them but I know as soon as i stop fronting. there will be chaos again.

...i worry about them. but there is not much more i can do. :(

i just have to try and believe that they will be ok tomorrow.

i don't like it when others refer to me as a dog.

thats something only I can call myself.

(discussing trauma related to being treated like a pet or servent, please proceed with caution. nothing graphic is discussed but just incase)

when others call me a dog...it makes me so uncomfortable and it feels like its connected to really deeply repressed problems that the overall system has had.

being treated as a servent and being seen as something less. expected to follow orders. to stay in line. to always be at beck and call.

i can call myself a dog cause that doesn't hold any meaning behind it. but when someone else starts to treat us like a dog or call us "good boy" it triggers this...fawning in us. such a deeply rooted fear. fear connected to harmful and painful consequences if we do not do what we are told. so we try to be this "good boy". do what they want and they will leave us be. that kind of thought process.

i can see why dune is so uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a collar. as nice as it would be to be able to...i feel similarly.

as something that has been treated as less than human and unworthy of basic human rights...i can see why we have such a strong want to reclaim nonhumanity for ourselves.

others can be dogs and enjoy it. but i can't. and neither can Dune. i may be a wolfdog, but i dont wanna explore any kind of possible "dogness" or breeds or anything.

im happy for those who can love being a dog and all that comes with it and enjoy the companionship of humanity.

i can remember enjoying times with the scientists too...

but i cannot allow others to refer to me as a dog or treat me like one. it is deeply deeply triggering for us.

Sonar and Dune both struggle greatly with feeling like they must serve humanity. it was so so so drilled into them that they were the ones to be walked all over and not respected.

i hold similar fears of humanity just cause that trauma runs so deep in us. i feel ashamed cause its such a...""sterotype"" of being nonhuman. unfortunately its an uncontrollable factor for us.

i cannot help that our brain has made us associate all humans with danger. its unfortunate and i want us to be able to let that go someday. but its not going to be soon.

i just...have seen others talking about hardships with being associated with dogs. and how it can be triggering. i saw a lot of ourselves in those posts.

we struggle similarly with a lifetime of having it be taught to us that we are not worthy and how below others we are.

i hope one day that i can learn to love the dog part of myself. and embrace all the quirks and joys of it. but it is not going to be soon and it hurts and causes severe flashbacks for us rn.

i can't explain how weird it is to know i have only been aware of my existence for a short time but have memories of stuff that happened to me over like a....10 to 30 year span of time.

like no its not a lot of memories and its not a lot of detail but gonna be honest, remembering broad strokes of it is very strange.

also uhhh adapting to human body...very strange. don't like it at all. can see why the main system has such problems and feelings over it...

i got a really bad migraine while we were out at work and i knowwww the science team was really upset with me. i shouldn't be in an area that is so population dense :(

my head hurt so so bad and the humans kept getting so close.. i just wanted to run and hide :(

i hope the scientists aren't too mad at me...i tried my best to not let the humans linger around me too much.

i know im dangerous and i didn't wanna be there but..i can't control when im at the controls unfortunately...

plus...if im honest, i do not like this human body... walking on two legs? feels so weird. im glad im home and can be on 4 legs and relax and not have my tail be stuck in our pants all day haha :3