I woke up at 5 in the morning with only on thing one my mind; you. I can’t get you out of my thoughts. I spent a good 3 hours trying to sleep while thoughts and memories of you circled my mind. It’s been going on for days, ever since I decided to try to remove you from my life.
I know I hurt you, so bad that I doubt you’d ever forgive me, I deserve that. The worst part is, I don’t even know why I acted like a dick. It was partially because whenever we talked I would always get this feeling in my stomach. Kinda like butterflies? It was a good feeling, but also a painful one. It made me want to just beg you to come back and say that I was wrong, that I love you and that hasn’t ever changed. I never stopped loving you, not for a second. I wish so much that I could be with you right now, for everything to be back to normal, but I know that it’s too late. I acted like a dick because I didn’t want to give in, I didn’t want to come back, because I knew, or at least I was scared that it was all just going to be like before; with so much fighting and jealousy and just... a lot of fear. I hated that part of our relationship because there were times in which I just wasn’t happy, and I wished that I could fix it. I wish that I could fix all my jealousy in one go, but it doesn’t work that way.
That’s why I did all this. I can’t come back to you not having changed, not that you’d let me, I bet you want nothing to do with me at this point, and it’s really all my fault. But right now, I need to change, to grow mature enough so as not to be so insecure, because honestly, it sucks being like that, especially in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to keep resenting and being jealous, and I want both of us to grow from this, because we both made mistakes.
You have no idea how sorry I am for so many things, but I want you to know, that I don’t regret anything. Being with you was amazing, it was beautiful and special. Yes, sometimes it was ugly and painful, but I’ll always remember everything we did together, because you really did make me happy, but I need to fix myself right now. I want both of us to be happy, and I felt like we honestly wouldn’t be had we stayed together. I feel that I wouldn’t have been, because it felt like I just didn’t matter to you at all once you got to university, and that you probably would have replaced me within the month. And I hated that feeling. I couldn’t keep going with that because there was really no way to fix it while we were together, not with all the jealousy.
I want you to be happy, and you have no idea what I would do to make you happy, but right now that means that I have to make myself better, because I really, truly, honestly hope that once day, I’ll be able to find you again, and that you’ll accept me. I couldn’t give you what you wanted, but I know that in the future I will, because I’m getting my life together. I’m more active, more confident, more responsible, I've been working my ass off to improve myself, and I’m going to keep going, because I want to be the best I can ever be.
Oddly enough, that isn’t good enough for me though. Yes, I’m improving, but the longing doesn’t leave. The regret doesn’t stop eating me from within. I feel empty, and there’s nothing that can fill that void now. Yes, there’s one thing, but no matter how hard I try, I doubt it’ll ever happen again, because I don’t deserve you.
I know you said that a sophomore asked you out. As much as it hurts, I’m really happy for you. If you really do like him, then honestly, that’s great, because I hope that he can make you happy, better than I could, at least. Don’t get me wrong, I wish it were me dating you, I wish it were me that can kiss you, hold you, and just make you feel loved everyday, but I had my chance. I just hope that you’ll give me another one in the future. I know I don’t deserve it, but I can’t stop loving you. Every time I think of you, I just get filled with this weird warmth inside. And then it turns to ice as I realize that you may never think of me like that again.
I know it’s selfish, but I hope you feel the same way for me. I hope that you do love me back, because even if I don’t deserve it, I want to be deserving of it in the future. Right now, I know that I wouldn’t be able to make you happy, and I know you’ll find someone else who can. I just hope that I’ll reach that level one day, so that I can come back into your life, because I still love you, llamagirl, infinitely. You may despise me right now, and you have every right to, I know that I can’t fix all the hurt that I’ve done.
I meant it when I said that you were a miracle in my life, because you’re so wonderful and beautiful that you healed my wounds and kissed my scars. You worried for me when no one else did. You made me feel loved when I thought that I never deserved it.
Please, at the end of the day, save the last dance for me, I swear my dancing will have improved by then. Je T’aime.
Mon amour pour toi ne dimiuera jamais. J’espere qu’un jour tu me pardonneras d’etre si stupide.