Ftm - Blog Posts
ladies, gentlemen and everything in between my questioning ass needs some help! specifically from my trans peeps, ftm if you will (bc maybe i am) but everyone's welcome to share:
how did y'all realize it? did something trigger it or was it a long term process? did anything help you realize it, like something that just made you go "oh damn"?
experiences, advice, stories - everything's appreciated♡ (just be nice please i'm confused as hell)
Many such cases
(Based off a meme that I can't find anymore but like FTM edition)
[ID: a drawn meme featuring a transition timeline. The first picture is of a pre-transition trans man who has long-ish hair and dead green eyes. The caption above says "Saddest, most dead inside girl you've ever seen" and that same trans man much further along in his transition who has eyes with spark, is very muscular, and has short hair. The caption above him reads "Absolute giga-chad of a man. An actual statue of david in real life." /END ID]
It's by Loren Cameron, a trans man, and is filled with photography (some nsfw just so you know, 18+.)
Link under the cut.
I read all of it in like 30 minutes max.
Has some kinda outdated language, but it was published 1996 so that's kinda expected lol.
It's free to read on the internet archive (god bless the internet archive, couldn't find it anywhere else!)
HAPPY TRANS DAY OF VISIBILITY EVERYONE!! I am closeted but I tried to celebrate today by drawing and having a good time as best as I could. Here's the drawing I made with my trans oc!!
cw- drawn sh scars, not a vent post just a part of the character
(The text says happy TDOV; don't let the bastards win!)
[ID: a drawing by OP of his zombie oc; he's wearing headphones, a torn shirt, a binder, cargo pants, and is waving a trans pride flag. Nico, the oc, has brown hair and is smiling slightly. /END ID]
Had to draw over this one, most real image I've ever seen in my life.
[ID: two images with the same caption, one drawn over by op with him in it replacing the original person. The caption reads "what I lack in penis size, I also lack in money and basic social skills" in both images. The original image is a GQ magazine picture with Ryan Gosling doing a pose. The new image has the trans flag in the background with op doing the same pose. /END ID]
Diary entry #26
TW- ed (my blog is not going to become an ed blog so like if you’re triggered by that sort of stuff I will not talk about it a lot and I will label it every time), family stuff, sui
It feels like I’m in an endless cycle of suffering in a lot of different ways, just stacking on top of each other and melting together. I’m back on my ed bullshit unfortunately, triggered by me stopping my depression/sleep meds that made me binge all the time for like 5 fucking years among other things. I’m always stopped before I can hurt myself too terribly, but I don’t want to be stopped this time.
My grandma always thinks I’m starving myself for attention or whatever, but it’s like a drive in me or something. I always need to destroy myself somehow, and this is one way I can do so. I think she thinks I’m an attention whore, which in some ways I might be, but starving myself for attention would be even more miserable than me doing it to lose weight/hurt myself. I hate having an ed so much. It gives me a bit of control over my life, but I am so cold and so tired all the time. I think my grandparents do not think of me highly at all, and I’m hurt by that quite a lot.
At this point, if my grandparents try to stop me, maybe I’ll tell them the truth. I have no control over my life, I’m just a hamster on a wheel. I want my body to be androgynous, because that’s the best I can get right now without control over what I’m wearing and my haircut, and also lack of T. I could technically wear what I want, but last time I tried that my grandma called me the D slur. I know trying to look more like how I want is a fool’s errand, and I mostly just want to destroy myself.
Sometimes I really think that I should die. That everyone would be better off without me. But there’s a couple major things that are affecting that thought. I have stopped caring if people hate me as much; if they hate me, I can’t control it. In fact, their spite kind of keeps me alive. If I die looking like a girl… I don’t even know. I want to die as a man. And also, I’m probably too much of a pussy to actually kms.
Sorry I bitch a lot on here, I have no one to talk to.
A meme I made, inspired by a Nyazsche comic
[/ID a comic where Donald Trump points to someone with a shirt that says "random trans person", and he says "You are an enemy of the state. I am actually going to murder you." The random trans person in return says "my brother in Christ, I am literally just a person,,," Comic inspired by a Nyazche comic about two cats. The cat with the propeller hat says "do you like my silly hat?" And the other cat replies "you are an enemy of Christ." The caption above says "this is what being a trans person feels like". /END ID]
Diary Entry #25 (one mostly about something not trans-related... yay?)
I was stimming so much at work today. Or maybe ticcing or whatever bc I couldn't stop. It exhausted me more than actually working my shift. I wasn't feeling any particular way, I just got a bad stim/tic day just for some random reason ig.
My main tics/stims rn are sighing really deep, cracking my elbows, and inhaling hard with my nose. It probably looks really weird but I can't really help it. I guess that'd be more of a tic than a stim? I don't know if you can have tics without tourette's, i think I read that somewhere but like. i'm not sure.
I worry that I'll freak people out more whenever I pass as male or even as a trans male. I think it's worth the price of being seen as myself, it's just a minor concern i have. I'm really talkative and I worry about freaking out women. I don't act like a creep obviously, but I do appear autistic to most people and I am aware that people can be uncomfortable with me, even though I look like a girl.
If anyone with tics/stims can help me out here that'd be appreciated. I don't really know the difference.
Tw mild sui joke warning,
My grandma showed me a satire account about a person with a cat-identifying kid! She said she knew it was satire but "pEoPlE aRe CrAzY nOwAdAyS!!!!¡"
Should I:
A. kms
or,
B. kms
(She knows that I am trans, but she may think I've "grown out of it" because I'm scared of her bc of shit like this and saying I'm not a boy so I never mention it anymore)
Diary Entry #24: I am losing my mind send help :)))
Reading Becoming A Visible Man by Jamison Green. It's a fucking awesome book, I recommend any trans person read it (especially transmascs and trans men). I use Hoopla to read books free and without my grandparents finding out about it. (You use your library card.)
Tw dysphoria/mild anatomy terms? below cut
But besides that my day was awful, solely due to dysphoria. I had to stop singing to myself at work because I got too dysphoric about my voice (usually with my voice I pretend that it's coming from somewhere else other than myself, but something made me be unable to pretend for a second and I freaked out), kept having to adjust my bra because it doesn't fit right (making me aware that I have breasts, sometimes I forget), and I kept on seeing men that were enviable, gender-wise, which reminds me that I'm stuck in this body I don't want.
I might call the Trans Lifeline tonight because I'm freaking out about the legislation being put in place, and I haven't been using good coping mechanisms so I'm not having a great time.
It feels like everyday the dysphoria gets worse and I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like a man already, but it's hard to do so.
Diary entry #23
Tw sui and general panic (?), transphobia
Oh shit oh fuck they've banned HRT for minors. I'm not a minor but the amount of damage they'll be able to do to minors scares the fuck out of me. If you are a minor who's trans and wants to take HRT, I am so so sorry.
I'm a diagnosed autistic adult, what if they take it away from me too??? I don't know how I could survive that. I don't think I could. If that comes on the news, they may as well be sharing the date that I'll die.
I hope it doesn't come to that. I fucking hate Trump and his goons so much.
I'm hoping I can do DIY HRT if it comes to that. If they ban it for autistic adults, it's not automatically a death sentence, but I can see the way that it could lead to my death and thousands of others.
I don't really want to think about it, but what choice do I have? This is my future!
If I didn't procrastinate my moving out so much, maybe I would've been okay.
I hope the ACLU or something saves us. I can only hope.
Diary entry #22
I'm learning how to drive still but it's taking too long. My days are meaningless, everyday not living as myself is killing me. I know it'll get better but holy shit waiting is horrible. Every day is pointless, I'm hardly making progress and I hate it. My sister is failing her classes and it's giving me panic attacks because I worry about her and my grandparents are mad at her.
If I can get out by my birthday, that's what I want. It's in the middle of August, hence my name. I don't think I can wait longer than that tbh. That's like 7 months away. God I hope I'm out by then. My days go by so quick, which makes my wait feel easier, but still.
I want to be on T so bad. I want to live my goddamn life for once, not the life others want for me. I want to wear a binder and cut my hair, I think if I could only do that life would be more bearable.
I don't know
If they talk about Trump in a positive light one more goddamn time I am going to kill myself :) /hj
They still think that I'm on the Trump Train (what my grandpa calls it,,, *vomits*)
[ID: a crudely drawn person giving a thumbs up while crying. The caption says "Me trying not to scream but instead half-heartedly agree when my grandparents say shitty things /END ID]
Spoilers for I Saw The Tv Glow under cut
This movie hit very deep for me, almost in a primal sense. I'm shaking typing this out and after watching it. I don't understand it 100% but I feel like the message hit me in some way that is hard to comprehend. I sketched this out very quickly, so that's why it kind of sucks.
It's hard to describe why I enjoyed it so much, but I throughly enjoyed it.
Diary Entry #21
This one is very angry and talking about transphobes (and also a brief mention of sui attempts/sh) so... i don't know here's your warning
I don't know why I'm so nice to my grandparents. Even in the letter I'm going to give to them when I move out I can't help but to let myself be a rug for everyone in my life.
I got my grandma a refurbished new phone. I got my grandpa very nice stuff too. I'm constantly being nice to them. Every time I'm nice to them a part of me reminds myself that these people abandoned the real me for being trans, essentially. They shut me down every single fucking time I try to tell them "THIS IS KILLING ME PLEASE GOD HELP."
There's nothing I could ever say to even let me do something simple like cutting my hair. They're too prideful, too concerned with their reputations.
They love deadname, they love her very much, but they despise August and wish that the true me would go away. But it won't, because of course it won't, because it's who I am. They would rather let me mutilate myself and try to kms than maybe, MAYBE listening to me.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I can't die a girl, but I have no idea what else would make them listen. And even then, they can console themselves with the false notion that they tried to save me. But it wouldn't be true, and we would've both known that.
They are nice 95% of the time but the ugliness of their ideologies shine through sometimes and disgusts me, and then I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that they care. They care, but only in the sense that they care about deadname and not me. They couldn't even handle me when i thought I was a lesbian, what the fuck did I expect?
I keep on deluding myself that if I just say the right thing, if I try hard enough, if I'm agreeable enough, maybe they'd listen. But I know this isn't true, no matter how much I'd like it to be. I wish they were cruel more often, as awful as it sounds, so I had some leg to stand on, to not constantly doubt myself.
Every family member I've ever had has hates trans people, my aunts, uncles, father, grandmother/fathers, my cousins, everyone hates trans people. I don't know what we could've possibly done wrong to garner this horrible hatred.
I'm paranoid to come out to my coworkers because what if there's a transphobe among them and they report me? What then? I need to tell someone but there's no one to tell and it's tearing me apart from the inside.
I look at people on the street, at work, etc. and I know that statistically a lot of them hate me based on who I am. It's a terrible life to live, I don't want it but I have to. There's no one to help.
Diary Entry #20
I got a binder and two packers!!! Too bad I can't wear them basically anywhere lmao but still. I cleaned my room with my binder on. I was so worried it wasn't making me flat enough, i mean it doesn't matter now but when I go on T it might.
I made sure to order the right size but after like an hour of wearing it I still kinda hurt. But I'm okay now (it's my second time wearing it, first time wearing it for any significant amount of time.)
I went down a very brief spiral (brief being like 15 minutes tops) where I was like "OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M NOT TRANS." But looking back, I think it's because my binder didn't make me like 100% flat, more like I have pecs or maybe gynomastia and I'm pretty sure now that's what it was.
But seeing me in pictures with my binder (with my face/hair mostly cropped out) on made me super happy, it's just that looking at me irl still makes me think I look very fem because I still have these fem characteristics and it makes me feel kinda bad. My spiral was not very rational.
I think the thought "what if my binder doesn't actually bind enough?? What if I still look like I have a large chest??" isn't actually very cis, looking back on it. I'm gonna post some pictures of me in a shirt with and without the binder and let y'all be the judge. I think I'm just freaking out over nothing, but I can't stop thinking like that. Under the cut btw, first pic with binder second pic w/o.
Diary entry #18
I was with my grandparents at chilis and a transfem lady was our server. I wanted to shrink down and die because, although I wasn't paying much attention, I think my grandma asked my sister if she was trans. She wasn't near when I thought my grandma said that, but transfem lady at chili's I am so sorry I wish people were fucking normal.
I wish I could feel camaraderie (hope that's the right word) with the queer people that I see out and about, but I'm always looking over my shoulder to see if my grandparents are there because GOD FORBID i interact/even look with people like me I guess.
I don't say anything to them, I'm not the type to out people, but I look at them and think they are cool and maybe compliment them. I don't have any friends at all, let alone any queer ones, so these are the only people that are like me in that way I see irl. God I hope this doesn't come off as weird.
Diary entry #17
Vent I guess
Ed warning and dysphoria and sh
I wish I could be normal about my weight. I'm overweight. If I looked like a guy then I think I could forgive it but I don't and know my curves are more visible everyday and I want to die!! /hj on that last part
The universe is cruel in the way that I can't lose weight unless I eat like triple digits (calorie wise) every day because I binge so fucking much. So I don't fit in normal or even ed communities online because I'm like that.
Nothing I have ever done has ever fixed my binging problem. I think it's a medicine side effect thing but my grandparents don't want me to change them. I don't know why.
When I was in my active ed phase I wanted to shrink to the point where my chest would become small enough to be male passing. That was the main reason. I know I wouldn't pass as male bc of my voice but I just wanted some control over my stupid life.
I feel like a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere. I can't go on T in my house because i would be quickly caught, so I have to move out but moving out is hard. I just want to be a guy and I don't understand why it's a problem.
I wish that there was a way to make my grandparents understand that this dysphoria will kill me one way or another. But I think they've already made their mind, there's nothing I can say. I could try to cut my breasts off and they would just think I'm more mentally ill and send me to the ward.
I could kill myself and they wouldn't wonder why for a second, they would think "oh she was just mentally ill." They don't listen to me and don't want to. I think me killing myself would be a better ending for them than me being trans and thriving, although they'd never admit it.
They aren't even bad people, they have a lot of flaws and this is one of them. A really, really bad flaw, but they really think being trans is evil.
Just ruminating here I guess
Diary Entry #16
Cw family stuff and substance abuse
Just listened to Like Him by Tyler the Creator and Lola Young and HOLY SHIT, OOF OUCH MY GODDAMN FEELINGS. I have a bio dad who I have a love-hate relationship with, I don't think I've ever really explained it here so I'm gonna try.
My bio dad has substance abuse issues; any drug you can name, he's done. He's a liar and a thief, a bastard, really. But I can talk with him about videogames and just forget everything. He might die soon because he's not seeking professional help. I've kind of hardened my heart to him, but I forgot about everything I have against him and enjoy a conversation with someone who has similar interests.
I wish he didn't have that problem. We would've been best friends. He's also really into conspiracy theories and shit and also thinks trans people are evil (but not gay people since he has a gay friend.) So that would've gotten in the way if we were close, but we could've worked through it hopefully.
I hate him for how he and my bio mom neglected me as a child, but I can't stand to hate him after seeing him as a real person. It's like how much I say I hate my grandparents, but they're people too. I want them to do something awful, so I can "deserve" to hate them. I may get my "wish" in the future, it just depends how me moving out and transitioning goes.
The last part of "Like Him" is relatable as fuck, it makes me sad to listen to it even though it's a great song.
I don't know, I guess that's it.
Diary entry #15
Feeling a little bit better. I've been reading a lot recently, the pvz comics and also "american teenager" which is a book about trans kids' perspectives! It's really good so far!
My brain is whirring with different fanfic ideas.
I ordered a crazy dave figure and sunflower plushie and I'm so excited!! I wish they shipped soon but whatever i guess lol
This is the first line of official pvz merch in forever. I wish they made an Edgar Zomboss figure or plushie or whatever but I'll take what I can get haha!
I know I'm just distracting myself from the horrible reality ahead but it's nice to be distracted sometimes
I think I'm at like peak hyperfixation when it comes to plants vs zombies; idk how much longer it's going to last but judging on my other hyperfixations it might be a year or more before it fully fades.
[ID: a screenshot of a Youtooz pre-order with a Crazy Dave figure and Sunflower plush /END ID]
Diary entry #14
Cw family issues and slight sui themes
The wait to move out is killing me. I just want to live on my own already but I'm autistic and sometimes I screw over myself on accident. I've been binge eating a lot and it's distressing me.
I just want to start my life already. Sometimes I think of telling my grandparents I need to transition now or it's going to kill me, but I'm sure they won't believe me until it's too late.
They think my identity, my very being, is a joke. I hope it's funny. I hope they enjoy the fact that my life hangs in the balance, hope they get some sort of sick thrill out of it. I'm so enraged at them and yet I can't raise my voice at them. I just write posts on the internet, stuff I'm too cowardly to say to them irl.
They think I'm stupid, or at least too stupid to understand that I'm "being lied to" with "transgender ideology".
The internet and fox news has radicalized them into believing in the stupidest shit. They don't listen to me, and I don't think they ever will. Being autistic probably doesn't help me in this aspect.
I just want them to just come out and say more horrible stuff so I can hate them fully. I can't bring myself to not be a rug and not let them walk all over me. I sabotage myself so others, especially my family, can get ahead.
I don't know, I'm mostly just yelling into the void.
Diary entry #13
I'm in a better mood so no cw today! This is mostly just a collection of random thoughts
Sometimes I look at all these people saying trans people are evil or whatever and I don't get it?? Like I don't really understand why people think that. Like grandmother I'm not going to hurt anyone I am literally just some guy.
You ever see some random motherfucker from the most weird series and decide "that man is my new gender envy source and also I want him." That's me, I fall into this trap literally every time I go into a new series/game or whatever. And it is always the weirdest ones too.
I watched a video on pvz lore, and now I'm like "goddammit I GUESS i'll read the comics now." Like they seem interesting and I need more lore so I'll get around to reading them... sometime. There's just so many issues and I procrastinate on even stuff I want to do.
I talked to my grandma about going to college in Illinois and she didn't like shut it down immediately so I'm hoping for the best.
I guess that's it?
Diary entry #12
Cw - negative mental health talk and politics sorta again
I need to move to Illinois I need to move to Illinois I need to mov
I'm trying to tell my grandparents I want to go to college in Illinois but I still don't know if they'll like let me y'know? They seemed kind of lukewarm to it. I'm an adult and should be able to make my own decisions but I'm terrified of them. I don't know why, even. The worst they do is scream.
They still think I'm "on the Trump train" as my grandpa puts it. Of course I'm not a fucking fan of Trump, he's a risk to everything I love!!!
I found a community college in Illinois I want to go to; hopefully they'll let me or else I'm screwed. I don't know if Missouri will ban HRT for adults, but I have a feeling they will.
My mental health hasn't been stable recently. I keep on being nice to my grandparents and I don't know why, they can't even gender me right and they think that I'm basically a joke. Just thinking about how they've denied me care fucking infuriates me but I can't help but to be nice to them!! They're nice to me in every other way, it's just this "boy thing" (their words, not mine) that they despise me for.
I'm lucky, and should be grateful but I'm not. They could've killed me or kicked me out or something for being queer. I'm filled with so much rage but have nothing to take it out on besides myself.
I'm happy to be alive most times, but I don't want to be alive as someone I'm not. I had hope, I still kind of do, but it's going to be a rough 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to explain to them that this lack of T is going to kill me, I don't think I can.
Diary Entry #11
Cw politics and sui again
I don't know what I can or should say about Trump winning. There is not a single word in the English dictionary that can express how angry I am, how disappointed I am at my fellow man. I've thought some pretty awful thoughts recently, both towards myself and towards others.
I do consider just ending my life sometimes, but I'm not going to be another statistic. I can't be. Unless I am truly backed into a corner, I'm not going to consider it an option just yet.
I hope these next 4 years will blow over, that we'll be okay, but I really fucking doubt it at this point. I thought the race was going to be close, that we stood a chance. But apparently all my hoping was for nothing.
My grandpa stayed up for a considerable amount of time watching Fox News, waiting for swing states to close, hoping that Trump won. I'm still pretending to be a conservative, but I'm afraid the hatred for that system of ideas will shine through somehow and that my cover will be blown.
I hardly can look my grandparents in the eyes right now. They voted red down the ballot. There's nothing I can say to convince them.
At this point, I just hope that the people who voted for that fool are happy at the chaos they are going to bring. I hope they're happy that the world is going to burn beneath us, hope they're happy that they're complicit in the suicides of trans people. Some of them probably are happy about the latter, but you know what I mean.
When the news first broke, I didn't feel much besides numb. But now I'm enraged, and probably will be for a long time. I just don't understand how it happened. All I'm hoping is that I can get out of my house before anything happens to get rid of my healthcare, but what about other people? They're still going to suffer. Woman and trans people will still suffer, really, everyone's going to suffer.
I don't know. Guess that's it for this entry.
Diary entry #10
This one's depressing, tw sui kinda and politic stuff
Any of you lose yourself in fiction and stuff to keep the dysphoria from killing you?? That's what I'm doing rn. It's not working I'm still anxious.
I can't move out yet, I need to learn how to drive more and save up more money for an apartment. If I don't move out soon, or if Trump wins, or both, I think it might be over for me.
The election is freaking me the fuck out please for the love of god Kamala please win. My life is literally in her hands, if they ban HRT in missouri I don't know if I can afford to move out of state and that would literally kill me.
I don't want to die. I want to live, but I want to live a man. I know I'm already one, but I don't feel it. I will only give up if all my options are exhausted. I don't know what I could say to my grandparents to make them understand. I don't think there is anything I can say. They both voted for Trump. They think that he's going to save the country. He's going to destroy it, and take us with him.
They don't care about August, they care about (deadname). And they only really care about "her" if "she's" straight.
I probably should stop writing now. I'm so fucking anxious. My life, and the lives of millions of people, hang in the balance and I just want it to stop.
If Trump wins, I hope they're happy, even though they have blood on their hands
Diary Entry #9
Tw internalized fatphobia ig, ed, dysphoria (but this is not an ed blog I'm just talking about this one time) diary entry under the cut
I can't stop binge eating, like it's actually a problem. I've been binge eating for at least 4 years, I hate it. I've tried everything to get rid of it. I'm in a terrible predicament where if I don't starve myself in the day then I will gain weight. I've had at least 3 ed accounts across different platforms, one of them is still floating out there somewhere. It was always awful and I feel bad looking back, I wasn't one of those accounts who were actively fatphobic because I'm not completely awful, but it probably wasn't great for my mental health.
But I think I've realized something. I wouldn't mind being fat if I looked like a guy, or at least I wouldn't mind it nearly as much. Whenever I starved myself, half the reason was to get rid of my boobs, I just hate(d) them so much. I always got caught starving, and I would always get yelled at.
There was no point to it. I would always get caught. But I wanted just a little bit of control over my life. Whenever I move out, I'll have control over my life. I won't have to be sneaky, I won't have to hide stuff. Life won't be perfect, but I won't have to hide who I am.
I hate my life as it is. I shouldn't really, as a lot of others have it much, much worse. But I can't help it. I'm living a lie, I'm not a girl and I don't want to pretend any longer. But I have no choice until I move out. Not everyone is so lucky with the ability to move out.
Sorry this entry was dark, I don't know what else to talk about.
Diary entry #8
MOOOOMMM!! August is making fake scenarios in his head to get mad on purpose again!!! /ref
I have terrible intrusive thoughts, and sometimes they turn into fake arguments in my head; basically I think like this -
Transphobic thing I saw once -> having more thoughts and counter arguments to that transphobic thing I saw -> thinking about my grandparents suddenly, what they'd think about it -> they would side with the transphobic thing every time -> oh god now there's a fake argument that's making me mad again
Like I saw a Josh Hawley (conservative Missourian dickhead) truck the other day, and I started to think about how my grandparents like Josh Hawley and all the terrible things he said, annnnddd then I had a fake argument again. Goddammit.
I'm terrified of conflict, so I kind of plan it out in my head beforehand which just makes me angry and scared so it doesn't even help! I just shut down whenever I get in an actual argument with my grandparents, I just start crying.
There is no point in these fake arguments, it just pisses me off at work because that's when I have time to think.
But anyways my day was mostly normal besides that.
I hope that made even a lick of sense, I don't know if I'm coming off right.
Diary entry #7
My grandma isn't gonna teach me to drive anymore, because she says I'm not improving. Now I'm gonna have to pay for a driving class and I went down a horrible spiral where I was thinking about how worthless I am.
I'm on my period and it feels like the world is crumbling around me. If I don't get out of my household frankly I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, so I have no choice but to pay a thousand bucks (literally) for driving school.
I screwed up and almost caused an accident, that's why she said I wasn't improving. She's been driving for 40 years, and I've only been driving for like a month or something. She says there's nothing she can teach me anymore. My brain was foggy because I'm on my period, I barely ate anything, and I was shaking from too much caffeine. I really didn't want to drive but I was an idiot and did it anyways. I fucking hate my life. It's times like this where I wish I wasn't autistic because everyone else in my life functions normally and I can't do anything right.
I have to get out of my house. There's no other option. If I can't do it, I don't think I can wait any longer than I already have. They aren't abusive, but they let me live in conditions where I'm not living as myself and it's killing me. I just need to be a man and I can't.
I can't live a second longer in this body that's not mine. I wish I had some resources to help me get out of here, but I'm mostly on my own. I'm not being abused, so I can't escape by calling services to my house, but I just can't live like this. Sorry this post was so depressing, it depresses me too!
The hate filled thoughts that flow while I'm looking at myself in the shower are killing me. I want to be rid of my female-gendered features, every last one of them.
Apparently you're supposed to have a pinned post so here's mine!
Hi there I'm August. I'm 19 years old, I go by he/him/it, and I am a pansexual trans man.
I'm Autistic and I have ADHD among like a million other things.
My favorite artists are MSI/Mindless Self Indulgence (don't support them), AXIE, Kikuo, The Living Tombstone, Femtanyl, Maretu, Odetari, Will Wood, Lemon Demon, and a bunch of others!!
My hyperfixation fandoms currently are PvZ (Plants vs Zombies), Pizza Tower, FNAF, Gravity Falls, Baldi's Basics, Mario, UTAU/Vocaloid, and more!
My hyperfixations that aren't fandom related change a lot but often are researching trans science, video game glitches especially gen 1 pokemon, zombies in general, animation memes, Prisoner's rights, and cats. Like I said they change a lot and I'll probably talk about and/or reblog stuff I find interesting!
I support Palestine, trans rights, human rights in general, and I try to be as nice as possible.
Use tone tags!
My diary entries are marked #august's diary
Please interact! - if you're interested in anything I'm hyperfixated on, if you're trans and/or nonbinary (I need similar friends lol), if you wanna chat at all I'm free!
DNI- TERFs (duh), Proshippers, any -ist or -phobic, Zionists, basically if my posts piss you off for whatever reason don't interact, that's probably about it.