TW: Dopamine chasing, Toxic Friendships, Codependency
I have always been one to chase hapiness highs. By no means is this the most negative part of my personality, nor a particularly uncommon one, but it does lead to some side effects. For one thing I can not sit down and fully immerse myself in media as the happy feelings would take to long to develop so I dive head first into the fandom instead. And ill stay in the fandom for a while , consuming every once of media I can about it until I inevitably loose intrest and stop caring about it all together and start the cycle again. Not the best cycle admittedly, but far from the worst. However the inbetween of losing intrest in one peice of media and latching on to another one is the worst. I will drift aimlessly with nothing to do, as if hollow , drained entirely. The color seeps out from my world and I am left yearning for something to reintroduce it, to get back to my high. The real trouble is when this attitude effects my relationships with people. I will find someone and talk to them and then my thoughts get consumed by them and they will be all I talk about, all I care about. I will distance myself from the others around me in order to get more of my new subject of intrest. And then the high will fade and I want nothing to do with them, but they are still atached to me. I will grow to resent them for taking up my time as if I was not the one to start the relationship. I can tell they have grown to rely on me for their hapiness much as I had done to them. I will try to reignite some amount of intrest but come up dry, and in doing so grow to despise them entirerly. Once the codependency ends It seems more and more like a chore to talk with them. And eventually I leave their life as suddenly as I entered it leaving them being confused and hurt because se despite my explanations they don’t understand my way of thinking- how could they? Their perception of me is clean and glossy because I‘m adept at showing that to everyone, at hiding how I truly am. And thus the cycle starts again, with me convincing myself that this time it will be different - that I can learn to stay.