Hopeful - Blog Posts
i feel tonight as a being wrapped in old memories.
They are cloying and drip with slick and cold silver strings. A web of fear to enclose my little heart.
In this darkening void, i knew where the edge was. I still willingly walked out onto thin air.
I could understand that I, myself, am a being of lack and disgust
I know what makes a void like me too heavy for any surface to support
Yet how stupid am I to be surprised when i fell.
I have been caught in such a web again,
my fingers sliding off it’s wet surface,
deeper and deeper i slip away from the surface.
I can do nothing but grasp at empty air.
I wonder when the dark will claim me again.
just a friendly reminder that there are people out there who will accommodate for you. you are not a burden. you deserve to feel comfortable
Waiting for professors to say class is cancelled due to weather
I'm not ready for a relationship. I need this time alone.
But I long for letters. For discussions about books. Museum visits and afternoons spent in bookshops
For cups of tea and hot chocolate while curled up watching the rain.
For silence, and stillness and holding in front of a fire. The fire wood that we chopped.
Learning and building together.
I want someone capable. Someone calm and strong. Someone caring and kind.
I long for someone that can quiet my mind.
Someone that can keep up with me. That challenges me. That can hold space for me.
I long for someone that will love me for all the wildness of my soul.
Someone not scared by all I have to give.
With him I won't need to be small and tame
Sometimes love isn't grand gestures or daily phone calls
Sometimes love is when my mother comes home from visiting family 7 hours away. Where I couldn't go. Because, because car ride are too much and I'm sick.
She comes home and tells me of my whole family crying about me when they were leaving. Wishing they could do something
Maybe love is when my cousin gifts me fabric and patterns because she knows I love sewing. Even if I can't right now.
Perhaps love is my aunt gifting me rolls of leather and upholstery fabric and 3 kilos of cherries for the same reason.
Love might be another cousin crying, wishing my mother to tell me she thinks about me every day but doesn't have the words.
These people, my blood, that never felt like family or close. That are so far away in the world and in life.
Perhaps life is in those small moments. And way more people care for you than you think. Even if you have no clue. And thought they'd abandoned you long ago.
Another good thing to come from this bummshit journey :)
People care, we are all just as awkward and lost for words. Give others the grace to be as awkward as you think yourself to be. They might surprise you
And if you think I need help , the only kind I deserve is to understand me. I have been misconceived thus misjudged for ages am yearning for that feel, the feel to be be guessed right.
Fragile Pieces
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And you seem to have a hole puncher in your back pocket at all times
A lighter at hand as well
Punching, ripping, burning my once whole paper
Leaving me with a sad little snippet
A little crumpled up, even after a lot of smoothing
There’s this pathetic peace of paper I’m holding onto
It’s not much
And it won’t last forever
But I won’t give up
Because I can still read the words
Scrawled in your handwriting
“I love you”
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And as long as it’s marked by you
My pitiful peace of paper
Will stay with me
At all times
