I Feel Bad - Blog Posts

I've been feeling really badly recently. For some context I'm in my firmest semester at uni and I have got like good but not excellent grades, and this week, I mean yesterday, I got two news, first m, I must do my chemistry exam which I was hoping to exempt, but I didn't, and not only that, but also I wrote an email to my teacher and the teacher assistant cause I didn't get all the score I should have gotten in one of my answers of a test, but the assistant said that I was wrong and he corrected everything all right in my test, and just because he's a little piece of shut I will have to do the chemistry test. Second, I got my linear algebra grade and I got 70/100, so is not that bad, but a friend of mine told me he got a 100, in that moment I felt really down, because its like everything in my life the past months and even years feels like I can't be good enough, like the things I do are not perfect enough or my mind is not perfect or my thoughts or anything, and I the only way I don't feel like this is been the best or almost the best, cause is like i can never be the best, like I can't get to that high point where I do things in an extremely good form. Its so exhausting feeling like this, like you can never ve good enough, that you can't get people to notice you or if is bit about people noticing you is that I feel like I can't be as good as those who ate close to me, I can't be as good as them.

I got diagnosed with depression a few months ago and I was feeling really good, but the past weeks it feels like I've been slowing down, as if my mind my feeling my thoughts are being really slow and I can't do anything to motivate myself. I've tried texting to some people from school and uni m, but they don't answer at the moment (what i mean is when I'm feeling like talking or in a good mood) and when they do im really down and not wanting to test anybody cause I'm studying or im too down, for example I have this friend that I've known for 12 years and I haven't seen her since the beginning of the pandemic, but when she takes sooo long to reply to my messages, and it feels like everyone does, and I'm so tired of feeling lonely or people like ignoring me, I know I'm not the centre of the universe but it feels utterly sad and awful, the sensation that you are completely alone and there's no one there for you and your parents can't understand you, my mom can't understand these feelings and my dad is so isolated from the world that you can't talk to him without him saying "I feel better alone" I don't wanna be alone, I don't, but is like I am and I hate it... and I can't stop thinking that I shouldt feel this way and that nobody can gear me crying or see me sad... im so scared and afraid of showing my feelings, is like they are so wrong and I don't know what to do or feel

help I'm in the restroom because I ate Sriracha b4 going to the store and I forgot it gives me diarrhea and there's this lady in a stall crying help I feel bad for her but y'all my poor stomach 😭

I ironically (a fat bitch) need to be reminded of this each time I write a new OC.

i'm letting you go with just a warning this time but you better draw her fatter next time ok?

I interrupt your scrolling to say: this is the love of my life, Minnie.

This is my angel, the light of my life, my reason of getting up, my actual child, and I will hear no words against her. Reblog to show her the love she deserves.

That feeling of self doubt when you think you've figured somthing out about yourself but you don't fit what's expected.

Th feeling of hiding in plain site from everyone. Those who would understand and the others that could never.

I tell myself it's fine if I'm wrong it can't hurt anyone. But itcan. If I lied you suffered the effort I'm putting abd have put to rebuild the unstable walls of our friendship will crumble again.

And I can't lose you.

Is it wrong to say I miss you. That I miss the way out bodies fit together like the puzzles my grandma tirelessly works on.

That I miss your little smiles when I said something stupid and made of fool of myself.

Your hair draping over my shoulder at lunch your stomach pressed against my back.

But that's not fair. You aren't mine and as much as I want to be I'm not yours. I told you I couldn't l9ve you. I told you I would never love anyone. I told you I was wrong. I don't want to do that again.

If you ever feel like your family is a bit odd, please know my family has a long history of keeping track of one another in our 3-storey house by basically echolocating with chirps and soft howls. Like it’s impossible to describe how, every time I step into my house, the fucking spirit of some long dead creature possesses my body to make a long, monstrous crooning noise so that I can tell who is home by the distinct noises I get in return.

Most people can tell who is where in the house by the sound of footsteps, but since my house has tiles we’ve come to rely on making the occasional chirp to get a reply and pinpoint where a certain family member is -- it’s mostly done because my brother is an ass who never tells anyone whether he’s coming or going, so you got make insistent chirps to get a grunt in reply.

Now this shit has been fucking pavlov’d into the very core of my dumb primitive lizard brain so it shouldn’t even surprise me that upon moving into a flat share, I immediately performed this behaviour unthinkingly. So, into the large, echoing house that housed 6 other strangers, I made a loud bellowing noise as I toed my shoes off and nonchalantly made my way to the kitchen. To which, one of the 30-year-old men just living his good life in the living room by the door, promptly freaked out, dropped and shattered a glass, while choking on the beer still in his mouth.

All because some weedy young girl made a noise reminiscent of a wildebeest for no apparent reason.

So for some reason I made this......

Oh hey guys you remember the spooky critters I did before

I ain't adding an insane amount of tags

Today I had a shitty day!!! At least I feel like shit right now :'(

I know no one cares about my day, but I feel awful and really need to let it out.

So today I woke up like every morning, got dressed and had a cup of coffee. It was supposed that today I had to go to reinscript myself to my Japanese course, so we (my mom, sister and I) left early and when there. This schools opens 7 a.m., but starts attending students until 9, and we arrived at 9:45. At first the woman who attended us, told us tjat we needed to wait there until the Teacher (still I don't know what teacher she was talking about) authorized my reinscription. We waited 1 hour, then my mom and sister left, mom got a called from her job so I told her I'll wait until they authorize it. I WAITED THERE UNTIL 1 p.m.!!! In those 3 hours I kept asking "Not yet?" And she started answered:

Sorry not yet, it won't take much longer. He is reading the message.

No, but it's configuring.

No, but you have until 4 p.m., no wait... it's 1:30, to check in.

No. Maybe you could come back tomorrow.

You should come back tomorrow, your goup it's still open.

What the hell ma'm?!?!

I mean how you can go from "wait a little longer" to "Come back tomorrow"??? GOD! I didn't went to the bathroom in all that time and, not only I was peeing, but also, I was starving because I didn't had breakfast.

Fine. Tomorrow I'll try again.

Then I arrived home (before this we went tto buy pizza and I went to the bathroom)and the workers where there, you see my house is pretty old and my ceiling gas some leaks so theres people fixing them, so there was some annoying noises I wasn't in the mood to tolerate, we aet and mom went back to work.

She came back until 4:30, I guess. But I was so annoyed by the noise that I decided to take a nap until 6, at time we would leasve to my Japanese classes, even though I am still not signed in, because logic. I arrived to my class and there was as blackout in the entire school. Bad thing number one. Then I realised I forgot my dinner lunch in the car. NUMBER TWO. Then the teacher put us an exam, wich I couldn't answer correctly, My mind got blank, I started to remembered some things but I couldn't completely remember kanjis. After we finished the test, we immediately started checking. In the end I didn't made a bad job. This 2 things weren't that bad, what really bad happened was that:

First of all my mom went to aa meeting and if she was going to pick me up it will be in the moment she told: Hey, I'm here. So I was worried, she gets angry if I'm not in time. And second, because my mind was worrying I got completely distracted and forgot my pencil case in the classroom. This wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't a public school were students take and never return whatever t they find. AND I WOULDN'T BE SO MAD AND SAD IF MY DRAWING PENCILS AND MATERIAL WEREN'T IN THAT PENCIL CASE. I'm just about to enter to arts university and My family doesn't have that much money to buy me new ones and I feel like trash because I forgot them... How could I? I'm Stupid, untidy and distracted. So silly of me, and I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry about me. It's because I need to let it out of my system, because tomorrow it's going to be a new day, right? Ineed to get up early and take out my dog for a walk and then go back to the school to sign me up and look for my pencil case. Hope to find it. I hope for the best.

By the way the only way I managed to finish my day was my sister and cat. My sister listened to me and gave me a big hug and my cat heard me crying in the bathroom and came to me, got over my knees sat in my lap and started purring. I couldn't believe it!!!

He is the best.

Even though sometimes he is just in cat mood and bite and scratch you.

Thank you for whoever read this to the end. I know there are worst things above what happened to me. But... Maybe someone who lived a similar situation feels bad about it and doesn't have someone to talk to, like me. So I really appreciate you for reading all this. Amd if you ever feel like bad and want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. Message me if you want I'm all ears.

Have a great night/day.😘😗😙😚

Love, Ihanna.