21 mar 2024
I refuse to say it out loud and put it into the world but I know what I’m talking about.
WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM GAY? REALLY WHAT ABOUT ME RADIATES RAINBOWS? Nothing against gay people just I’m not and it means the boys I like will never see me the way they see my friends because maybe I’ll be affectionate with my friends and maybe I don’t dress like the walking talking stereotype of a teenage girl but god is it so hard to get a boy to even see me? To look at me like I’m not empty space?
Anyways,
23 feb 2024
I am so unathletic (it upsets me a lot don’t worry) but I’m very poetic and I like to think it makes up for it
No I cannot do a flip into the water but I CAN wax poetic about how the light from the sunset hits the surface and maybe that’s better 🤷♀️
(No this isn’t because I saw a video of someone flipping into a lake and or couldn’t lift suitcases whatever are you talking about)
Anyways,
2nd feb 2024
HES WITH CHLOE FUCKING ALLEN. NOT JOKING NOT EVEN KIDDING NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. CHLOE TEXTS ME ABOUT THIS LIKE ITS A GOOD THING AND GREAT NEWS AND I SIT THERE CRYING DURING ACT 2 OF THE SJP PRODUCTION OF THE ADDAMS FAMILY (it was pretty crappy) ((i only realise the irony now)) AND I CRY AND CRY UNTIL ALL THAT IS LEFT IS RAGE. LIKE COME ON DUDE I KNOW IM NOT LITTLE MISS CONVENTIONAL BUT YOU HAD TO GO FOR THE LIVING EMBODIEMENT OF GIRL??? SHE IS LONG BLONDE HAIR AND LIP GLOSS AND BATH AND BODY WORKS AND IM SITTING HERE WITH MY SOUL TURNED INSIDE OUT BECAUSE ALL THE REASONS I LIKE HIM WERE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW (hes smart and funny and treats all girls like people even if he doesnt want to get with them) BECAUSE SHES SO PERFECT?? AND I CANT HATE HER?? SHE DOESNT HAVE THE LOVE FOR KNOWLEDGE OR LEARNING OR POETRY OR ART OR LITERATURE THAT DO BUT WHAT GOOD IS LOVING ALL THESE FORMS OF LOVE IF NO ONE LOVES ME? ALL I DO IS YEARN AND PINE AND FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I WISH I WAS NORMAL AND LIKED NORMAL GIRL STUFF I WISH I WAS MISS CONVENTIONAL NOW BECAUSE AT LEAST I COULD BE HIS FRIEND BUT NO IM A LONER LOSER WEIRDO AND I CAN NEVER ESCAPE THIS FATE IVE GOTTEN FOR MYSELF. THIS HASNT EVEN MADE ME WANT TO BEAT HIM AND WIN THE GAME THAT IS SCHOOL BECAUSE I WANT TO BE PRETTY AND DUMB AND HAVE BOYS LIKE ME BECAUSE OH MY GOD I CANNOT HAVE A BOY LIKE ME AND ITS INFURIATING. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO AT LEAST HAVE ONE PERSON PICK ME PLEASE I JUST WANT YOU TO WANT ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WANT ME ANYONE JUST WANT ME FOR ME AND THINK ITS CUTE AND ENDEARING AND IM JUST LIKE ANNABETH CHASE AND NOT LIKE I HAVE NO FRIENDS AND DONT WEAR MAKEUP BECAUSE I CAN BE EVERYTHNG YOU WANT IF YOU PROMISE TO WANT ME.
ALL THE SIGNS I THOUGHT WERE FOR ME WERE FOR HER, ALL THE STARES I WISHED WERE FOR ME WERE FOR HER, HE LOVES HER AND PROBABLY DOESNT EVEN KNOW MY NAME AND ITS YEAR 8 ALL OVER AGAIN AND IM A GIRL OBESSING OVER A BOY AND ITS ALL FOR NOTHING BECAUSE HE LIKES HER AND FORGETS WHO I AM THE SECOND I LEAVE THE ROOM AND I WANT TO DEFLATE AND HAVE THE GROUND SWALLOW ME UP AND JUST LIE THERE AND WALLOW IN SELF PITY BECAUSE BOO HOO A BOY DIDNT LIKE ME AND IM SO SAD AND MAD AND FULL OF RAGE AND HURT FOR SOMEONE THAT WAS NEVER EVER GOING TO BE MINE.
anyways,
19th Jan 2024
Firstly, I was being very dramatic yesterday (when am I not) but when I walked out of chemistry (for the second time that day) ((after a too much to be a coincidence amount of hand touching but that’s for you to decide)) and meet kakak in the front of the auditorium and he walks past us, looks directly at her and DOESNT STOP UNTIL HES OUTSIDE. to the point that she points it out and asks who he is. i will bash my own head in. And at lunch she comes over to steal my food and all anyone can talk about is how gorgeous she is for the next ten minutes.
i am going to spend the rest of my life in her shadow.
anyways,