Aries: “Tell the cops to wait, I’m playing Call of Duty.”
Taurus: “Fuck it, I’m going to Canada.”
Gemini: “COME HOME THIS INSTANT I ACCIDENTALLY MADE 144 COOKIES.”
Cancer: (playing cod) “I can’t hear you over the sound of me kicking all these twelve-year-olds’ asses.”
Leo: (pointing to a bruise on my hand) “Is that a hickey?”
Virgo: “Don’t tell your mom, but I’m happy for the gays.”
Libra: “Sad movies are dumb. I don’t want to pay ten dollars to cry for two hours. I do that every day for free.”
Scorpio: “I want the board to change my job title from CEO to supreme leader.”
Saggitarius: “The only reason I have a facebook is to embarass your mom.”
Capricorn: “I have a crush on Eric Dane.”
Aquarius: “I’m hiding from your mother because I just told her to fight me and I’m scared she’ll win.”
Pisces: “When I die, make sure I get a viking funeral. If I’m getting cremated, I’m getting cremated like a badass.”