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Apricity (Ithaqua×Reader)

AN: My first post on this site and of course it's for friends. Regardless, I hope whoever reads this, enjoys it! This is also my first time using Tumblr and posting so if it looks bad, I'm sorry. Word count: 1.7k words Summary: Ithaqua loves you. He loves you more than he can ever express, so he sets you free. That's what you need, right?

If he had to describe you, it'd be with only a single word. Ithaqua didn't think anything else could quite explain the deep seeded feelings that blossomed in his heart. The warmth that filled him to the brim, the natural softening of his gaze, or the way he'd snap to attention at the sound of your voice, all of it, everything, those reactions, it all culminated into one word.

"Apricity."

When you smiled, when you laughed, when you listened, and when you talked, it all soothed his soul. It was the feeling of sunlight touching frigid skin in winter, that warmth like salvation upon him. 

You were the Sun and he was the Earth. The Earth that could never survive without the warmth of the Sun, that bathed in its light every day and circled it for eternity. You two shared a bond stronger than that rooted in words, which dragged you together like gravity, that set him alight in shades of blues and greens. 

However.

He knew he didn't deserve to feel like this. 

He knew he didn't deserve you. 

Your kindness and understanding even when he yelled, when he reacted in ways that made him hate himself, made Ithaqua wish he'd never met you at all. You're just too compassionate, too willing to embrace his flaws, to love him when he isn't worthy of even just looking at you.

That feeling curled in his gut, whispered in his head, sunk its teeth into his heart, and devoured him alive with guilt. For really, what else could he do? Live without you? Death would be kinder.

Even with that guilt lingering in the back of his head like the bitter taste of gal upon one's tongue, he stayed by you. Nothing could make Ithaqua willingly separate from you for longer than a few hours. Well, other than your boundaries.

As he thought this, basking in the rays of the sun all the while, you stood by his side. You smiled at him as you ran in the snow, kicking up the fluttering white frost and laughing all the while. You twirled and hummed, dragging your hand along the porch, scooping snow into your hands and packing it together into a ball.

When you turned to him, he thought you'd launch the snowball at him. Instead, you rushed towards him and presented it to him, eyes sparkling the whole time. It resulted in him staring at you in confusion, though Ithaqua hesitantly took the snowball from your palms.

Once Ithaqua accepted the snowball, you ran back to snatch more snow, turning it into a smaller ball. Then, once more, you offered the snowball to him, which Ithaqua once again accepted with confusion. This repeated a few more times before you were seemingly satisfied, smiling as you made him hold out his hands with the snowballs.

You stuck your tongue out as you focused on the snowballs, grumbling below your breath. Ithaqua watched, smiling softly as you continued to do this. The way your brows were drawn together in concentration was adorable, leaving him content to let you do as you pleased regardless of how odd it was.

After a few minutes of rearranging, you pulled away with a grin. Clapping your hands together in glee, you look up at him. Ithaqua feels the familiar sensation of his heart squeezing, though he ignores it in order to give you his full attention.

"Look! I made us as snowmen! Er- snowpeople??? Snowpeople!" You say it with a child-like joy, taking one of the snowmen- snowpeople from his hands. Belatedly, Ithaqua realizes this one vaguely looks like him.

You cradle the imitation of him like it's the most precious thing to exist. In turn, he holds the imitation of you as if he'd protect it with his life. You laugh as he does, making him laugh in return. Your eyes crinkle at the corners, the sun giving you a halo that makes you glow. You're lit up in shades of gold, making you look like everything he'd ever desire and more.

You look good like this, Ithaqua thinks. You look good when you're happy.

Perhaps that was what made him do it, what made him kill himself. That part of him that loved you so much it could be called nothing less but obsession, slayed and buried by his own hand. He shoved it into a corner of his heart that would never be reached again, locked behind walls he started to build around himself once more.

Ithaqua stopped talking to you, he started to avoid you. He stayed in his room as much as possible, or hid in the darkest parts of the woods surrounding the manor. Even when you had matches with him, he'd show neither hide nor hair of himself before you.

It was as though he'd all but disappeared from your life, giving you whiplash. Did you do something wrong? Did you push his boundaries? Did you accidentally offend him?

Even as you had this emotional crisis, Ithaqua stubbornly refused to face you. Even as his heart broke seeing you cry, asking the other hunters if they knew why he was acting this way, he hid away. No, perhaps it was more accurate to say he ran away.

It was better this way for the both of you, he thought. You could shine your light upon those who deserved it instead of someone like him. He doesn't regret anything. It doesn't hurt.

Even to him, his words all sounded like empty lies.

Still, he'd hold true to this plan. Even as his temper grew worse, making him snap at fellow hunters or unfortunate survivors, he continued. Ithaqua refused to meet you in any way, shape or form. He knew if he did, he'd never be able to let you go again.

Oh, but he should have known. Just as he is stubborn, you are too. Perhaps more than him, even. It was natural for someone who was willing to try and help him, who was kind enough to do so.

When Ithaqua found himself in a random match on Leo's Memory with no recollection of going there, he simply thought it was a punishment from the baron. He'd been losing quite a few matches and hurting many survivors severely, after all. Any matches with you in it, he'd simply not participate in, running away whenever he got tinnitus. In any other match, however, he hunted like never before. So, perhaps this was retribution. Perhaps, it was his turn to be hunted.

And hunted he was.

Ithaqua ran, heart pounding in his chest, though not because of fear. Even as his legs felt as though they'd give out on him, he pushed through, forcing himself to go beyond his limits. If he didn't, it'd all be over.

His blood pumped almost painfully through his veins, his stilts slipping on ice as he continued to try and gain distance. It wasn't working all too well, but he'd be damned if all his efforts went to waste.

However, it was all for naught. In a single moment, he was pushed onto the ground, body colliding with snow. Ithaqua would have struggled if not for the fear of hurting you.

You loomed above him, pinning him down as you desperately gasped for air. Tears were pooling in your eyes as he could only look away in guilt. 

'This is what you do to them.' The voices whispered. 'They've only just seen you again and they're hurt. You can never protect what you love no matter how hard you try. Truly, they'd be better off without yo-'

"Stop."

Your voice cut through his thoughts as you brought your hand up to cradle his face. Tears fell like shooting stars from your eyes, dripping onto his face as though they were his own. Truthfully, he felt like crying, too.

"You always look like that when you're thinking something self-deprecating." You whisper the words like you don't want them to be heard, don't want them to exist, but he hears them anyway. His heart clenches, both in deep sorrow and in shameful love. You knew him too well.

"I don't know why you've been avoiding me, but if it's because of something I've done, I'm sorry. Please tell me what I did, I won't do it again- I'll- I'll make sure I don't over step, or hurt you, or, or-" You cut yourself off, hiccuping as you roughly wipe your eyes. Your tears continue to fall no matter how many times you rub them away, never-ending.

Ithaqua sighs quietly as he lets go of the last of his self control. With his plans laid completely to waste and your quaking form before him, he can't do anything but surrender himself to you. It was a complete and utter loss.

"It's not your fault." He says gently, tenderly wiping away your tears with the pad of his thumb. You look at him with a certain kind of softness as he does so, allowing him to shift around so he can cradle you.

Even now, with tears rolling down your cheeks, eyes reddened, and sniffling in his arms, you were lovely to him. 

"I don't deserve you. You're simply too pure- too good for someone like me. I'm not someone kind or patient, I'm cruel and temperamental. You deserve someone who isn't broken, someone whole. It shouldn't be your job to help me, you shouldn't have to deal with my outbursts. I knew you'd never abandon me yourself, so... I left on my own."

He buries himself in your shoulder, unwilling to look at your face. In hindsight, this plan was a horrible idea. It'd obviously hurt both you and him, and solve nothing at all. Yet, for whatever reason, it made perfect sense to Ithaqua, even now.

"Whether you are worthy of me or not is up to me." You force him to look you in the eye, hands holding his face firmly. "You do not get to make that decision for me. And in my eyes? You have always been worthy."

Ah. 

He feels tears that he'd forced himself to push down, finally gather in his eyes and fall. You smile kindly at him as you wipe them away, as tenderly as he had for you. 

Ithaqua bares his soul to you as the morning sun starts to rise, painting you both gold. The pain, the grief, the joy, the relief, everything that his heart had hid, laid before your eyes to see.

You truly were the sunlight that touched his frigid skin in winter.

You were apricity.

You were salvation.

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