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Journal entry - August 15
Everyone always said that I was too mature for my age. I always kinda took that as a compliment, ya know? “Oh, look at Mark, he’s so mature. Got a good head on his shoulders.” I thought that meant I was adult. Adult-ish. I guess with that sort of head-space it’s no doubt that I started forming friendships with people who were older than I was. A lot older. Like, wow, I didn’t realize you were so much older than me - 20 years! - or that you had three kids. Funny, that. You never talked about them. Why is that, exactly? I’ve never met a parent who wouldn’t gush about their kids. And you never made so much as a peep.
Okay, to be fair, pubs aren’t exactly the best place for that sort of conversation. Or any conversation with real meaning, actually. But still! Not once? Damn, Phil, that’s harsh. But beyond not talking about your kids (which is really kinda brutal, man), you went one step farther. You died. You died and named me their legal guardian. You died and left me with three kids not much younger than myself. You do realize that I’m only just legal to drink, right? Sandra is eighteen. Eighteen, Phil! How the hell am I supposed to put her through college? Or the twins after her? What am I going to do?
Billy set me up on a blind date tonight. Some young hot thing with blond hair and a pert ass. Promised me that she was smart, too. Which, you know Phil, I actually like. Problem is - the problem is - the young hot blond is meeting me down at the local Italian restaurant with the blue eaves. The one with the great sangria? And she’s going to wear a black skirt with blue flowers on it. She’ll be wearing a blue-jean jacket with zebra lining. And she’ll be smoking hot. I know, cuz she just walked out the door with a wave and a smile, telling me not to wait up because her friend Billy set her up on a date.
Billy is so dead.
So yeah! You died, named me the legal guardian of your three kids less than five years younger than I am, and Billy set me up on a date with your daughter. This has been a killer six months. I know what I’m not going to do.
I’m not eating Itailan tonight.
1. “you died and left me your children, even though they’re only a few years younger then me”
2. “you died and left me a haunted house”
3. “you died and left me an obscure magical object, I’m not sure what it does, and your instruction sheet just says ‘have fun storming the castle!’”
4. “you died and left me a fanatically loyal warrior order”
5. “you died and left me a bunch of money and a pile of really weird IOUs?! why did someone owe you a free body disposal. why did someone owe you two brides and a goat. why did someone owe you an island. WHY”
6. “you died and left me to repay a bunch of really weird IOUs”
7. “you died and left me a small country”
8. “you died and left me six research labs that operate in international waters and I’m kind of scared to find out why keeping them out there was a stipulation of the will”
9. “you died and left me a menagerie of animals that are supposed to be extinct? and some that aren’t supposed to be real??? where did you get unicorns. where did you get gryphons. where did you get pegasi???”
10. “you died and left me on the hook for a hereditary marriage contract”