I'm Not Crying You're Crying - Blog Posts

One thing that I feel is really interesting and often forgotten about Essek is that fundamentally, his characterization has been from the start based upon his desperation for external perspectives and connection, which, along with much of his narrative and mechanical positioning, means that he actually has an extraordinary and almost (but not actually, as I'll show) counterintuitive capacity for both growth and trust.

(Buckle in. This is a long one.)

In particular, I would argue, knowing now that many places where the plot touches Ludinus have long been marked for connecting back into the current plot, that he was quite possibly built as a prime candidate for radicalization by the Ruby Vanguard. He felt isolated from his culture, he was desperate for other connection, and he was certainly of the type to believe he was too smart to be drawn into such a thing, given his initial belief that he could control the situation and the fallout. If things had gone any other way, he easily could've been on the other side by now.

As such, he has been hallmarked by being fairly open to suggestion, perhaps for this reason, but the thing about that kind of trait is that it is both how people are radicalized and deradicalized. This is certainly true of Essek, who experienced genuine kindness and quite frankly strangeness from the Nein and was able to move from the isolation the Assembly had engendered to meaningful and genuine connection, largely propelled by his own internal reflection. By the time Nein are aware of his crimes, he's already begun to express regret to an extent and, furthermore, doubt in the Assembly, including explicitly drawing a line against Ludinus, even in a position where he was on his own and probably quite vulnerable.

Similarly, when the Nein reach the Vurmas Outpost some weeks later, he has moved from regret for the position he's ended up carrying a heavy remorse. This makes sense! He's fairly introspective, seems used to spending a lot of time in his own head, and was left with plenty to mull over. It's not some kind of retcon for him to have progressed well past where the Nein left him; it just means he's an active participant in the world who has done his own work in the meantime.

This is another interesting aspect to him. I've talked about this a bit before but I cannot find the post so I'll recap here: antagonists in D&D have significantly more agency than allied NPCs. Antagonists are active forces, against which the party is meant to struggle; allies are meant to support the PCs, which means they tend to be more passive in both their actions and their character growth. Essek was both built as an antagonist, in a position that gives him significant agency, and also was then given significant opportunity to grow specifically to act as a narrative mirror for Caleb's arc. Even when he becomes a more traditional D&D ally, he still retains much of that, though he occupies a supporting role.

I believe that this is especially true because of the nature of Caleb's arc, which I've already written on; the tl;dr of this post is that Caleb is both convinced that he is permanently ruined and also desperate to prove that change is possible. Essek is that proof, because he is simply the character in a position to do so. But this also means that his propensity for introspection and openness is accentuated! He has to do the legwork on his own, for the most part, because that's where he is in the meantime.

But he still ends the campaign necessarily constricted; he is under significant scrutiny, he's at risk from the Assembly, and he goes on the run fairly soon after the story ends. He spends most of the final arc anxious and paranoid, which is valid given the crushing reality of his situation. It would be very easy to extrapolate that seven years into this reality, he would be insular, closed off, and suspicious of strangers, even in spite of the lessons he's learned from the Nein and their long term exposure.

So seeing his openness and lightness now is surprising, but at the same time, given this combination of factors in his position in the narrative over time and his defining traits, it's not by any means unreasonable.

But one thing that I found so delightful is how much trust he exhibits, which is obviously a wild thing to say about Essek in particular, given much of what he learns is both earning and offering trust, which was something he says explicitly in 2x124 that he's never really experienced: "I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust." It makes up much of the progression of his relationship with Caleb, and the trust that he is offered by the Nein in walking off the ship is the impetus he needs to grow.

But I think it's easy to talk about trust when it comes to people who have proven themselves to you or to whom you've ingratiated yourself, and that's really the most we can say about Essek by the time he leaves the Blooming Grove. There is this sense in a lot of discussion of trust (not solely in this fandom) that it is only related to either naivete or love, but there's far more to it. Trust at its best is deliberate—cultivating an openness to the world at large is a great way to combat cynicism and beget connection instead. It allows a person to maintain curiosity and be open to experience, but it can be incredibly difficult to hold onto.

It is clear that the Essek we meet now is a very pointedly and intentionally trusting individual. He trusts Caleb and by extension Caleb's trust in Keyleth, as he shows up and picks up a group of strangers from a foreign military encampment and walks in without issue. He trusts the Hells to follow his lead moving through Zadash and to exhibit enough discretion so as to avoid bringing suspicion upon all of them. He trusts that Astrid will respond well to his entrance, but he also trusts himself and the Hells enough to execute a back-up plan in the case that she doesn't. In the end, he even trusts them enough to give them his name and identity.

He doesn't scan as someone who has spent half a dozen years living like a prey animal, afraid of any shadow he runs across in an alley, withdrawn into himself and an insular family, which would've been an easy route for him to take. He scans as someone who has learned the kind of trust borne of learned confidence and a trained eye for good will and kindness, which are crucial weapons one would need for staving off cynicism in his circumstances—as if he has survived thanks more to connection and kindness than paranoia and isolation. (If we want to be saccharine about it, he scans quite poignantly as a member of the Mighty Nein.)

So it is easy to imagine this trust and openness as a natural progression of his initial search for perspectives external to his own cultural knowledge. Though he makes those first connections with the Assembly to try to vindicate his personal hypotheses, he finds in them exposure to the deepest corruption among Exandrian mortals, which could've—and did, for a time—turned him further down that same dark path.

But it's also this same openness to exposure from the wider world that allows the Nein to influence him for the better, and in spite of the challenges he's certainly faced simply surviving over the past seven years, he seems to have held onto this openness enough to move through the world with self-assurance and a willingness to extend the kinds of trust and good will that he has been shown.

(I would be remiss not to mention that I was reminded about my thoughts on this by this lovely post from sky-scribbles and their use in the tags of 'light' to describe Essek's demeanor this episode, which is really such an apt word for it.)

new episode of X-Men ‘97 hit me right where it hurts life has no meaning. WHY THEY HAVE TO HIT ME IN THE FEELS ASJAYDKSDHIAHSJQI

OVE SPOILERS

going absolutely feral with this parallel:

these violent delights (2020)

our violent ends (2021)

i’m ok

I wish so bad they could be friends again 😭😭

Oomf where are you it’s been a month 🥺

you noticed I was gone? 🥺

mrrooow your art is so gorgeous.. can i drink it

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Transcript below the cut:

Asher: You’re in bed early. You okay? Atlas: I’m fine. Asher: Are you still angry? Atlas: [shrugs] Asher: Do you want to talk about it?

Atlas: [sighs] I just don’t understand why Ezra was involved in conversations about our babies. I don’t want him brainstorming names or anything else. It’s none of his business. Asher: I know. I promise, I tried to change the subject, but Spencer was so excited, and I think he was just trying to connect with her.

Asher: That reminds me, though; can I tell you an idea I have for a name? It’s not on her list yet, I checked. Atlas: Sure. What is it? Asher: Do you remember that graphic novel I made? Atlas: Of course. It took two years before you finally let me read it.

Asher: Yeah, well, it feels really vulnerable, like letting you read my journal or something. Lex is the only other person that’s read it, and that’s only because she was there through it all. Atlas: Well, I feel honored that you trusted me with it. Asher: [chuckles] You should. Atlas: So, what does this have to do with your name suggestion?

Asher: Do you remember The Boy’s name? Atlas: Um, hold on, let me think. You don’t mention it til the end. Asher: Right. Atlas: Don’t tell me. Asher: I will be offended if you don’t get it right. But no pressure.

Atlas: SIMON! His name is Simon. Asher: [smiles wide and nods] What do you think?

Atlas: Sadie and Simon. I love it. Asher: Feels right, doesn’t it? Atlas: It does. Asher: I can’t wait for them to get here.

Atlas: Me neither. You’re gonna be the best dad. Asher: So are you. I love you so much. Atlas: I love you too.

Asher: Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore? Atlas: I’m not mad at you; I just need to know you’re on my side. Asher: Always. For the record, I did try to give him the cold shoulder, but he’s surprisingly friendly. Atlas: I’m sure he was on his best behavior. Trying to impress the family or whatever. He’s so fucking manipulative. Seriously. He’ll turn you against me the first chance he gets. Asher: Let him try. It’s not possible. Atlas: How can you be so sure?

Asher: I’m sure because I know you far better than he does.  I know your heart. And I know your mind. [smirking] And I know your body. I love you. Every part of you. Inside and out. And there’s nothing he can say or do that will ever change that.

Atlas: I love you.

I'm gonna talk about episode 18 once again because holy fuck that episode sure does make me want to eat glass/pos

Ok so the argument in episode 18. It's Bad. It is a genuinely horrific argument that ended in physical violence, which sure is an accomplishment when you literally share a body with the person you are fighting with.

Now, most arguments that John and Arthur have, are eventually just swept under the rug, after all there's no point bickering when there is a creature trying to kill you to death right? But this one is not.

John broke Arthur's trust and Arthur does not let go of that. It takes him a while before he even gets on civil terms with John. He says that he'll only agree to work with John if John agrees to never mention Faroe's name ever again, which John agrees to.

A lot of their arguing and petty squabbling in episode 19 comes from Arthur still being upset from what John said in episode 18.

Episode 20 rolls around, and John and Arthur are back to being on good terms for the majority of the episode. The King however, brings up this argument to Arthur, and Arthur states that whilst he hates Join for betraying his trust, he doesn't hate John for calling him an unfit father.

Whilst that may be true, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt for his best friend to tell him that he sees Arthur as the absolute worst part of himself.

Anyway, we come to episodes 24 and 25 which is where things really get interesting in my opinion. Throughout episodes 21-23, Arthur has told Yellow about how he reminds him of the worst parts of John, the parts that betrayed his trust.

But now John is back. John is back and Arthur is overjoyed to have his friend back but things have happened whilst John has been gone, and now Arthur is dead set on killing a man that John knows nothing about. A man that Arthur simply describes as a bad person, meaning he deserves to die.

John is naturally shocked at this. Arthur is a man who has generally shown sympathy and kindness to all sorts of people and creatures when he's sure they're not a direct threat to his life.

What John doesn't know is that Larson cheerfully bragged to Arthur about willingly sacrificing his own daughter as she begged for him to save her. John does not know this because Arthur does not tell him this.

Of course he doesn't. Arthur has never been one to talk willingly about his own trauma, this on top of the way John betrayed his trust in episode 18? Of course he's not going to tell him.

The last thing Arthur wants at a time when he is already incredibly emotionally vulnerable is for John to turn around and say something along the lines of "is he really that much worse than you?"

John is changing and doing his best, but Arthur is human and emotional and John hurt him, and that's something that he does not simply forget.

As you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you’d woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.

Anyone gonna mention that here thanks to the beautiful (aNd InCreDibLy PaInFuL) work of @somerandomdudelmao that we see THE Donnie, who is known to be touch adverse most of the time, is so scared, hurt, frustrated, lonely (what other Donnified adjective that fits) is not only actively ReAcHiNg, but using whatever little strength he has to get to Casey, to HOLD him as fast as he can.

Anyone? Or is that just me?

I’m healing reading this 🥺🤧💙❤️🤌🏼✨

My heart thanks you @signanothername bless you hooman 🙏🏼🧡

Hey so remember this comic Yeah here’s a continuation, me and @intotheelliwoods are on war as to how we can break each other’s hearts, and in turn break yours too :)

anyway some notes cause this is full of headcanons

1- i like to believe Leo completely lost his ability to use his powers and tap into his Ninpo after Raph and DonDon's death, due to the emotional strain he suffered (going by the theory mystic abilities are heavily connected to emotions) unlike Mikey, Leo doesn't know how to deal with his bad emotions, simply ignoring them, and it just resulted in him losing his powers after so much emotional strain (i literally rambled about this on insta a while back fghjklsdfgh)

2- i like to believe Mikey learned how to absorb emotions out of people if that makes sense, u see Mikey holding Leo's face during their entire talk, Mikey was using his powers to absorb Leo's bad emotions, so that Leo can feel better

that's what the blue energy in Mikey's hands are, Leo's pain and sadness, and that's why Leo seems to actually open up instead of deflecting the convo with a joke or two, cause Mikey's powers made it impossible to do so

doing that however leaves Mikey to feel that pain and sadness, and generally speaking Mikey never does it unless as a desperate last measure, as Mikey prefers that his family open up by themselves instead of the influence of his magic

3- you see Leo calling Mikey "Mike", i like to believe the brothers use certain nicknames in certain situations, in this case, Leo uses the nickname "Mike" as a "i'm really not in the mood, this is serious", its very rare for Leo to use "Mike" outta all nicknames for Mikey, and Mikey hates when Leo uses that particular nickname cause he knows it's bad when Leo uses it, hence, why he resorts to absorbing Leo's bad emotions

4-ok so you see by the end that Leo gets to hug Raph one last time, this is Mikey's doing, Mikey's sharing his own Ninpo with Leo so his big bro gets to say goodbye to their eldest brother

moral of the story? Mikey's cool as fuck

Jason Ratiff | "Super Shadows”

I think the lamb would have lots of sheep memorabilia, and even make their own

LGBT folk deserve these things and so much more - consider donating to black LGBT funds this pride in support of BLM 

“remember me,” i sing. by @scarletvisionss

I’ve been postponing finishing this for a long time but hERE IT IS

sorry for the long post

BONUS:

HAPPY EPONINE PROMPTS!: Eponine and Cosette being friends and getting into gardening-related shenanigans together in whichever happier AU setting you prefer (post-barricades? Valjean adopts everyone? Fantine raises Cosette in Paris? Anything!)

I don’t know that there’s enough Shenanigans here, but there IS gardening, and it’s post-barricades, and I hope I did this prompt justice even a little, because it’s a very very good prompt.

—

It took days and days, of Éponine’s wounds healing, of everyone waiting for Marius to wake up, of Cosette holding herself very straight and speaking very steadily while her hands shook, of Éponine raising her chin and sneering and then again flinching every time Marius’s horrid grandfather raised his voice, it took days and days, for the two of them to decide that they didn’t have to be enemies, at least, and then more days for them to figure out what that meant, and then.

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