✧ Interaction ╱ Feray Locke - Blog Posts
feray's forgiveness was a relief, but dacey still stood ill at ease, so sure she had said the wrong thing, and so unsure she entirely deserved the grace. there was a grace to the way she carried herself that dacey could never truly hope to emulate. so rarely did she speak of jon, and never without a tightness in her chest, an intensity she wished not to speak of. grief, to dacey, was an exposed nerve, to be concealed and protected from poking and prodding, and yet to feray, it seemed to be something quite different.
"you have more strength than most," she added, after a pause. "more than me." it was a strength that came from faith. that much was plain to any who knew feray locke. it was not that dacey did not have faith of her own, just that it was different. the afterlife feray spoke of was nothing like the teachings dacey had grown up with. "it is a lovely thought." it might have sounded patronising, if not for the utter sincerity in dacey's voice. "it might not be what my gods teach, but there is much peace in the thought." and children who had already faced hardship so young deserved nothing more than peace.
"it is never quiet in winterfell," she managed a smile. "there is too much life in the walls." and that was the way it should be, even if she often felt like a ghost, a relic of the past watching life continue around her. "it is funny, sometimes life seems too loud to bear, and at other times the quiet is crushing. there's never an in-between." it was more of a musing than something she expected feray to provide a solution to, if she could even understand it. "i'm sorry. a silly thought."
her head tilted a little at mentions of the ravens, expression softening. "i think i'd like that." her mother had been of house blackwood. the sight and sounds of ravens always reminded dacey of her. "clever birds."
she had become used to people not sure what to say, or apologising for accidentally saying something that might hurt her. but the truth was that anything rarely did. she had grown stronger in these last couple of moons. “do not fret, dacey.” she finally used her real name. there was a kind smile on her lips, but it was not wide or particularly joyous. there was always a tint of sadness to it now. except for a few moments where she felt like herself again, how she had been before the war, before she had to rely on poppy milk.
feray had never found it too difficult speaking of her brothers. she believed it helped her to be able to talk about them. then it was not all in her head and heart. “i do not mind speaking of grief and loss. i do mourn my brothers, and i wish every day they were here, but i also know we will see each other again.” without her faith, she did not believe she would have lived through the loss. she would not have been able to deal with her mother's sudden silence, or her father's pain that was so great he never left oldcastle any more, which meant she had to take on certain responsibilities as ruling lady in his stead. the war has done its damage, they all had to find a way to move on in peace. “i hope the children will find comfort in it as i have.”
she had no ambition to spend much time in winterfell, happy to stay home and at white harbor with amir. “thank you. winterfell is the heart of the north, so let us hope that it never grows quiet.” it should never become as quiet as oldcastle has become. “if you come visit, we can go see the ravens. i cannot claim that they are quiet, but luckily they are kept some distance away from the keep.”
dacey fell silent, and it suddenly occurred to her that she had chosen her words carelessly. neither of them were a stranger to loss, and yet, dacey knew her own grief must pale in comparison to feray's. whilst there were still starks left breathing, she could not compare herself to the woman she called a friend.
"i'm sorry, feray," her voice was quiet, her expression saying all that her words did not about what exactly she was sorry for. "of course it is. i was not thinking." and dacey hoped that she would understand, and not take offence to words that carried in them no intent to offend.
feray spoke of the gods, and dacey merely listened, quiet contemplation crossing her face. she had not much thought what those who follow the seven thought of the afterlife. the thought of reuniting with those who had been lost was a sweet sentiment, but seemed worlds away from what she had grown up knowing. she believed that the gods returned you to the earth, to the trees and the stream and the wind, that those who were lost were around them now in the present, rather than a sweet promise for the future. but her beliefs were her own. she would not repeat them here, the regard she held feray in and the respect she felt for her too great to share her thoughts on a topic that dacey knew meant a lot to the lady of oldcastle. "i will have to tell the children that, when they are older." it would do them no harm to learn of the views of others who occupied the north. their kingdom was changing, and no matter who protested it, the faith of the seven was as much a part of their world now as the old gods were.
"thank you," a light smile graced her face. "i will try and make sure you don't regret that offer. winterfell is often a busier place than i would like." and there was a beauty to oldcastle's shores that did, indeed, invite peace. things were changing so quickly, a change of scenery and a place where she did not have to be so on her guard would be welcomed. "as you are just as welcome at winterfell, though i cannot promise much quiet there."
feray had no doubt if death was worse for the one departed or those left behind. if she had drowned in that frozen lake all those years ago, it was not she who would have suffered. a babe growing up without her mother was a tragedy. every child needed a mother, a safe haven. maybe king owen would remarry and princess rosalyn would know a mother's love, if the new queen would have space in her heart for a motherless child.
“to be left behind.”
if there was one thing feray did not waver in, it was her faith. she had seen some around her lose it during the war. but she only clung tighter to there being a reason for everything, a plan she did not yet understand. “her grace is at peace with the gods, there is no pain or regret or worry where she is now.” she gestured for dacey to sit down in the seat by the fire. if there was one thing feray had pondered a lot lately, it was death, and how to deal with being the one left behind. “there will always be sadness for those left behind, but the little princess is not alone. she will live and hear stories of her mother, and one day, many years from now with the gods' blessing, they will reunite.” for feray, her faith was what had helped her through the grief of losing all her brothers. without it, she feared that she would have given up. some days the grief felt too heavy to bear, other days she felt at peace knowing the separation from her brothers was just temporary. they would see each other again.
feray knew dacey did not share her religion, but as far as she was aware then the sentiment also worked with the followers of the old gods. “you are always welcome at oldcastle if you need to escape once in a while. there is room for quiet contemplation on our shores.” there were so many starks, several children too, and she wondered how someone like dacey could find their own peace at winterfell.
dacey nodded in understanding, in agreement with feray's assessment of king's lading. she hadn't much enjoyed it there, either, save for a few moments in between that had painted a genuine smile on her lips. "i was certainly glad to be home," the words were out before she could really think about them, for as much as she had been looking forward to leaving the city, to coming back to winterfell, so much had changed that she wasn't really sure she was all that glad at all.
house stark was not the only northerners to have suffered during the war, a fact dacey was all too keenly aware of. it had took from them all, leaving all with scars that couldn't, wouldn't, heal, and dacey did not think many had lost quite so much as feray locke. and yet she stood here still. offering condolences for yet another tragedy. death had followed them for far too long. it was inevitable that today, it would once again make its presence known, an uninvited straggler they couldn't ignore. the late queen's absence was heavily felt - as was the loss of the eldest princess of the north.
"thank you," she murmured, shifting uncomfortably on her feet. she was grateful for the sentiment, but it did not feel like her condolences to receive. "it is her children's grief i think of. theirs, and my brother's."
it was a dreadful thing, to see children lose their mother, made all the more bittersweet that she had for the smallest babe she had brought into the world. "it is a strange thing," she admitted. "i can only hope the sadness does not follow her much longer into her life." it was a terrible burden for a child, for their whole existence to be tied to death from the moment they entered the world. "i don't know which is worse," she was largely thinking out loud, her words unfiltered in the presence of one she trusted. "to die without ever having the chance to know who your child will become, or to be the child left behind."
despite their familarity, she dipped into a curtsy as dacey entered the room. "of course not, princess." feray had called the woman 'her highness' in the past, but as they had grown closer through the years then it seemed too formal. yet it still felt wrong to just outright call her dacey, so the lady of house locke usually eased herself into it by first acknowledging her title. "your visits are always welcomed." it was mostly true. feray did truly enjoy seeing her friends. they were a balm to the wounds life had inflicted on her in the past year. but it was also difficult to put on a mask and pretend all was well. she was healing but only slowly. and the starks had a tendency to remind her of the war. but her heart was lighter today so she did not have to fake the smile on her lips. "it was good to see old friends again but there was too much brutality in king's landing. the valyrian way of life would not suit me." she had not seen them fight but she had prayed for the gladiators. it seemed an unusual cruelty to make them fight in front of a crowd. she had heard of some of the injuries inflicted, how some of them resulted in death.
but she was acutely aware that she was not the only one of them who had experienced loss and uncertainty. "i was sorry to hear of your family's loss, dacey." she really had been. feray was not close to the royal family. house locke had always allied themselves with house manderly, so while they still answered to house stark then the royal house seemed even farther removed from them. but queen rosalyn had been known for her kind and gentle nature, the loss of such a soul was a heavy one. "her grace will be missed by the north but our grief pales to that of yours." she thought of the children that would grow up without their mother, of the king that was no longer a husband. "it must be difficult to come to grips with death and a new life at the same time." it was the cost many women paid for new life, the cost she had been warned that she would likely pay one day. she always felt a cold shiver down her spine when she heard of women dying in childbirth. it always ended up feeling like a warning of what was to come.
closed starter for @feraylocke
dacey's return from the crownlands had been a slow, tedious progress, leading to her delayed arrival back in the north long after the rest of the stark's retinue had arrived home. she'd never travelled much before, and opted for a steady journey that could allow her to take breaks, should her health require it. that would prove to be a wise decision, for the princess had remained strong throughout the coronation and still fit and well now she had returned to her home.
but the feeling in winterfell was strange. the loss of the queen, coupled with the tension between the eldest stark siblings and all things relating to alysanne casting an odd sensation over familiar halls. dacey would do her best to see where she could help, how she could best support her elder brother, but not yet. first she had to clear her mind.
and so, it was to feray locke she had come. feray had long been a friend, the recipient of many letters from dacey over the years. the idea of seeing her in the flesh again was a welcome one.
"i apologise for the short notice, feray," an apologetic smile graced dacey's face as she greeted her. "i hope my visit isn't an inconvenience to you." she would be mortified if her visit had put feray out in any way, but such things couldn't be helped.
"how are you? did you enjoy the coronation?"
