i shared on tiktok that i wrote a mater x luigi as in luigi from the cars movie fanfic but they all thought I was talking about luigi mangione and like that is so much better picture this: luigi mangione is an infamous assissine known for his bold and impactful political assissinations–and his jaw droppingly good looks. Mater is the best agent in C.H.R.O.M.E., Command Headquarters for Recon Operations and Motorized Espionage, a role he earned for himself when he saved the World Grand Prix race from the evil organization, the Lemons. Mangione is as evasive as he is effective, killing with such grace and prowess that billionaires and CEOs globally have been dropping like flies ever since his first kill, the United Health Care CEO. The top 1% is scared, pouring all their money into efforts to catch and kill Mangione before their head is on the chopping block. The issue has been so bad and so terrifying that many billionaires have been forced to stop their cherished annual charitable donation of $1. Times are truly troubling. For the first time in what has been months, the world’s governments have finally gotten a lead– they found Luigi Mangione’s apartment.
“Agent Mater, I don’t know how else to say this: we need you. After getting the recent lead with Luigi’s apartment, we have discovered that he plans to kill Elon Musk. We need to stop him, but we have no clue where he is.” Jack Crawford looked tired. He missed Will, but Will was gone. He ran off with Hannibal Lector a few months back. Jack needs Mater on this case, he needs a trusted agent who won’t run off with a killer.
“So you want me tuh find luigi and kill’em?” Mater asks nonchalantly. He’s done this task a million times as the best agent the FBI- nay the world– has ever seen, holding a documented 3,037,000 kills alone.
“Yes. I have these pictures of his apartment and of what we found in it. Take a look and tell me–”
“Im gonna stop you right there. I aint lookin at any pictures, i gotta see the place with my own windshield.” Mater looks strong, he knows he can order Jack around like this. Mater’s skill has allowed him privileges few others have had. Also, Jack is mentally broken by Will. Jack gives in.
—
The apartment is on the 20th floor of the downtown brooklyn highrise. Mater is lifted up there by a crane, too big for the narrow human hallways of the building.
“Well there goes any surprise if he’s there”, Mater thought glumly, “i cant believe that in the year of our lord 2025 there is still such rampant discrimination for living cars.” a tear runs from his eyes.
“THREE, TWO, ONE, GO!!!”--*CRASH!!* Mater was just swung in through the window, he does a super sick role to slow his fall and lands with his tire sticking out, ready to show off. The apartment is neaty, excluding the glass and rubble from the wall he was just thrown through. Mater drives around slowly taking in the room. It is well decorated he notes, loving Mangione’s taste in decor. The photograph of Mangione on the wall catches Mater’s attention. Luigi’s abs are on full display and he is hiking, Mater’s engine revs a bit.
“Odd…” he thought. He drives around a bit more, searching and scanning for some kind of sign of where Luigi is going to kill Musk. He was looking at some more pictures of Luigi when he saw it. The space ship and the orange. Elon Musk was planning create a new worl record: have the least productive space trip with the most CO2 emissions. Because of the threat Musk had been hiding the launch spot but somehow Luigi found it. The John F. Kennedy Space Center.
“Oh my diddly darn yall, he’s gonna JFK Elon Musk.”
–
The air is hot and damp leaving Luigi looking permanently oiled up and his hair up in perfect curls.
“God how can i see in stealthily when i look this hot?” Luigi worried to himself. He was already hot in drier new york, how could he make it to the space station on time with the number of people that will be flirting with him, unaware or because of who he is?
Walking off the plane, Luigi is relaxed. He knows his home had been broken into by the FBI and that they knew he planned on killing the fuckass piece of human shit from a butt evil little human elon musk. He was fine with them knowing– more eyes on justice– as he thought there was no way for them to catch up with him, unaware of a certain rusty pickup added to the team.
When he finally gets to the center 84 hours later, a lot of people were filtering, the launch was mere hours from starting. He planned a head for it took take a while for him to get there, but it took him 4 hours longer than he would of liked. His plan was simple: snip the rat from his perch then send a burning arrow to cook him for the people to eat the rich. He was already and imposition for the attack when he heard an odd rumbling sound from behind him. Looking back, he saw a large brown rusty truck with massive green eyes. It was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. His jaw fell open.
“He-he-lloo” Luigi is shocked. Mater is too. This reaction is normal for the truck who pulls mad bitches, but he wsa stunned to see Luigi in person. Mater never kept up with the news, they never talked about his top secrete killings, so this was his first time really seeing the man. Mater’s jaw dropped too.
“Are yew gonna kill Elon Musk?” Mater asked, a genuine qeustion as Luigi’s beautiful face grew empathy he hadn’t felt since his youth with his first love Luigi(yellow car).
“Yeah, he sucks. He’s literally a nazi.”
“REALLY? I hate nazis lets kill the bitch” they kill him and its beautiful the people dance on Musk’s burning carcas.
“Hey Luigi, let’s run away together and get married i love you”
“I love you too Mater” they then have sex i dont know how
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jack Crawford cries, “HOW DID I LOOSE ANOTHER AGENT TO A HOMOEROTIC REALATIONSHIP WITH A KILLER??? AM I A MATCH MAKER???omg i am.” with this realization jack leaves the fbi and starts a matching making business and its best to ever exist.
so i was thinking about lan wangji and how he has this reputation of being righteous while also in my opinion acting like an asshole? like he acts very petty and is ready to pull his sword on people a lot and isn't really involved in politics even in a way that makes sense as a high ranking member of a sect? like the silencing spell on jin ling is uh. bad.
it's like lan wangji has scary dog privilege by virtue of his reputation and his brother and uncle who will wreck you if you do or say anything to/about him. except thats not right because theyre not scary dogs at all, they just protect him. it's like lan wangji is a scary dog and lan xichen and lan qiren smooth things over and stop him from doing something too awful and calm others down after lan wangji does something not too great. and i guess with the reputation for being righteous (second jade of lan) is enough to deter people from saying/doing things like "hey he's a dick" because dude that's hanguang-jun, what are you talking about???".
and the people he saves on night hunts or whatever are random civilians who don't interact with him enough to see him behave badly, and a cool and aloof powerful cultivator saving them gets a lot of leeway on account of being a famous powerful cultivator and also being someone who saved them from fierce corpses or spirits or healed their kid or grandparent or whatever. who cares if theyre quiet and kinda rude they saved their sister!!!!!
so when lan wangji is a dick to jin ling or fucks off from political stuff or is ready to pull his sword on jiang cheng in the jiang ancestral hall or whatever he's doing so with the reputation of hanguang-jun who saves people and also is supported by lan xichen (lan sect leader and brother) and lan qiren (former acting sect leader, uncle, teacher) and they are protective and dare i say overindulgent of lan wangji???? like bro you are a political figure whether you like it or not, your actions have effects on things besides your own direct personal circle. like the heir of gusu lan pulling a sword on sect leader jiang is fucking political incident whether or not theyre both being assholes or not. the adult heir of gusu lan using the lan silencing spell on the teenage heir of lanling jin is a political incident. not engaging with other sects politically, ever, says important things about your priorities and your influence both within the sect and without.
also like. what if something happened to gusu lan? like say lan xichen is injured, and lan qiren is also out of commission for some reason? that means lan wangji is acting sect leader. can you IMAGINE lan wangji as sect leader. imagine it. really visualize it. there's a lot of jokes about lan wangji being a petty bitch and people love it but imagine a petty bitch as a sect leader. the situation would blow up faster than lans get drunk on a glass of wine. like dude. so much stuff would be totally fucked.
anyway lan wangji as he is in mdzs would be a shit sect leader/chief cultivator/etc. he doesn't behave like he's intimately involved in the politics of his world (which he is) and may or may not have training in doing so - maybe he has training and just doesn't do it? which is also really bad, then he would know better and still not do it or help in any way.