Jarrus.01 - Blog Posts

sacreficied​ // Kanan Jarrus

balancing his life as a jedi and what he owed, what he wanted to owe, to ghost crew was not an easy task. there had been years where no attempt had been made –– something that had shifted when they had stumbled across ezra, that realization of what, exactly, he was missing in his life. kanan wanted better for himself now. he wanted better for all of them. he wanted to be a better man that he had been in the past.

“what isn’t?” kanan replied back with a slight chuckle, shoulders lifting in a slight shrug to reduce the weight of his own words. corners of his mouth lifted in a slight smile. “i’m grateful for the chance that we all have with this,” he begun, being mindful to choose his own words carefully. “still, i wonder what we’re all looking at with the bigger picture.”

If they hadn’t known better, Sabine would almost say she was concerned for Kanan. Something was obviously eating at him-- but it had always been harder to have these kind of talks with him than with Hera. Still, she nodded at his admission of thankfulness-- with the kind of life they lead, it was no small miracle they had even a handful of people left to care about.

“Bigger picture? What do you mean by that?” They asked, hoping that there was no hint of judgement evident in her voice. Was this about the Jedi, about Ezra? Or Hera and Jacen? In a galaxy that seemed to always require so much sacrifice, some days it took all of her energy just to survive. To see their family again. What could be bigger than that?

sacreficied​ // Kanan Jarrus

a huff of laughter pushed out of his nose and he nodded his head in agreement. no, something being hard had never discouraged them all from doing something –– it had only made them get a little more creative with how they had approached it. but he would give the others credit for that before himself, easily viewing them all as vastly superior to his own. he had his own strengths, that was just one that he saw being more advanced in the others.

“oh, absolutely,” kanan agreed with a deep chuckle escaping, giving a nod of his head as his arms folded across his broad chest. they would have all been lost without hera, not just him –– something that he was painfully aware of. “we’d all be lost without them.”

a beat passes, something heavier clearly laying on his mind from the crease between his brow. “if i had to choose between, i know the choice i’d make. i just hope i never have to make that choice.”

Their smile turned somber once again with his dire words of sacrifice and loss. He doesn’t have to tell her the choice he’d make because they’d already lived it. The aftermath of his decision to protect Hera, to protect all of the crew that Sabine called aliit--  it weighed on them both. Weighed on all of the Spectre crew, really, but it sat in between them in the here and now.

“Yeah, me, too.” The tone-shift was heavy and awkward to navigate, something she didn’t really want to adopt right now. With everything that had happened in the last few years, loss was always on the forefront of their mind-- often partnered with guilt. “Still, uh, we’ve always been lucky enough to have each other.” Almost always. “What’s on your mind, Kanan?”

sacreficied​ // Kanan Jarrus

there had been a long time when kanan did not have to concern him about attachment for others. in the period between the order falling and hera finding him, there had been no one for him to attach himself to. the order hadn’t cared about sex, and he’d never let anyone or anything be more than that. but as he had regained his connection with the force, began to incorporate that into his life again… attachment and connection was something that he had thought a lot about.

“kind of,” he paused for a moment before offering more information. “we’re not supposed to let it control us –– attachment, or love itself, or… the fear of losing it control or guide us. it’s easier said than done.” he tried to live by that, still. it was why years ago he’d told ezra to take over, well aware that his attempts to save hera would be affected by his love for her.

still, kanan did not regret a thing. if it came to a choice, he would choose hera and the rest of his family. he’d always been the ‘ do as i say, not as i do ’ type anyway. “well, no one ever said any of us were wise,” he quipped back with a grin of his own cracking across his features.

Sabine listened with a focused intent as he spoke, trying to make meaning of her friend’s words. For all of the jokes and bullshit banter, they did like hearing Kanan talk. Liked learning about his creed and the family he once belonged to. 

“‘Easier said then done.’ That should be our crew’s tagline, huh?”

They paused on the notions of love and control and possession and guidance. She traced through their memories, wondering just how many actions had been driven by the desire to protect someone they cared about. More, it seemed, were inspired by the instinct than not. Whether it made them smart, or wise, she couldn’t say. Mandalorian or Jedi, everyone had to find a way to cope with the inevitability of feeling.

“Y’know, if I had to bet my money on the wisest of us, it’d probably be Hera. Sometimes I think they’re smarter then all of us combined.”

sacreficied​ // Kanan Jarrus

so much had happened over the course of their lives together as ghost crew that had been unpredictable, so many things to be grateful for –– and yet, nothing struck him quite the same as listening the others speak about the time that he was dead. kanan imagined that the other jedi he had spoken to must have felt in a similar way, the apprehension tightly wound with gratitude. he would not look at a gift like this with lack of appreciation, though there were things about it that he questioned.

“it’s easy to get caught up in the things that we’ve lost. you weren’t around for it, but you know that i did for years.” the circumstances had been different, but after sixty-six, he’d never stopped to appreciate that he was alive, that he still had his wits about him. it had taken time to appreciate hera, too. “i’m… i’m doing well. seeing the order restored has given me hope that i didn’t know i needed. for ezra, and for jacen. i know that there will be some who don’t approve or understand of… all of this,” he gestured loosely with his hand at nothing in particular, meaning ghost crew as a whole. “but even with the order’s stance on attachment, i think it makes me a better jedi.”

.

Silence weighed between them as Sabine listened to their friend’s admittance of his past actions. He’d never spent much time talking about what had happened before he found Hera, and she didn’t blame him. She didn’t respond to his words, but nodded, just taking time to listen. Years of petty arguments and bickering made it easy to forget how alike the two could be. 

“You know I don’t know much about the Jedi beyond what you and Ezra have shared with me--” she started, combing through words and phrases with caution. “But, it’s almost funny, right? I mean, the core beliefs of the mando’ade are all about family and connection. And the Jedi are supposed to distance themselves from that kind of emotion, right?”

They hesitated, offering a small, sad smile (though she knew he couldn’t see it). They bumped her boot against his, trying to keep the energy from sinking.

“It may be kinda unorthodox, but I think it works. I think we all make each other better...And, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. Rebuilding the Jedi and committing to the people you care about. Who care about you. Against our better judgement,” she teased. 

sacreficied​ // Kanan Jarrus

“thank the force for that,” kanan agreed with an easy smile. it was overwhelming, the kind of pride that jacen brought him. it was also difficult to balance his drive and desire to protect both him and hera along with his commitment to the force, the rebuilding jedi order. it was a precarious balance, one that he was hesitant to speak to any of the older, more experienced masters about. ahsoka would understand, he was certain of that much, but she was not the only approval that he would have liked to have.

a deep breath pulled in through his nose, nodding his head. “it’s good to be back. i never thought i’d live to see a day like this. i mean, i guess i didn’t, but…” beyond his own sacrifice, the beginning of a new republic and new jedi order was monumental. “we’re lucky nonetheless.”

.

Two stood in quite repose as she listened to Kanan’s words soft-spoken. They nodded at his notion of gratitude. A few years ago, there was no way she could have hoped for any of this. There was a time when the pain felt like it would never subside, and it had driven them away from the people that cared about her most. 

“We are. When I-- when we lost you, Kanan, and then Ezra...well, everyone took it pretty hard. Then when the Empire came for Mandalore? Fuck, I thought I’d lost everything. I lost sight of the fact that I still had Hera, Zeb, Kallus, Jacen, and Chopper. And now,” they sighed, uncomfortable with the wellspring of emotions in her chest. “You’re here. Ezra’s here. And that’s more than I could ever ask for.”

She settled back into silence, realizing that this was a lot to put on him. That wasn’t the intent, and they hoped Kanan knew he didn’t have to carry her grief and guilt.

“But, uh. That’s enough about me. How are you holding up?”

“That’s because he inherited Hera’s good sense,” they joked, with a gentle nudge at his ribs. She could tell there was a lot on his mind, but there was no need to pry. Their language had always been one of silence, of emotions unspoken. It was...well, they were beyond grateful to have him back. Sure, she was older and (hopefully) wiser than the last time they’d met, but it was still him. Still Kanan. They’d done nothing to deserve their family back, but goddamn if she was going to let anything happen to them again.

“Ka’ra, it’s good to have you back. I was starting to miss making fun of you. Even if I can’t exactly call you an old man anymore.” The flash of a smile, marked only with a small caliber of sadness. It was a gift to see him again, but something still stung with a phantom of guilt.

@call-me-spectre-five​   //   sabine wren.

“jacen seems to be rather fond of you.” there was a warmth to his tone, even if his expression was somewhat contained. most of the results of the emperor’s rift would have been overwhelming to the average person, and it was to him, despite that he had been able to swallow much of it while maintaining his dignity. fatherhood, the restoration of the jedi order, what had happened to ezra… he was trying to follow his master’s teachings, controlling his emotions so that they did not control him. “you’ve been a good influence for him.”