John Waugh - Blog Posts

STAFU , You Can’t Show Me This And Expect Me To Be Normal About It

hard launch

Chapter 10

Word count 2043

I know I said yesterday I’d only post a chapter a day but there’s no point leaving it when I’ve written a lot I’ll just post what I have and then update it when there’s an update ready

I hope everyone likes it so far there’s not really much trigger warnings for this one

Matty's POV

3 o'clock rolls around well quicker than I thought it would, I catch myself packing up and then Miss Conner's walks in holding a million folders and papers

"Would you like some help there miss ?"

"I've got it Matty , but thank you." She ends up placing the pile on the desk in-front of her and sits herself down at her computer "So Matty, have you had any other though about what might be causing you too feel like you need to escape!?".

Placing my rucksack back onto the floor I slouch back into the chair and start biting the skin around my nails "there's a lot really" this doesn't come out as confident as I felt it would , it was more of a mumble then anything else.

"Sorry?"

"I just said there's alot of things really that are bugging me", I pull my blazer around me tighter so I feel warmer "it's just a lot of anxiety about stuff I think"

"About anything in particular?"

"Just everything at this point, school , home , what I'm going do after school like I know what I want to do but I don't know if it's ever gunna happen", I'm talking with my hands being a little over dramatic my words as this is the only way I can concentrate right now.

"Is there anything that's upsetting you the most or giving you the most anxiety" , She's typing on her computer probably taking notes on this conversation for the school counsellor

"I don't really know what's bothering me most , it's just everything is changing, anytime anything gets to loud or something I just get overwhelmed and my ead start spinning it's like a constant ead ache", my heads in my hands again, I'm stressing even thinking about it, it hate all of this.

"So is it always just noise or is there other things that make you feel that way?"

"I don't know maybe crowds and when things get to much and I try to do a lot at once that kinda makes me ill."I'm resting my elbows on my knee at this point basically talking to the ground my leg is bouncing and I'm racking my hands together

"Does this usually happen when you get on edge or anxious", she's gesturing to what I'm doing

"Maybe , but I feel like it's something I've always done". Trying to make a conscious effort to not do it it's makes it arguably worse.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about right now?, is there anything you think would help with it?"

"My fiends are helping and my mum knows so she understands and she's trying her best to voice my opinions in a way I never knew I needed"

"Is that all you need" looking around I'm trying to think of anything else I might need but there's not really anything I can think of right now I just want everything to feel right.

"I don't think so, can I go now?, I've got stuff to do"

Smiling at me she checks the time and the end of school is approaching "yes , that will do for now, but I'll be having another catch up soon."

At that I thank her , pick up my rucksack and leave making my way down to the front gate to wait for Ross and Jamie. Sticking my headphones in , I scuff up the walls until the bell goes to let everyone out, George hasn't messaged back since out last conversation , I decide I'm gunna do something wild I open my phone and message him again.

"Your fit too" , I send the message with a picture of myself and I'm smiling my cheeks are red from the blush that overcame me when I wrote the reply. Risky again I'm not gay but he's different

The bell goes only a couple seconds after and just stuff my hands in my pocket along with my phone and just wait for them to come down. Shivering because although its May it's still freezing and I didn't bring a jacket. Once the majority of the school is out Ross and Jamie come sauntering down the path.

"Guys come on we ain't got all day", jumping around bouncing from each foot to keep my body heat up . When the boys reach me I notice Jamie isn't even wearing his jacket so I quickly steal it from him as he's always warm so I know it'll keep me warm.

"Oy Healy , what you doing?" . He starts running after me but I'm as quick as a fuckin race horse so I'm off in a flash

"Just cold out innit". I pull his jacket around me and get cosy, I can't remember the last time I felt someone else's body heat who wasn't my family, other than a quick pat on the back or arm round my shoulder. It's nice , in saying that I can't remember the last time I was able to get body heat I don't let people in anymore really. "It's warm can I have it till I get home, I'll bring it back tomorrow?"

"Don't you ave your own jacket Matty". He doesn't come back for it , he wasn't really bothered anyway "You can ave it for now, just remember to give it back"

"Thank you"

"What you doing tonight Matty ?", he's probably inkling to playing online with me once he's finished work which I'd be down for.

"Nothing tonight , I'll be calling George later , but if you wanna go online later I'm down". The town is quiet for this time of day most of the kids arent wandering around like usual , the sky was pretty ,blue and grey but also looked like it might rain later. I like rain it's peaceful

"Yo Matty!!!" , I'm startled out of my trance by Rosses voice

"Sorry what ?". There both just stood looking at me. Like I'd missed something

"I said are you and George going steady" he winked at me like the pest that he is

"What are you talking about"

"I'm just kidding man"

"No serious though, I know you guys tell me everything so I know the answer anyway but have you guys ever met a guy and they've made you think you might not just like girls."I slow my walking down a bit so they could catch up with me because I really need to talk about this right now and I'd rather it not be shouted to the entire street

"What do you mean?". Just two and a half straight men walking about Manchester talking about men is not how I saw my Tuesday going

"I don't really know what I'm talking about, just asking if you've ever questioned if you were straight really". I don't really look at them while we walk just in case there looking at me like I'm a mad man

"Not me no , but I know McDonald here has a big man crush on a guy in 6th form". He shoves Ross into a fence next to us playfully then Ross comes running after him. I'm just trying to stay out the way but still laughing

"DONT TALK SHIT SQUIRE", Ross has somehow managed to get Jamie into a headlock and got him trapped

"Bro I ain't talking shit , I've seen the way you look at him." After struggling out of his hold Jamie comes back to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder "What we're you thinking about anyway Healy , what's got ya brain muddled or who should I say ?"

"Just asking really that's all" , I can't be telling them anything yet they'll just be taking everything way out of context and I'm not even sure myself.

"Have you got a thing for a lad like Matty?", Ross has joined us again after sorting himself out "we wouldn't judge you, you know , really we kinda thought you might be at least Bi?"

"I'm just voicing things man honestly , like I've never been with a guy , may have had a few turn my head but I didn't know if it was just a hormone thing or general curiosity or what"

"Would it really be any different though at the end of the day right , if your in a dark room and someone goes down on you would you really know the difference anyway!?" . Ever the philosopher is our Jamie

"I wouldn't mind that's all I'm saying". I try shrugging it off like it's no big deal but really if it wasn't a big deal it would be much easier to just say it "I'm just saying would it really matter , like if I might have a small thing for someone who wasn't a girl , like it's not all men it's just this one guy , there just different, what would that mean ?"

"We'll just give it a go lad , if you never shot you never know right", Using our own lyrics against me is just the right way to go , Ross has always got a way of helping me understand things "and it wouldn't matter to us"

"Thanks guys, I knew you'd help" we have now arrived at Jamie's house we watch him walk in so he's not mugged right at his front door , and we make our way to Ross' which isn't far from mine. I love Jamie but Ross is a lot better in these situations

"Honestly Matty , you know if you like a guy it's not a big deal I'd say go for it", Ross is my best mate we've been friends for years and he always knows what to say he's rummaging around in his pocket probably for gum before he goes home so I pass him mine

"So the guy in 6th form what's he like then ?" , I don't feel like I've spoken to him much recently so I never really knew about the guy "what's his name?"

"It's not really a thing we're friends he's in my Biochem class , but his names John and Jamie's not wrong I do find him really interesting , but it's just a little different to what I'm used too"

"I understand that", this makes me laugh quite a bit this is not how I saw things going. This is just not how things were with us

"So your guy , is it George?, I won't tell Jay it can just be our thing for now"

"I don't know anything about all of it right now , like hell he's attractive but I don't know all that much about him ?", Talking about him makes me blush even at the thought of him and I'm smiling

Ross must have noticed it "He must be attractive if he's making the mighty Matty blush , your like a little diva when it comes to finding relationships"

"Right the thing about that is , I fuck up like a lot so I tend to keep relationships online or to that extent and I just never really see them , I've found plenty of people attractive"

"I mean that's fair, why do you feel the need to keep people pushed away , I don't mean us guys and your family but like say when you meet people your just always sure your gunna mess up so you don't even let them be close". He stops for a second really asking the question, really thinking about what to say

"I don't know Ross , like you said I always just think I'll mess up so if I keep them at bay there not gunna be upset when I inevitably do mess up they won't care". Really thinking about it I've never very often been with people from around here , online relationships are just easier to deal with and when I mess up they don't feel that upset as it would if I messed up right in front of them.

"You know your far cooler and understanding than you let yourself believe just give yourself a try Matty honestly your an amazing guy trust me". Hugging me close before he goes into his , leaving me with his words of wisdom for the day "see ya later Matty"

"See ya Rosso" . I spend the rest of the journey home it's only about five minutes just thinking about what he said.