Maybe2013 - Blog Posts

So, much

There is so much that needs to be mentioned. That is, of course, if anything truly needs to be mentioned on Tumblr. How cynically cliche of me. Addiction is such an ongoing vile, forlorn disease, as they say. Whether I’m sober or not the misery of it all never truly fades. I’ve done some things I never thought I’d consider in my darkest nightmares and the truth is in that moment it seemed like I had no choice but to hold my breath and put one foot in front of the other. That’s all there is worth saying. Jessie, my boyfriend, is the only thing in my life that has given me a glimpse of hope in things to come. I don’t know who or where I would be without him. He’s been staying with me therefor making closing my eyes on these cold nights possible, or so it seems. As miserable as I may sound every step I take with his hand in mine takes me one step closer to creating the life I pray I’ll one day have. Thank you. I love you. After several attempts in contacting me, Brandon has managed to put himself back into my life. He had asked me to come see him for a couple of weeks so finally after talking to Jessie about it I agreed to meeting him. It always starts the same way, too. He brings up the way our relationship ended then proceeds to ask me if I was given the chance again would I give him/us one last go. My response this time explained that even though I’m no happy with who I am or what my life is I couldn’t be happier with the man in my life. I’m sure there are certain things in my life that would have probably turned out in someway more positive or at least tolerable but in the long run I honestly don’t think it would’ve been worth it. He went on to tell me he’s still in love with me and would like to try again if at all possible. He had me download some sort of application that would allow us to talk without his psycho girlfriend from finding out (she checks the phone bill every month and calls any number that is unfamiliar). I didn’t directly answer his question about trying again although I’m not all that sure why. Perhaps, in the hidden places of my heart I was deceived, thinking it could be possible to find some level of happiness in doing so; if only for an instant. I’m pretty sure though I was only thinking all this because of what I always imagined we would be not necessarily because I actually thought I would genuinely be happy or content. My response lingered also because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wouldn’t be open to the thought of trying it. After all, he was my first love and there will always be a part of me that he has taken that I will never get back; a place in my heart unfortunately reserved for him. In the end I’ve found the man of my wildest dreams. A man that didn’t exist up until a year ago. A man that picked up the shredded pieces Brandon left me with and made something beautiful and capable of a love that can’t be defined. Cliches aside, I’ve found something in Jessie I can no longer live without and I thank my God for that with every breath He blesses me with. I love you, I love you.

not worth the glance,

Seriously, ha. I don’t log on as much as I used to. I just don’t seem to have the time, really. I would like to post an update, for memory’s sake, if nothing else. Some much as changes but so much as stayed the same. I can hardly ever remember what I’ve already posted about so forgive me if this gets repetitive. It’s been about a month since I got out of rehab. It was a terrible experience to say the least. I was only able to stay a week because I don’t have insurance. I didn’t even make it that long though. On day six they sent me to a mental hospital and it was there that Jess, my boyfriend picked me up. I suppose they thought my mental state made me a danger to myself and others? Whatever the reason I was transported two hours back to Nashville and once there I refused to be admitted and had Jess come get me. My parents were gracious enough to allow me to stay at home until I find a job, which has been much harder than I thought it would be. I do have an interview tomorrow, though. I was hoping to get away from the restaurant business but I need a job so I am more than grateful for the opportunity. Jessie got a job today! I am so proud of him. It’s at a granite shop he used to work at making 15$+ an hour. The shop opens in a week or so then we will be back on our feet! I just got off the phone with him, actually. He said he’s especially happy about this job because it’s making enough to where we can get married this calendar year, or at least engaged. That really made me happy. I love when he brings our future up. It shows me that he really wants me in his life. I know he does, but reassurance always feels nice. Right now he’s not allowed at my house and I’m not allowed at his. His mother feels it is unhealthy for us to spend time together. That no longer matters though, because she kicked him out three days ago. They were arguing and he said “it’s shit like this that makes me want to use, mom”, she took that as him saying she is why he used so she immediately told him to leave. I was outside waiting for him and she followed him out the door yelling. So I yelled back, “Stop, we’re leaving!” She then tried to attack me. No, seriously. Jess was holding her back so she started choking him. It was the craziest mother/offspring fight I have ever been around. I thought I had seen some shit with Destiny’s mother but she just overreacted because of the love she had for her daughter. Shona, Jess’ mother, is just fucking insane and frankly, lucky I respect Jess enough not to flip my shit in front of his mother. I swear, I’m getting pissed off just thinking about how that woman treats her children. Needless to say, he’s staying with a buddy of ours until he gets his first check and can rent a place out. I have such wonderful parents. That is one thing I’ve learned through the years with all my friends/girlfriend/boyfriends parents hating me. My parents may not have liked my friends but they never talked ugly about them or disrespected them. I know they love me so much. They kicked me out right before I went to rehab and honestly that probably saved my life. I know it was terribly hard for them to do but they loved me so much they were willing to break their own hearts in a desperate attempt to save mine. After everything I’ve put them through it amazes me how much they still love me, and continue to show me love. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to somehow renew the happiness my parents once knew together. It really upsets me to know how unhappy they are. In fact, I’d rather not talk about it. There is so much I miss from the life I used to live. I miss when hangovers were the worst thing that could happen to me if I got fucked up. When I was getting dope sick every single day, all I could think about was how I wished I was a normal 21 year old out partying, drinking, dancing not fucking shooting dope praying I had a get well shot for the next morning. I miss having money, saving money. I miss going shopping, going out to eat with friends, all that normal shit. I miss Destiny. I miss sleepovers. With that said, now that I’m clean and done with all the dope shit there are things in my life now that I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t fall so far away. Like, the friends I’ve met in meetings, and as ignorant as it sounds, the knowledge/maturity going through all that shit has given me. It forced me to grow up way too quickly. I can’t dwell on that because no matter how upset I get, I will never get that time back. All I can do is look forward to tomorrow and be thankful I wake up feeling somewhat normal, instead of needing a shot to even drive my damn car to get to work, much less actually work. I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that in the morning I can roll out of bed, take a deep breath, and just be me. By no means am I happy, there is still so much work I have to do on myself to restore any kind of mental stability but I can rest assured that at least now I have the chance to do so.

six

I’ve found that although it’s the truth that burns sliding from your tongue to your lips, it is often the only way you can really breathe again. I would rather be told the truth and work past it than be fed lies and spend years building on such a faulty foundation. Often times though, I can feel it in the way they say it that I know something isn’t right but I try not to get confrontational without any sound evidence. And even then sometimes I’m too much of a coward to bring up the lie because the truth is usually hidden for a reason. I know that it’s time that changes. I know that if nothing else the lies aren’t right. I can’t say if anything else is wrong or right in our relationship but I do know lying doesn’t really have many exceptions. I’m really sick of staying up waiting for hin to call, wondering what it is he’s still doing at 1:30 am that he can’t pull away to tell me he loves me and he’s okay. It hurts so much to admit these things to you because that means I have to admit I’ve always known something was wrong. I don’t know how he does it but when he finally does call me anything that comes out of his mouth sounds like music. His excuses suddenly make more sense than my rationality.  At least I can say I get off the phone feeling better even if it is just a false sense of emotional security. I met with my sponsor today. She’s so beautiful. She’s from north Ireland and her accent is beautiful. She’s smart too, of course. She’s an alcoholic but enjoyed cocaine in large quantities as well. I do my very best to relate to what she says but alcohol was never really my problem. It might have shown me that I can feel alive with a little help.  But sometimes I feel like alcoholics never to go to the great lengths I did to get their drug of choice. However I’ve run out of excuses to keep living so I became willing to do whatever it takes to feel better. My sister graduated tonight. She was really self conscious about it because she’s a student of 2013 but her tassle said 2014. She was grumpy all day. All the attention should have been on her but there are three of us and you can’t put too much pressure on parents for handling things the right way.  She will learn that. She will learn, a lot. Hopefully not too much, and not the way I had to learn. I pray she can learn from the mistakes of my brother and I who have done this all before. I feel confident in saying she doesn’t have the addict gene and I can only pray she stays on the right medication and continues to improve. Phases, the halfway house I relapsed in called me tonight. The house manager, Julia, said that some if the girls had been petitioning her about me coming back. She said that she thought about it and she wants me to come back. I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I was going to go to Foot Prints. You can still have your phone the first 30 days until 6 and guys can pick you up and drop you off or anything you want really. I had grown to love the women at Phases, though. It’s all a shot storm of catch 22s’.  Heaven help me.

puppet

My day has been rather monotonous.  My mother informed me that her and my father have decided that I don’t get my car until I have 90 days clean. It sounds like bullshit to me because there are so many reasons as to why having my car in the near future would help my recovery. I could go to my own meetings, get a better job, and have the immediate opportunity to leave a situation if I feel uncomfortable. I hate the way they’re going about this shit. They make me feel like I have no control like a fucking puppet. Instead of letting me get clean because I want to they are doing everything in their power to squeeze me into making the decision they think is best. Like, for example, saying if I don’t go to this certain halfway house they won’t help with rent anymore, or saying I can’t have my car until I have 90 days so that ultimately I have to stay clean if I ever want to move forward in life. Now I know that’s true and I’d stay clean regardless but I want to be in control of that. I want to make the decision for myself and not have them pulling strings until I do it the way they think I should. Now, I know they’re just doing what they think is best and only because they love me. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do to change the way they’re running my life. That’s why it bothers me, too. One of the perks to getting clean is having  control of your life but I don’t get that. It makes me feel so hopeless without the slightest opportunity to think for myself because it doesn’t matter what they think my parents are doing their very best to make sure I only act of their thoughts. I’ve realized that even though I keep gaining sober mail friends, it’s almost always going to end the same way. They start listening to your bullshit and hear you cry but in a few weeks time after they see that they’ve gained your friendship if that’s even what they’re calling it, they’re no longer so concerned with what’s on your mind. I really enjoy talking to Wesley but he’s become rather apathetic to my little issues. It could be because most of the time I call crying it’s over something I’ve already cried to him about before.  I can say that it doesn’t matter how many times a friend calls me upset about the same thing I am still there with the same love and patience as I was for the first phone call.  However, I can’t expect everyone to feel the same way about how you should treat your friends as I do. And it’s not like he’s just ugh fuck I’ve heard this before he just doesn’t seem to be as interested in making sure I feel better once the conversation is over. My boyfriend (or lack there of) and I had a bit of a better day. I am really hard on him and I always realize that the next day you know that I had acted a fool so I apologize to him. The I wonder why he doesn’t like talking on the phone as much as he used to.  I also have to take into account that this is just as hard if not harder for him as it is to me. I’m locked up and can’t see him but he’s out in the world able to do whatever he wants except see me which is what we both want most. It’s easier for me because I know I can’t see him or anyone unless I sneak around but he doesn’t understand that so he gets in his head thinking I just don’t want to try to see him. We also keep missing each other. On the days I can make something work so we can see each other, he can’t. And vice versa, you know because his mother still hates me.  And now I find out I won’t have a vehicle for three months which means it will be hard on us for another 3 months rather than one month because that’s what my parents had told me originally I’m sure the thought crosses his mind just like it does mine, are we going to be able to make it through this? But I just remind myself that if it’s meant to be we can make it through anything which I believe we can. I just need to be patient with him. It’s like we’re in a long distance relationship.  I’ve just to relax and remember that if I make it through this we will have such a beautiful life that I’ll look back and laugh at these unfortunate events. I love him so much and I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way about any other man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. We’ve been together for 3 years today. I’m going back to Phases. I called and told her I’d come back if I could keep my phone rather than having it taken again for the first 30 days and she agreed that I can have it until at least 730 so I can handle that for 30 days, I think. And I pray he can too. I know he loves me I just hope it’s enough to carry us through these hard times because it will will be worth it. This post is a mess and scrambled and djeiwbdofoew. Okay, bye.

fuck

The text I was in the process of posting just deleted somehow.  If this is any indication of how the rest of my day is going play out, I’m going back to bed.  Which is funny because I couldn’t if I wanted to considering every morning I work I’m stranded in Madison until the bus comes. I might as well go to work, at least when I’m there I get paid for being miserable. Heaven help me.

I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh.  He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too.  I love you, baby.

MTA 26

I just hopped the bus on Gallatin pike to get to work.  I will get downtown only catch the 12 bus to Nolensville road.  One positive to catching the bus is you get hit on every time you catch a bus.  Some guy just gave me his card with his phone number and room number at the hotel he’s staying at. The old me would’ve jumped at the opportunity not because I was attracted to him but because I’d take him for every dime he had and more than likely succeed.  Today, I need money but not that back and for that I am grateful. I got to hang out with Jess last might. And for those 2 hours everything disappeared.  I didn’t have a care in the world other than not wanting our time together to end but all things must come to and end. I’m just so happy I got to spend that time with him.  He’s my rock whether I like it or not. My boss wants to fire Crissy, my friend that got me the job.  It makes me feel good but also guilty because she’d lose her job and I’d keep mine. That’s all I have to say right now. Eleven days, of course.

peripheral vision

Being that I am in fact a junkie, and perhaps I always will be, I will think about using on daily basis or at least for the first few months, I think.  You know, you can take the needle out of the vein but you can’t stop the vein from flowing to/from my heart.  It’s still rather frightening that I will always be one mistake short of ruining everything I’ve worked for, crushing my parents once again, and counting the breaths I take because deep down I know they’re numbered again. I want more than anything else to rid my mind/body of the suffocating desire to use drugs.  I can’t sincerely say that I will never use or drink again. I can say for the next 24 hours I will not pick up, though even if I have to shorten that oath to an hour. I’m sick of lying and I’m sick of trying and I’m sick of dying. I know that’s not the life I want so why the fuck do I spend the better half of my day mourning the loss of my dearest heroine?  That’s where the disease aspect of my addiction comes in. I am better than the life I was living but I still can’t help but wonder if I am capable of living any other way. That is insane. I was raised better than the obsession I’ve been cursed with. So, it must be a disease because that’s not who I am.  The mental obsession makes you feel sick to your stomach because it’s not a normal human emotion. I got to spend two days with my boyfriend while I was home. I really enjoyed myself and so did he. It’s like it recharged our love for each other. We knew we were in love and that hadn’t changed, we were just having a hard time believing our love was capable of enduring these hard times. But we know now that we will be stronger for it.  The only thing that could stop us is if one of us got in a bad binge again that we couldn’t recover from. Time heals all wounds but you have to be willing to give the wound time to heal and not continuing scratching at it.  I am really happy with him. I’ve only been back at Phases for 3 days and it’s already getting hard again wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with but I do trust him and I’ve got to let go of the jealousy of anyone else getting to spend time with him. He’s not going to cheat on me period, bitches be damned.  We made love all night and it was so beautiful. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else not to mention that he is the best sex I’ve ever had or ever will have. He goes out of his way to make me feel sexy, beautiful, and never ceases to amaze me with the joy he brings in my heart. As corny as this all sounds I’m so in love with him. He is my heart and I am his, you can’t live without your heart. I just pray that my father will eventually accept the love we have for each other. If he makes me choose the right thing is to choose my father but truth be told I would just continue to be with jess behind his back. I love them both so much I’m not willing to live without either one of them. I’m not sure if I mentioned that the halfway house I’ve been staying at, Phases, called and offered to give me another chance.  I said I’d come as kong as I could have my phone and they agreed. But when I got back this program is something like 12 people under. So many people and relapsed and left that there’s hardly anyone left. So is that why she offered for me to come back, because they needed the money? Or was it genuinely because they want me to succeed and want me here as a person as well.  Either way my mother doesn’t want me staying here. She wants me to go to Recovery Community.  And I actually kind of want to go there too.  You can be in a relationship there and your curfew is 10 PM and you get to keep your cell phone and it’s just all around more laid back from what I hear. Now, it could’ve been represented falsely to me because the source that offered that information isn’t exactly reliable. I’m going to call to get put on the waiting list tomorrow and I’ll ask those questions. My job is beginning to be too much. I’m perfectly capable of following a schedule but when you expect me to jump when you says it’s not fair. I make plans or just want to relax on my days off and it never fails that he will call me in. Yesterday I just ignored his calls all day. The night before I did say that if he really needed someone that I would come in but I was naive enough to believe that whoever was scheduled might actually come in. So I slept in and just didn’t answer. I should have because I said I’d come in but I just needed a break. To be honest I’ve just been too depressed to get out of bed since I’ve been back. I’m hoping that’s because I missed a couple days of taking my medication and that it will get better since I’m back on it but I really don’t know. I’m lonely again. My new roommates are older and never home. When I was staying at the main house there was always something going on and someone to talk to.  And my roommates there had gotten to the point to where they enjoyed my company or at least enjoyed laughing at the things I said. My house manager said I needed to spread my wings from the main house. I’m not sure if that because she trusts me more, or if she just doesn’t care if I do well as long as I’m paying rent, or maybe she just thinks I’m happy enough with myself that it doesn’t matter where I’m at and who’s there with me.  Either way this isn’t working out so well. And Idk if another halfway house will fix this funk but it’s worth a try. I fear that perhaps I’m running away from my problems by moving but I just know that something definitely needs to be different if I expect myself to make it further this time. Plus, I’ll get to be with Jess much more. And with that dirt bag Clint tried to take advantage of me and what Crissy got me into and the friends I’ve lost here, I just want to join another circle of recovery. That might be immature but I’m just desperate to be at least content with who I am because I’m just not happy. I love my parents so much it’s insane and that’s the only thing that’s working out. My father isn’t really talking to me because I spent time with Jess (my boyfriend, by the way) but my mother is my best friend again and for that I am grateful. I mean I’m like really grateful I am blessed with the best parents anyone could ever dream of. As a matter of fact it’s actually making me tear up which is okay because it’s motivation to give this sobriety shit a try. I need to do it for myself but if I’m doing it for them I’m at least doing it and I know that eventually I’ll get to where I’m doing it for me again because that’s how it went before I relapsed. And don’t get me wrong. I am so blessed and believe it or not with I take a moment to think I am more grateful than I’ve ever been.