I just got out of school a few days ago and honestly I was so busy that I was only halfway paying attention to what has been going on. First of all ever since that fiasco with bubble, and his phone breaking i honestly thought that something was up with him cause he was just acting weird...sigh I really didn't want to get into this I wanted to just relax and read or catchup on good trouble or something but I guess I'll Ramble instead.
I didn't know per say that he was leaving at first I just noticed he has been much more clingy with his fans than usual. Really pushing the boyfriend idol thing( which is so unhealthy for both him and them but I digress). He the entire rover promotions has just looked so tired and exhuasted to me. For this reason although I bought the album I refused to keep up with the promotions because of how out of it he looked. He lost so much weight( which isn't necessarily a bad thing its how quickly he looses weight and how he binge eats afterwards its just not healthy) he looked so tired and energetically drained. S.m absolutely sucks at promoting him and he takes on the bulk of the creative reins and stress for every album, so I understand his stress but it's how he deals with it. He is very sensitive and emotional but pretends not to be until he just snaps and lets it all out. Honestly as selfish as it is this is why I will check up on him periodically but thats about all I can do when he's like that.. seeing someone run themselves ragged not even caring if one day they won't be able to walk for the sake of their craft is too much.
I know people are angry at people suggesting that he knew he was going to the military and I dont know for sure but I really think he did. He's such an oddball he hints at stuff. And if you don't pay attention to his little hints you'll miss the irony of everything he, had changed his hair color back to black, was wearing a air jordan shirt with wings and said that he'd be right back.( also he never has worn came before and suddenly he's wearing it way more often) I just assumed everyone knew he meant he was going to the army. So when he did another live having to actually say he was going to the army explicitly I think he did it out of wanting to be a good idol. Good celebrities express their emotions to their audience. It was strange to watch cause in a way it was real I do believe he was hurting but how he be acting sometimes its concerning. I really dont think he has another area of his life to express that emotional, goofy, childlike self which is basically the real him. The military regardless of which part you are going to is no place to express that side of yourself. I really dont think it was kai of exo crying cause he can't sing and dance I think it was his inner child crying. He cares about singing and dancing but honestly not as much as he outwardly says he does. I think he would be just as happy acting, it's simply that fans didn't really respond well to his acting. Its not just exo he won't be participating in, it's also modeling, fashion, whatever else he does that people don't know about.. anyway he's been noticably holding onto, clinging too, trying to get back the youth he lost being an aspiring child star/ kpop idol. People forget he has headshots from when he was like 8 or 9 maybe 10. His parents more than simply wanting him to sing and dance wanted him to be famous. Its alot of pressure for a kid and it's also is a tale as old as time his story is different from what you usually hear in kpop, he didn’t just audition and happen to get in he was definitely groomed to be in the industry. He wasn't exactly doing youtube covers but if you weave the story together a lot went into him being Kai it wasn't just oh I wanted an Nintendo but I commend him for saying so dedicated to the little script. He never ever gives anymore information about his family or his career origins than he did at debut (trust me I've checked). But weirdly he offers the story without asking.most idols do not do this they stay as vague as possible. But he always has given info voluntarily that sounds odd and maybe didn't need to be said. Like how he looked so feminine as a child multiple people mistook him as a girl, and how his mother used to curl his hair and when he went shopping for dress clothes with his parents the people would bring out a dress instead.. Perhaps it is something important to him or he is trying to hint at something I'm not sure.
Gender fluidity is a mark of childhood I think he holds onto that part of his life where he didn't have to be what society deems as a man.
Regardless I worry about the kid cause I think he uses his celebrity as a comfort when he feels insecure. Like at least somebody cares about him, the real him. But I really dont think that's healthy.
It also really concerns me how when he's alone and it's quiet( no lights camera action) the first thing that pops into his mind when he's just speaking into the silence is to say he doesn't have any friends. He says he is a friend to other people yet he has no friends. He's so closed off even when he's close to people.
I know nobody wants to be lectured but this is why I'm so cringe and like why? when he sexualizes himself. Cause it's so..outside of his box..he is naturally a sensual person theres no issue with that but he's reserved in public. But he has to use his natural sex appeal to sell sell sell and look I understand, that's the world its disgusting, despicable and a complete product of colonialism (I'll get into that later). When he ripped up that sign of himself shirtless on inkigayo I was not surprised at all.
It's more and more common that sex symbols are coming out and saying how irl they are super shy and reserved. One day my sister was watching the Kardashians and I was like lemme just watch and see what this is about. It actually wasn't bad and I'm now convinved it's actually social commentary in disguise. So this episode Scott asked Kim to accompany him to an acting class and Kim was actually super shy and kinda nervous about having to introduce herself in front of strangers. People fail to realize people even when someone seems out of this world they are still a person. Sometimes dehumanizing someone isn't putting them down but lifting them up too high.
I think the deification of Kai both helped him yet hurt him tremendously. Jongin went from being a bullied kid who did ballet to a handsome upcoming idol to be treated like a demigod. Yet that's just how people looked at him, where was the inner work between that. It most likely didn't happen. Which is why he still has bouts of depression despite having such a successful career.
More than comments and likes and views the kid needs prayers.