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Monkey Winch Gang - Blog Posts

2 months ago

There's no way you can live without the help of your neighbours. Despite the rhetoric coming out of the media, everyone around you wants to pull together in a crisis. They want to be known as a true leader who steps up when needed. They want to have an excuse to use their cool winch.

Yes indeed. Most winches are never used. A Jeep owner buys one, thinking they will be using it to do bad-ass rock climbing up in the mountains. Maybe they'll be able to slowly lower their trucks down the side of a mountain, like the anarchist heroes of the novels they read when they were teenagers. And then it just kind of sits there on the front of the thing, consuming extra fuel, and catching road salt and stray rocks. Never needed. Unless they find themselves the victims of circumstance.

An obvious application of the winch is the stranded car. Someone drives off the edge of the road, gets stuck in the snow? Throw that baby around a tow hook and yank them back onto it. This is satisfying, and helpful, but unimaginative.

Pulling down fascist propaganda? Not a great application of the humble winch. Fascists these days prefer to put their angry screeds on the internet, rather than on billboards and telephone poles. It's extremely difficult to use a winch to pull down the internet. Maybe if you're really good at throwing it through the window of that data centre over there.

If you ask me, the most important use of a winch is yardwork. Ever had to dig out a fence post, or a dead tree? That takes a lot of time. Time which you could be using working on shitty cars. If only someone made an electrically-actuated device for pulling things that could be easily placed around your pile of shitty cars. If only my neighbour had one, and was willing to help me out here, Tederick.


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