A song called Reason to Stay by Drew Ryn is what inspired me to write this.
I wrote this song a while back when I was a teenager, seventeen years old. When I was younger I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had the perfect parents, the perfect siblings, the perfect grandpa, the perfect home, the perfect little town that everyone loved because it was so quaint, but for some reason I was still so sad. I wanted to end it. I wanted to end it all.
One day I finally decided I wanted to go through with it. I decided the last thing I wanted to see was the full moon that was just three days away. The day before Mom had to go work at her shop, Dad was working overtime, our sister was at a friends house doing a school project and our brother was at baseball practice and pizza with the team. Mom left you with me, my three year old baby sister. It was like you knew. You told me in your tiny voice, “Don’t go. Don’t go”, I was confused at what you were talking about. I was just sitting with you, I made no indication of getting up, where was I going?
Then the next night came, after dinner I told Mom I was going to take a walk but as I started walking to the front door you started throwing a tantrum. You were such a good baby, you never did that before. I had never seen you do something like that, you were kicking to get out of Mom’s arms. Everyone was confused. You were kicking, screaming, crying and when Mom put you down, you ran to me and threw your arms around my legs, crying “Don’t go. I don’t want you to go. Don’t leave. Don’t go”. When you cried that, yesterday somehow made sense to me.
You somehow knew. You knew. You, my three year old sister, knew.
I grabbed you in my arms, sat on the floor and broke down in tears. I held you while we both cried. Our family just looked at us, not knowing what happened. Mom asked if I was okay, I just told her I had a bad week and I was going to put you to bed, that she didn’t have to worry about it.
When I walked out of your room you instantly started to cry again. That night you slept in my room, you slept on my chest. I felt your breath on my skin. The next morning I woke up before you, I just layed there staring at you. How could you have known? I never even voiced that I was going to do it. You woke up and looked at me with your big brown puppy-like eyes and asked “You don’t leave?” I kissed your head and told you that I was never gonna think about leaving, ever again.
Now you're sixteen, and you’re my best friend. We tell each other everything. When you were eleven Dad died and I was right there with you, holding you while you cried. When I left home, I called, wrote letters, sent pictures, sent packages, I did everything I could. When our brother and sister left home, I called everyday because I didn’t want you to feel alone. I’m so glad that I get to watch you grow into a beautiful, unique, intelligent, strong woman. I’m glad I got to hug you when you got your learner’s permit, I shouted with you when you got your license. I’m happy I get to talk to you about boys. I smile when we text every day.
Without you, my baby sister Grace, I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have graduated high school, gone to college, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life at that college, I wouldn't be engaged right now. I loved seeing your huge smile and your eyes light up when I asked you to be my maid of honor. You are my best friend, my sister, and my savior. My baby sister Grace, you have no idea what you have given me. You have given me a life. A life full of smiles, laughs, giggles, travels, and lots of love.
I hope you never go through that feeling. I hope that you know you are special. I hope you know that you know deep down, you saved my life.
I love you.
You were my reason to stay, my Gracie Girl.