Again, courtesy of /tg/, it contains rudeness, so it's snipped to hide the nsfw material
A dropship of veteran Sisters of Battle is shot down, and all aboard die. There is a bright white light, and the Sisters find themselves atop a white marble tower with a small fountain in the middle. Blue sky and white clouds surround the tower, but all immediately recognise the Emperor standing before the fountain, arms open wide.
"My faithful servants, you have served me well in countless battles. However, I cannot yet grant you peace, as I sense the taint of men on more than one of you."
The Sisters murmur and look around their number in shock, before the Emperor raises his golden gauntlet and gestures to a young sister, the unit's medicae Sister Velum.
"You. Have you had any congress with a man?" he asks, voice commanding yet gentle. She nods, ashamed.
"Yes. I was treating a wounded Guardsman and... well, I pleasured him with my hand."
The other Sisters are outraged. The accused tries to defend herself, telling of the extra penance she forced upon herself and the countless hours she prayed for forgiveness, but eventually she stops talking, expecting the Emperor's divine wrath. But the Emperor merely gestures to the fountain.
"Fear not, my servant. Your service in life was far greater than your transgression. If you wash your hands in my fountain, your soul will become purified."
The medicae meekly walks to the fountain, all eyes upon her, and washes her hands in the cool water. As she does, white light bathes her and before she can turn to bid farewell to her friends Sister Velum disappears to her reward.
The Emperor looks around the remaining Sisters. "I still sense the taint of men upon this unit." Again, he raises his great golden gauntlet and singles out a Sister, this time the Heavy Flamer wielder Sister Areale.
"And you? Have you had any congress with a man?" the Emperor asks, eyes looking into hers. As before, the sister nods.
"Y-yes, o Divine Emperor... I... I once pleasured a member of your Inquisition... with my breasts..."
The unit once again erupts at this, although not as loud as it had the last time. Sister Areale averts her gaze to the white marble floor before she weeps in shame.
"I... I did not perform as much penance as Sister Velum, a-and my transgression is greater... I am not worthy to stand by your side...” she sobs before awaiting judgement. But once more, the Emperor merely smiles and gestures her forth to the fountain.
“Fear not, child. I know what happened, and the sin is his, not yours. Please stay your tears, for I will not damn you. You have earned my reward. Please, bathe in my fountain and I will give you your reward.”
Sister Areale is humbled by the Emperor’s compassion. Just as meekly as Sister Velum before her, she steps forward and strips of her armour and robes to stand naked before the small fountain. She starts to wash her breasts with the water silently when a commotion breaks out at the back of the unit. All eyes turn to Sister Daphene who is pushing her way through the ranks to stand at the front. The Emperor looks to her with a puzzled expression.
“What is the meaning of this?” he asks her gently. The sister replies huffily.
“If I have to gargle this water, I would rather do it before Sister Lavisa has to wash her arse with it!”
Nik.
As Posted on /tg/
An Ork warboss is sitting in a trench with his horde of boyz behind him, when he hears an Astartes shout from the other side of no-man's land "One Space Marine is worth ten Orks!" Recognizing a challenge when he hears one, the Warboss immediately sends ten eager boyz up and over to make the space marine eat his words. A moment later, the sounds of battle echo across the field, and ends just as quickly without a single Ork returning.
Then the same voice calls out "One Space Marine is worth fifty Orks!" Now a bit miffed, The Boss sends fifty lads to stomp in the challenger's face. Once again, the sounds of combat are heard, the Orkish warcries filling the air, but after a few minutes it dies down and the greenskin attack is completely silenced.
"One Space Marine is worth a HUNDRED Orks!" cries the champion. Utterly furious, the Warboss summons a hundred of his best warriors, taking a while and enlisting a few Grots to help count that high with their fingers, and the warhost charges the Imperial position with a deafening WAAAGH. An epic battle is heard for ten minutes, but much to the boss's frustration, even that peters out until the field is silent once again.
However, this time a single nob crawls back into the Ork trench, and tells him "They cheated, boss! Dere was TWO of 'em!"
...Made me laugh anyway, thanks Anon.
Nik.