Hey man you look like you had a long day, come sit on the couch with me. Oh yeah, just get comfy and relax I know you must be stressed out, here let me massage you a bit. It’s totally not weird I don’t know what you mean, yeah like doesn’t it feel so good when I give you these head scratches, behind your ears too?
Aww you seem like you’re already less tense, do you want a treat? What no man I didn’t say that in a patronizing way, I just mean like a snack. You’re so sensitive haha, anyways before I give you your treat you gotta raise your paw. What I’m not treating you like a dog? I’m just joking around, no need for you to get all mad. Why are you getting up, aww come on sit boy! Oh my god you’re so red, it’s just a joke dude, don’t you want your treat puppy?
Oh my god you’re so dramatic; are you seriously going to have a fit over some stupid joke? I mean if I didn’t think you were red from being mad I would think it’s because you liked this. Yeah you like being talked down to like a fucking dog? Oh yeah keep denying, I totally believe you. Hey come back here, let me just- hey sit still, yeah stop fucking fighting I just need to click this collar into place. Aww you look adorable, are you embarrassed puppy? Stop avoiding eye contact look at me. Dude this is what you are, I don’t care if you protest it, you’re just a pathetic fucking dog.