Severus: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.
Severus: Where's Narcissa?
Bellatrix: Don't worry, I'll find her.
Bellatrix, shouting: Lucius sucks!
Narcissa, distantly: Lucius is the best person ever! Fuck you!
Bellatrix: Found her.
Sirius: I mean. Severus's just standing there now.
Sirius: Waiting for me, I guess.
Sirius: But it's okay, I think he's pretty much settled down.
Remus: Settled down?
Sirius: Well, he only stabbed me once.
Regulus: Truth or dare?
Severus: Truth.
Regulus: How many hours have you slept this week?
Severus:
Severus: Dare.
Regulus: Go to sleep.
Severus: I don't like this game.
Severus: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like-
Regulus: Is it about death?
Severus: No.
Bellatrix: Is it about drugs?
Lucius: Is it about sex?
Severus: NO- it's about happiness and peace and-
Regulus, Bellatrix, and Lucius:
Bellatrix: Hey Severus, Narcissa just broke my seashell lamp.
Severus: Neat. I’m gonna die alone.
Bellatrix: Okay, you win.
James: Severus... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now.
Severus: *muffled* mm hmmm :)
James: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.
Regulus: What did Severus do this time?
Bellatrix: More like WHO did Severus do this time?
Narcissa: What did you two do?
Severus:
Regulus:
Narcissa: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.
Narcissa: What do you call disobeying the law?
The Squad: A hobby.
Narcissa: *crosses her arms*
The Squad: That we do not engage in.
Severus, grinning: I have a knife!
Narcissa: Put it down, Severus.
Severus: Make me! *sprints away*
Narcissa: Hey Severus, do you have any hobbies?
Severus: Swimming..
Narcissa: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Severus: In a pool of self hatred and regret.
Severus: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law abiding citizen.
Severus: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.
Lily: You’re too young to have enemies.
Severus: You don’t even know.
Sirius: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Severus: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
Severus: Look, Bellatrix, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.
Lucius: How the hell are you still alive?
Severus: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.
Regulus: It’s funny how well you and Severus get along. Didn’t he hate you at first?
Lucius: Severus hates everybody at first. It’s his way of reaching out to people.
Narcissa: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Severus does? What if he jumped off a cliff?
Lucius: If Severus were to jump off a cliff, he would have done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Severus jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Narcissa: You jump off a cliff.
Lucius: Gladly, provided Severus did first.
Remus: Ducks are better than rabbits.
James: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks.
Lucius: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey.
James: We’re not talking about flavour, Lucius!
Lucius: Flavour counts!
James: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone?
Regulus: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers! Who’s cozier?
James: Okay, but-
Regulus: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER?
Lucius: Then why don’t we take a rabbit, a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out!
James: BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL, LUCIUS!
Lucius: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT, JAMES!
Remus: I- Jesus-
Severus: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Remus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Severus: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Remus: Is it working?
*I like this one ⤵ too*
Sirius: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Severus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Sirius: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Severus: Is it working?
Bellatrix, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Bellatrix: THERE. Now send it.
Severus:: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
Bellatrix: JUST DO IT!
later
Remus: So what does it say?
James, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
Remus:
James:
Remus: Gross-
* this one ⤵ Generated first and I also find it funny*
Bellatrix, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Bellatrix: THERE. Now send it.
Lucius: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
Bellatrix: JUST DO IT!
later
Regulus: So what does it say?
Severus, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
Regulus:
Severus:
Regulus: Gross-
Remus: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Severus: Your life?
Remus: I- well yes, but-
Sirius with a wand to Severus's head: What happens if I Avada you? Heaven?
Severus: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
Severus: And what do I get out of this?
Lucius: I will give you a galleon.
Severus:: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a galleon!
Lucius: How bout two galleons?
Severus: You got yourself a deal.
Severus: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.
Lucius: ... Your what?
Severus: My friends.
Regulus: Are he's saying “friends”?
Narcissa: I think he's being sarcastic.
Bellatrix: No, no, no, this is delirium, he cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Severus! All of your friends are in this room.
Narcissa: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…
Bellatrix: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Narcissa: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…
Severus: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.
Regulus, turning to Lucius: Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave.
Remus: Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.
Severus: Hello, I’m ‘things’.
Severus: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on.