Shifting Stuff - Blog Posts
The menstrual cycle and letting go
my thoughts and confessions about how periods relates to shifting; nothing is fact
The gel began to warm up against my skin, the blanket covering my chest shielded me from the man giving me the ultrasound. The stick poked at my side, under my breast and then the place where my spleen should have been; I wasn’t born with one. This happens a lot when you come out with a heart defect. The nurse wasn’t looking for a baby but for the beats of my own heart. He sounded embarrassed whenever he told me to move positions or when he left the room, so I could change into a gown. His nature reminded me of when I was in middle school and a boy would agonizingly ask me out because of a dare. After it was done, I peeled the stickers off my body, wiped the gel away, got dressed, and made my way to the room where I was supposed to wait for my doctor. Like usual, the wait was longer than the interaction. She told me everything looked fine, I was healthy, and asked if I was getting regular exercise. After a monotonous conversation about figure skating, my mother's voice chimed in, asking about an IUD.
Several months ago, I was debating getting one to prevent my period. I get very emotional during my period; it’s all very painful. I scripted them to be very light in my realities, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the tough parts. I was wondering why I still wanted to keep it; I notice many don’t. But I noticed that all my life my view on bleeding was that of a burden. I laughed alongside other women who cursed Eve's name, I groaned with my mother whenever she was on hers, and I never considered the reasons for tracking it. I never looked at it in any positive way.
A month or two ago, the feelings it brought were so heavy the moment I stood, I felt every emotion that I had been burying in me the days prior release from my thighs; I was so sore, like I would crumble. I lay down and cried. Then I started to notice that when I bleed I could feel all the things I’ve held onto leave my body, physically and emotionally. It’s when I noticed this I stopped being shameful of my period and started welcoming it. Tiny rant: I realized I had a negative view of my period because of the many men who deemed it as sinful and disgusting; something that women should be ashamed of. I didn’t even realize this, and this is coming from someone who regularly deconstructs societal norms; that's how ingrained it was in my mind..sigh
Before I started regularly shifting, I often held grudges. I never let go of anything anybody ever did to me; good or bad. Now I am not saying that you won’t shift if you do this; I am talking about myself personally. I had heard of the term letting go here and there. In the title of posts I liked to bookmark for later but never actually read, and in Reddit posts about how it changed the way they view shifting. But I never really understood what they were talking about. I had read about this girl who used her dreams to discover her blockages and such, but I didn’t have any intention of working on that. Because frankly, I didn’t think I had any. Ironically, that night I had two dreams about two people wronging me.
One dream was with my biological father, he was very abusive. After his yelling and hitting, I ran away, climbed a highway wall and ended up walking along a dried-out river taking photos along the way. At the end of the dream, I was talking with my mom in the car.
The other dream was with my stepfather. My mother was ignoring me and dismissing the fight. In this dream, I acted like a child alongside him. I was screaming like a toddler, throwing a fit because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. But I had woken up from that dream realizing that they only mattered if I had put my energy into them. The problem was fixed when I didn’t pay mind to it, but it remained when I engaged with it. That's when I got it. Letting go isn’t about forcing yourself to forget–it’s about not engaging. I used to have an opinion on these things, but now they’re just people I once knew. When a thought about them pops up, I don’t fight it or feed into it. I just let it come and go. For me, letting go is refusing to dwell on shit that doesn’t matter. You’re choosing to step into a new reality, so why waste energy on one that doesn't serve you?
It seems to relate, if you think about it in a poetic way. The moment I started understanding what was happening to me during my period, I also understood how my emotions were holding me back. It’s that stage of letting the emotions flow out and then be done with it. Be with them and let them go on their way. I see my period differently than before. I sat on the couch with my mom, it was early, we were the only ones awake. It was when she was talking about how her period came early I interrupted saying I changed my mind; I don’t want an IUD. It’s natural, my body lives by the phases it produces so why would I want to stop it? Now, I felt that stopping it would do more harm than good, like I wouldn’t have the chance to let go of anything. That all of my burdens would be stuck in my thighs feasting on my legs refusing to let me walk. My grudges that stayed in place long before those two dreams prevented me from the best outcome in this reality. When I started putting my energy into better things instead of past events I received an apology and finally parted ways with another.
Whenever I have a negative or positive thought about past grievances I don’t fight or feed into it, I let it come and move on. Don't dwell.
Your account is so beautiful and so poetic, the way you write when you respond to anons sound like handwritten letters for some reason 😭💕 maybe it's because I read them with a soft poetic voice in my head idk but I'm wondering.. When you shift to so many different realities for such long periods of time to escape this current reality, there have been many shifters that said that you could feel big detachment or even more misery when you come back here. I wonder though, when you come back from a shift, especially when you've been in your DR for years.. Does it affect how you experience relationships in the current reality? Have you ever felt detached, or distant from friends, family members, or probably just distant relatives, classmates / co-workers, and etc. ?
And could it be because you outgrown them, (because your soul must definitely feel aged when you have immortality living thousands of lives in the realities in your mind, right?) or could it be that some relationships become unfulfilling? Orr..?
Or have you ever experienced the opposite? And end up being happy seeing close people either because you've missed them or have scripted them into your realities? I'm really curious, as someone who tried to shift just last night as a fun act of self-love and fun place to spend a vacation on another planet 😭😭😭
You are the sweetest, I can't describe how happy your words make me. Thank you so much!!
Whenever I come back It's a feeling of relaxation, or the feeling of being awake in the middle of the night when no one else is. I feel alone but it doesn't bother me. Usually in the moment I’m recounting what happened in my head so I don’t forget about it. I definitely feel more mature, I try to help my mom out as much as I can, force her to do certain things that will help her mental health; I didn't used to do this but now I feel like I can teach her things I didn't know before. She’s a very pessimistic person, it seems like everything that she says is negative and I’ve found that it's hard to relate since I’ve come back. Sometimes I feel out of place but it’s never gotten to the point of misery. I’ve grown up with a lot of anxiety and now that I have experienced what I have I realized I should never feel shame about leaving here.
I shift to experience a different life, I personally don’t script it to be perfect and happy all the time. I want to experience all of it. I‘ve suffered in every reality I’ve been in, including this one and I don’t see it as a bad or good thing. I just see it as something to learn from, so detachment from here is not a problem for me. I do get sad sometimes that I can’t relay what I’ve been through to my family. Sure, I can shift to a reality where they understand the concept and would console me, but a part of me doesn't want to.
I had a child in my Kirasia dr and that's the reason I ended up leaving there. Though I was happy, I didn’t think I was ready. I was sitting on my bed and kind of dissociating in that moment because the thought of raising a whole entire human being scared me. I will go back, maybe re-live my life there and continue on instead of leaving but I don’t know when that moment will come. A couple of months ago In this reality I was sitting on the couch with my mom and baby sister and was so overcome with emotions when I looked at her. I just started to cry, I said it was because she was being cute, a part of it was, but In that moment I was reminded of my own child. Here I’m a couple months from graduating, and there I am a mother.
My relationship with my family has gotten better here though. My step dad apologized to me and I was finally mature enough to have an actual conversation with him. My mom wants me to live with her for a while and tells me I shouldn't have to work myself to death. And I finally cut someone off who I didn’t need anymore; so yes I have outgrown people. I don’t know if these things would have happened if I never shifted. I think after shifting my subconscious reworked itself and that's why those moments happened.
The only detachment I really feel is noticing how immature people are. Before I shifted I tolerated it but now I don’t put any energy into it. I can’t believe I didn’t notice how many grown adults are fucking insane, sorry for the bluntness it’s just crazy seeing how stupid people are. I’m mostly talking about how weird relationships are here, and how some people will find any excuse to be abusive. Not even physically but just mentally. Some of these people aren't even aware of their own actions either - I’m ranting… but I think you get the idea.
When I come back here It's like I've learned a whole new outlook on life and I feel happy to view the world through that lens here. I’ve never felt regret about shifting, someday I’m going to choose not to come back here and I’m fine with that.
These were such good questions and because of your ask you gave me a new idea on what to write about! I’ve been trying to think about what to write about that isn't a storytime so I’m happy I finally have a small Idea.