Thanatophobia - Blog Posts
Thanatophobia Thoughtdump
1. If we are able to worry about it, it means we are alive right now.
2. Don’t try to envision what’s beyond it, unless you’re religious, because it’s physically impossible. Our brains don’t have the capability to imagine it.
3. I try to distract myself with the political world, as it’s much faster-paced and very grounding in how it changes so quickly.
4. Yes, I am terrified, and wondering how everyone else is happy, but then I have to remember that many of us haven’t truly lived yet. Many of us have been resigned to quiet, boring lives by overprotective parents.
5. It mostly hits you the strongest when you’re the least satisfied with your life; when there’s so much you want to achieve but you don’t want the time to pass in order for you to be able to.
6. Life is an A-Z, NOT an A-B.
7. It’s time we went searching for life’s peripheral, rather than just the tunnel.
8. Obligatory the-school-system-has-failed-us: life is prepared until you turn 18 and most children see that as being forever away. I reached 16 and then felt wrong going any further. Education for children is often centred around “don’t do this or you will DIE and it’ll be HORRIBLE” which is fine to prevent a toddler from doing something, but completely forgets that one day that toddler is going to grow up.
9. Today is in its own bubble, and I’m going to try and believe I’m okay.
Some of my story
When I was 8 years old the seeds were planted for my mental issues. By the age of 10 they were truly making themselves known in behavioural difficulties. At 12 I was given counselling for communicational management. When I was 13 that turned into visits to an NHS psychiatrist and psychologist to sort out my depression, anxiety, disordered eating, body image issues and suicidal thoughts.
It took a while but I made it back to feeling good. My anxiety persisted somewhat, but the depression was pretty much gone.
But then, last month, with me being now 17, the anxiety came back in full force worse than it’s ever been before. My doctor even wanted to prescribe me medication. I lost half a stone (7 pounds) in 10 days, lost so much sleep and woke up in cold sweats every night, and I even had to have a blood test to confirm that nothing was wrong.
But the reason for this would have shocked 13 year old me.
It was because I developed a debilitating fear of death and dying. I realised how much I love being alive and how much I haven’t been able to do yet.
I may be afraid, and I may have been miserable for weeks at a time, wondering if I should just quicken up the process (since you can’t be afraid of something that’s already happened, especially not something like that), but it has also inspired me.
I’ve taken up walking (WALKING), both alone and with friends. I even now have a couple of friends I’m going to go walking with every weekend. And, hopefully, soon I should be able to begin enjoying my ballet lessons again.
I’ve also made huge progress with my body image. This month has made me more comfortable with what I’ve been given. Soon, I’ll hopefully be happy again.
Times may be hard, but if you stay with yourself long enough to see the other side of it, you may just surprise yourself.
Recovery is hard, recovery can be slow, but recovery is worth it. It may not be the only time you have to recover but that’s just going to be another chapter.
And this post may be the most ramble-y mess I’ve ever written, but I feel like some people need to hear that they deserve to tell the world their entire story, not just a couple of chapters.
Un
Like my hearts beating there
I put my hands to my ears
In silent noise
The rumble of muscle
My eyes dialate
My mouth is dry
Like im going to die
I wait in anticipation of silence
To wash over a million hearbeats
I close my eyes
But fades of blue so faint, so fucking faint as nothing
Is still something
Im my meditation of death
Death illudes me
And i will never see her coming.
Aeon Flux - Episode 3, Thanatophobia (1995)