There was a little girl. Maybe she was in me; maybe she was me.
But she talked too loud and she hurt and she cried and I didn't know how to make her stop.
So I slapped a hand over her mouth and held it there until she stopped struggling. Until it was quiet.
Maybe it was hate; maybe it was fear. I'm not sure why I did it and I don't know if she's still here.
Sometimes I feel echoes in memories of the person I used to be. The kind that feel like hope and pain and the unknown.
The me that cared so much I couldn't stand it. The feelings clawed at my throat and snubbed hot cigarettes in my eyes.
The emotions that set my limbs to restless and my heart racing until I was so exhausted i'd drop.
The me that was vulnerable. I killed her so I could be stronger, so I could be safe.
I feel distantly that I should mourn her but I can't think of a single thing about her to miss.
Maybe I'm not supposed to find myself in the past. Maybe I'm not going to achieve some mythical closure by carrying this sad corpse around with me. Maybe the best thing I can do is put her to rest an move on.
After all, you can't bring back the dead and I think that applies to yourself most of all.
Something I think about sometimes is that my mental health got better after leaving my ex which looking back on that relationship it was far from being a healthy relationship, they ended up cheating on me, spreading rumors about me at school behind my back and would always try and start fights with me all the time and forced themselves on me, my mental health was at rock bottom and was on the verge of ending it when I was with them but when I left I was a lot happier and I was doing things I actually liked even when my ex was harassing me for being happy, I felt free after leaving them and I need to give myself credit for leaving them
𝓘𝓯 𝓘'𝓶 𝓫𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓽, 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝔀𝓱𝔂 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓴 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓭𝓸 𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓱𝔂 𝓶𝔂 𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓭𝓮𝓬𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓸𝓫𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝔂 𝓮𝔁𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮 ...𝓷𝓸 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓬𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓾𝓻𝓮 𝓸𝓻 𝓿𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓲𝓻 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷. 𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓭𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓲𝓽. 𝓓𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓮𝓷𝓳𝓸𝔂 𝓼𝓮𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓮𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓵𝓭𝓼 𝓸𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭𝓮𝓻? 𝓞𝓻 𝓭𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓯𝓮𝓻 𝓶𝓮 𝓭𝓻𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓻𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓼𝓮𝓪 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓲𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝔂 𝓫𝓸𝓭𝔂 𝓭𝓻𝓪𝓰𝓼 𝓶𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓹𝓮𝓻 𝓭𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓲𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓬𝓮𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓰𝓾𝓲𝓵𝓽, 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽. 𝓞𝓻 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓴 𝓸𝓷 𝓰𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓼 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓮𝓼 𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻-𝓫𝓵𝓪𝔃𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓰𝓵𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼 𝔀𝓱𝓲𝓵𝓮 𝓘 𝓱𝓸𝓵𝓭 𝓸𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓽 𝓼𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓸𝓯 𝓱𝓸𝓹𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝔂 𝓼𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓶𝓲𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓵𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮, 𝓼𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓲𝓽? 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓼𝓸 𝓘 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓲𝓻 𝓽𝓸𝓵𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮, 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓹𝓻𝓪𝔂𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓮𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓪 𝓰𝓸𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓶𝔂 𝔀𝓪𝓲𝓵𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓻, 𝓘 𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓻𝓸𝓴𝓮𝓷 𝓬𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓱𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓵𝓾𝓳𝓪𝓱 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓹𝓵𝓪𝓬𝓮𝓭 𝓲𝓽 𝓸𝓷 𝓪 𝓼𝓲𝓵𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓹𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾. 𝓨𝓮𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓲𝓽 𝓪𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓾𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓵 𝓘'𝓶 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓬𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓼𝓲𝓽 𝓮𝓶𝓹𝓽𝔂 𝓻𝓸𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓻𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸 𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓸 𝔀𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓸𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓼𝓵𝓮𝓮𝓿𝓮 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷. 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮. 𝓘'𝓶 𝓬𝓸𝓵𝓭, 𝓫𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓫𝓵𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓶𝔂 𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓾𝓭𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘 𝓼𝓪𝔂 𝓲𝓷𝓼𝓮𝓷𝓼𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓶𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓾𝓽𝓼𝓹𝓸𝓴𝓮𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓲𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓘 𝓪𝓶 𝓘 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓯𝓮𝓼𝓼, 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪 𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓸 𝓪 𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓻 ,𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓰𝓻𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓮𝓬𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓫𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓪𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷 𝓲𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓭 𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓵𝓸𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓭 𝓰𝓾𝓷, 𝓲𝓽𝓼 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝓮 𝓶𝓮 𝓲𝓯 𝓘 𝓹𝓾𝓵𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓰𝓮𝓻 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓫𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓮𝓿𝓮 𝓶𝓮 𝓲𝓯 𝓘 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓭𝓸 𝓲𝓽 𝔀𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓶𝓮 𝓸𝓷 𝓶𝓮. 𝓓𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝔀𝓱𝔂? 𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓲𝓭𝓷'𝓽 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓫𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 𝓶𝓮; 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓬𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓶𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓯𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓻𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓾𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯. 𝓘 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓪𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓭𝓮𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓮. 𝓘 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓵𝔂 𝓱𝓸𝓹𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 𝓲𝓽, 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽’𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓵.
-𝒲𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒲𝒶𝓈 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝒶𝒾𝓃?