Tw Depressive - Blog Posts

was going thru the feels last night and the universe took it too literally 😭😭😭😭

drawn legit FOUR (4) hours apart.................

Flashback to 2020 (tw depressive rant)

So, I’m pretty tired with myself today…

I’m so fucking lonely here you know?

No one around to talk to, everyone doing their own things?

It’s stupid…

Why can’t I love someone like how I love myself?

Am I that fucking insane to do something like that?

I guess I am…

I’m so fucking lonely…

I don’t hang out with many people anymore because of COVID….

I miss my old friends so much that I forget I even exist…

I think about people all the time that I become a completely different person.

It’s stupid.

It’s dumb.

It’s crazy what you do for love.

I know you will all be reading this and think, “What the fuck is this shit?”

I don’t know what I am either…

I’m just the chaos and the calm…

The sun and the moon…

Forward and backwards….

I’m everything people want to be and don’t want to be…

I’m the person that could help you or hurt you….

I am the person that talks to everyone or stays in the shadows…

I am myself…

I am not myself…

I am something I’m not…

Something not human…

Something not myself…

What even am I?

Why am I here?

Why do I even exist?

I don’t need to exist… at all!

Fuck me! I don’t give a shit!

Leave me alone for once!!!

I hate myself so fucking much!!!

I’m worthless!

I’m nothing.

I’m nothing without her.

I’m nothing without him.

I’m nothing without them.

I’m nothing.

I am nothing to no one…

And now I'm done with this...

This mask of a smile I've worn for so long...

It's gone...

The mask of happiness for my friends and families to see...

For the happiness I've falsely felt for an enternity...

Slam my fist in the wall.

Throw some shit and give me a call.

I'll scream at you for however long I feel like.

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

Are you bleeding like me?

Are you hiding behind a mask like me?

A mask like mine?

Are you here?

Are you surrounded by your own peers?

Are you looked down on or looked up to?

Are you still trying to be the version of yourself everyone thought you were a year ago?

Are you still faking those smiles?

Are you burning the horrible memories, that made no one trust you anymore?

Are you lying to people that don't deserve it?

Can you stop, cause I am far too gone?!

I need to stop and listen.

I need to do this, evenly.

I am a giant wave crashing into the shore line.

I am myself.

I am not.

I am the calm and the chaos.

I need help, but no one ever listens because, they have their own issues.

They have no time for you, it's true.

Leave them behind and don't go running back to them or they will hurt you more....

Or maybe not...

Maybe they're something more.

Like a soulmate or friend....

Maybe I should reach out to them for help...

Can I reach out for help?

Myself in 2020, not in the right headspace.

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.