tw: existential crisis vibes, school problems, heavy drinking, marital issues, suicidal ideation
my first year of college has said a lot about what’s best for me in my life path. my first semester i spent on campus, came away with a 3.57 GPA and got on the dean’s list. I made a few good friends and got to be responsible for myself. my mental health was a little wrecked, but who hasn’t been feeling that?
my second semester I came home because of COVID, but it destroyed the only mental stability I had. I am walking away with a term GPA of around 1.9; cumulatively that is a GPA a little above a 2.7 (i think). i barely did any work, worrying about my mom’s heavy drinking, my stepdad being away for work all the time, the weird tension in their marriage, and my siblings who obviously are confused. on top of all that the constant criticism from my less immediate family pushed me further into a downward spiral. this is the first time i genuinely believed dying is a better option than doing anything else (i would never attempt anything, but i’m not actively living either).
i’m going to try to apply to other colleges far from here & transfer, but paying for college by myself (and not getting support because fafsa is awful) is just adding to my negative negative spiral. financial insecurity is always a huge hindrance from experiencing anything, and i don’t know what to do anymore.