Ventart - Blog Posts
A little comic I doodled out of a poem I wrote a while ago
“Noise On The Tele” by me.
I’m feeling particularly anxious today. I’ve been through a lot, and maybe it’s just the PTSD, but I honestly feel afraid now that everything is over. There’s static in my head and I just can’t seem to get past the what ifs.
Part of me even feels like I don’t deserve it-- as though I’ve done something to condemn myself to a lifetime of misery. I feel lost. Maybe I hate myself, like I’ve been conditioned to do all of my life.
So I guess this is me, in reference to the song Echo by Gumi (Crusher-P). I’ve struggled most of my life with extreme anxiety-- so maybe I’m just... feeling a valid thought. I’m used to being disappointed as soon as I relax, so I tend to not allow myself to feel happiness. It’s like.... the most damning thing I can do is to feel happy because if I do, I swear it’ll never work out.
But I’ve always been colorblind-- so maybe I just can’t see the vibrancy around me? c:
Ashe.~
I’ve forgotten myself recently
I’ve forgotten myself recently, I lost who I wanted to be. Or maybe I’ve never known who I am.
I know my weaknesses. I’m quiet, tired, soft, gentle, fragile, and an observer of those opposite of that. I yearn to find the confidence that lies in being outspoken, energetic, proud, and stable.
Maybe one day, I’ll find myself.
I’m happy for you
You stop caring and I’m happy for you. I’m not someone worth thinking about anymore really.
I hold a lot of baggage and that’s something you don’t need right now. Or ever.
So I’ll be happy for you because I think being away from me is the best that life will give you.
and I’m a lot, I know. And I’m sorry.
It’s easy to say
It’s easy to say I hope you’ve been well, than calling me up and having a meaningful conversation. It’s easy to say I support you, than showing up on the night of my performance. It’s easy to tell everyone that you know me, than actually knowing how I'm doing that day. It’s easy to say I hope you had a good day, than asking how my day went. It's easy to say I hope you get better, than supporting me on each step of the way. But I'd like to think loving me would be easy.
I wish I was loved by you like the way you loved your loved ones.
I wish I was loved by you like the way you loved your loved ones. And it's funny but I should’ve read the signs, we were never as close as I thought we were. I admired you. I looked up to you. and that's where it stopped. That's where I should've realized that everything would've never been reciprocated.
Fingertips were always barely touching the glass it peered though. And maybe just maybe, I was the object on the other side, surrounded by long panes of glass, unable to escape. Maybe I was meant to be observed by you, but never truly loved by you.
It’s been 8 months now and I haven’t heard a word from you. I hope you know I miss you. But it’s time I stop trying. No more waiting to hear your voice, for invites on nights where I get lonely, on days where it’s rainy & the sun won’t shine. I've had enough. and I hope everything I gave you was enough. Because maybe truly, I’m meant to be alone to be able to finally break down the glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkV5709EG5M