The Chili Plant Made A Deal With Their God To Only Be Consumed By Things That Could Spread Its Seeds

The chili plant made a deal with their God to only be consumed by things that could spread its seeds and fly. The chili received capsaicin, making itself painful to eat for mammals, but not birds, and all was well for the chili.

Then the human shows up, tastes it, and likes the pain. So now there's this flightless fucking mammal eating the chili. Like not even a fruit bat or anything, a flightless fucking mammal chomping on the chili.

What the fucking shit, God, cried the chili, I specifically requested the opposite of this.

Now hold on, wait a moment, replied the God who talks to plants but has no idea what the fuck these apes are going to do next. It might be something cool.

And in a flash of a second, in barely fraction of the time that chili took to develop capsaicin, the humans went from walking across land bridges and rowing little boats across small waters, into building ships that could cross oceans. More humans tasted the chili, and liked the pain. They took the seeds with them, and planted it elsewhere.

See? They spread the seeds.

They're still not flying, said the chili, still feeling insulted and betrayed.

But before the conversation was over, the humans were still not done fucking around and nowhere close to finding out. The ships became machines, and another machine was invented, capable of flight. Now, not only were the humans farming chili on continents far too far away for any of the birds that originally ate it could dream of flying, but the chili flew with them to lands where it could possibly not grow, so that humans over there could also eat it and enjoy the pain.

You see? They spread your seeds and fly.

It doesn't count as keeping a promise if you only manage it by a fucking accident, said the chili, still somewhat insulted. But nonetheless, the chili thrived.

More Posts from Badweatherbartender and Others

5 months ago

Sometimes I think about how and why some people had such a *bad* reaction to the end of Steven Universe, specifically in regards to the Diamonds living.

Sometimes I Think About How And Why Some People Had Such A *bad* Reaction To The End Of Steven Universe,

Even though they no longer are causing harm to others and are able to actually undo some of their previous harm by living, some folks reacted as though this ending was somehow morally suspect. Morally bankrupt, even.

And I think it might be because so many of us were raised on a very specific kind of kids media trope:

Sometimes I Think About How And Why Some People Had Such A *bad* Reaction To The End Of Steven Universe,
Sometimes I Think About How And Why Some People Had Such A *bad* Reaction To The End Of Steven Universe,
Sometimes I Think About How And Why Some People Had Such A *bad* Reaction To The End Of Steven Universe,
Sometimes I Think About How And Why Some People Had Such A *bad* Reaction To The End Of Steven Universe,

They all fall to their deaths.

Disney loves chucking their bad guys off cliffs. And it makes sense- in a moral framework where villains *must* be punished (regardless of whether their death will actually prevent further harm or not), but killing of any kind is morally bad for the hero, the narrative must find a way to kill the villain without the protagonists doing a murder.

It's a moral assumption that a person can *deserve* to die, that it is cosmically just for them to die, that them dying is evidence that the story itself is morally good and correct. Scar *deserves* to die, but it would be bad for Simba to kill him. So....cliff. (edit: yes, cliff then hyenas. But cliff first. Lol.)

Steven Universe, whatever else it's faults, took a step back and said "but if killing people is bad, then people dying is bad", and instead of dropping White Diamond off a cliff, asked "what would actual *restorative*, not punitive, justice look like? What would actual reparations mean here? If the goal is to heal, not just to punish, how do we handle those who have done harm?" And then did that.

Which I think is interesting, and that there was pushback against it is interesting.

It also reminds me of the folks who get very weird about Aang not killing Ozai at the end of Avatar. And like, Ozai still gets chucked in prison, so it doesn't even push back on our cultural ideas of punitive justice *that much.* and still, I've seen people get real mad that the child monk who is the last survivor of a genocide that wiped out his entire pacifist culture didn't do a murder.

6 months ago

been mainlining mythbusters episodes while i work on art stuff and this bit where they attempt to test sneakily entering a building through the air ducts caught me deliriously off guard

7 months ago
I Was Like "Aww A Diglett Themed Don-- Oh"
I Was Like "Aww A Diglett Themed Don-- Oh"
I Was Like "Aww A Diglett Themed Don-- Oh"
I Was Like "Aww A Diglett Themed Don-- Oh"

I was like "Aww a Diglett themed don-- oh"

6 months ago

honestly not to be an annoying 'kids these days' zillenial but i do feel sorry for kids who won't grow up with mythbusters, i don't remember a disturbing amount of my life before i was 15 but you know what i remember? the mild mannered guy with a beret and a walking advertisement for adderall blowing shit up for fun every week

6 months ago

me, explaining liches to my new players: so basically they have to constantly take the souls of people to ensure that they continue to be a lich. like an adobe subscription

barbarian: adobe soulscribtion

2 months ago
I Made A Character Sheet. Free To Use As You Wish, Feel Free To Change Whatever You Want XD Open Source

i made a character sheet. free to use as you wish, feel free to change whatever you want XD open source ass thing. spent all of ~maybe an hour on it.

Credit: the text in the insert-image box comes from this video, and the text for the top three lines (intense, complex, fruity) comes from this post. The actual image was made with the free NBOS character sheet creator, which is a sort of dated but free and solid text-layout sheet maker intended for ttrpg style character sheet creation.

2 years ago

Ok so if we did get what we all wanted, and V found Johnny's body and both of them were able to get out alive in the end, I love to imagine Kerry and Rogue's reaction to the Johnny who's been changed so much by V. Especially Rogue's reaction since her dialogue if V lets Johnny have their body in the end leads me to believe that she thinks Johnny minipulated V into letting him have their body and probably thinks that Johnny can never change.

But V changed Johnny so much. Kerry and Rogue would see a Johnny who is so incredibly determined not to fuck up what he has with V again. He knows he did once, and to his old choom's surprise he owns up to it but he won't be making that mistake again.

Even if he doesn't immediately change the way he treats everyone, Kerry and Rogue would see the difference in how he treats V. He's honest with V. He treats V with respect, never degrading them outside of friendly jabs and never trying to minipulated them. V would be the first person they'd ever seen Johnny treat with real dignity.

And he wouldn't just treat V with dignity, he'd treat himself with more dignity too. V didn't just give him a second chance on life when they put everything on the line to save him, V had given him an entirely new perspective on how his life should be lived. He's not constantly out of his mind drunk or high anymore, he has value in his life being lived consciously and doesn't want to just waste it away constantly chasing the next best high.

I feel like Kerry and Rogue would be genuinely shocked with who Johnny is after V. And they'd be shocked to see who Johnny is when he's around V. Johnny expresses how he's never been as close to someone as he is to V, by a long shot. It seems like he's the type who only lets anyone so close before putting up a wall and pushing them away. But with V, not only can he say one word to make them bust their ass laughing while he sits there with a shit eating grin but Johnny is also genuinely vulnerable with V. V knows pains of Johnny's that neither Rogue nor Kerry knew existed, and it's obvious to them that Johnny isn't afraid to lean on V's comfort if he needs it. He's never been that close to anyone.

Sure, Johnny would still have everything that makes him the corpo-hating smartass rockerboy they know and love but I genuinely think that his relationship with V would make him a whole new person in the eyes of Kerry and Rogue.

2 years ago

tf is up with crowley’s pockets

Tf Is Up With Crowley’s Pockets

HIS HANDS DON’T FIT IN THEM JKDFHSDJKFHS

5 months ago

Playing a spell caster in DnD for the first time and damn y’all really put in a lot of work. I’m used to just hitting shit with my various big sticks and rocks.

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