Jeremy Allen White For Saint Laurent (SS24)

knowing the crowd would be too much for him to jump straight into, nolan grabbed a whiteclaw from the open bar and wandered along the coast. they stood looking out at the horizon, a few hundred yards away from the bustle of beach-goers. he contemplated chugging the drink in hopes of the alcohol to take a quick enough effect to make him ready to be social. he knew lottie would be wondering where he'd run off to, so he tried but the carbonated drink hurt his throat and his coughed up more than half of what he'd wanted to swallow. shaking off what'd splattered on him, nolan was horrified to see that someone had been witness to the whole thing. "looks like i retired the party animal too early." they tried to joke away the embarrassment. // @richardsonlouis

NOLAN BALLAND @ the sunset villa beach party !

everything happened fast and yet slow at the same time. the moment of eye contact was brief, but it struck a cord that rushed their shared memories to the front of his mind. nolan felt a desperation he thought he’d abandoned some time ago.

the aggression in serra’s large response made nolan release her. it was a reflexive movement, as if he'd placed his palm on a hot stove. despite appearing almost helpless, it felt like serra had turned to flame and now nolan had a burned hand.

he thought back to when he last saw her. she’d been unreadable to him. it had discomforted him then since he had believed himself to know her better than she knew herself. hadn’t he freed her? had she wanted to be free of him too?

recognizing the threat of spiraling down a hole they had gone down many times, nolan shook their head violently to bring them back up. his hand still burned from the contact. “okay. fine.” he said curtly. his lips pursed as he watched her walk away. nolan did his best to believe she would do as she said and meet him at the beach.

the water was warm on his feet as he paced along the shore. they had hoped the lapsing waves would soothe them, become a sort a sensory distraction, but it was no use. there was no escaping the anxiety and dread of being played for a fool yet again as old questions and worries troubled his mind. it wasn’t until he saw her from yards away did the water actually begin to comfort him.

shoes in hand, nolan walked towards her. “i’m really happy to see you,” he told her once they were close enough to that he was sure she’d hear, unwilling to admit he doubted she’d come. “i just didn’t think i’d see you.. here of all places.”

who: serra and nolan (@bnolan) where: coral cove beach, palmview, florida

they say that the human body will respond to fear in one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. flight has always been serra’s default, but with nolan’s hand around her wrist, escape seems impossible. she’s like a deer in the headlights, her big, doe-like eyes caught in his piercing blue gaze. realizing her mouth is slightly agape, serra swiftly presses her lips together and swallows, throat tight. “get off me!" her words spit like venom as she yanks her arm away and takes a step back to create distance. after a moment, she takes a breath, "please leave me alone." though her words are softer, tears threaten to spill.

anger, betrayal, and a deep sadness consume her. she misses him terribly but no longer trusts him. nolan turned her into a pariah under the guise of "protecting" her-- how does that make sense? but as she stands there questioning his motives, the ache of missing him only grows when she looks into his eyes. she doesn’t owe him any explanation for ghosting, but she can’t help feeling a pang of sympathy, knowing he might be seeking one. nonetheless, this wasn't really the right place to do it. "we can talk, but not here. i'll meet you on the beach in twenty minutes." she says gently, then walks off to gather her thoughts before seeing him again.

if there was one thing nolan could count on, it was lottie being a good sport. he appreciated their deal, though he hadn't been totally transparent with his intentions. yes, it was true he did want to people to see them together. to talk about them, questioning the nature of the pair's relationship. maybe the buzz would become widespread enough to distract any media that might already be looking at him into rumors of nolan ballard having a new beau; replace any other unwanted headlines. if anyone here could, it would be charlotte with her professional ties, after all.

truly though, he wouldn't mind if the gossip stayed local, so long as it reached a specific someone's ears. unsure if he was ready to admit to all of that, nolan decided to ease into it. that way he could always always backtrack and course correct. "just, err, catching up with an old friend. it's been weird being back home and seeing the faces of people i thought i'd never see again," he tells her, looking at her radiant smile, hearing her giggle, it made him relax some. "you seem to be having a great time, though. and here i thought my absence would make your heart grow fonder and miss me." though it's said in a playful tone, there's a hint of truth to it. nolan would have everyone wrapped around his finger if he could.

(closed event starter: @bnolan )

one drink, two drinks, three drinks more... charlotte had lost count of the minutes or maybe hours that nolan had stepped away along with the amount of drinks she had consumed. she was feeling light, airy, and free as she lounged on one of the chairs. she got bored of the conversations she was a part of but found herself with a bright grin watching what looked like the downfall of many many residents of palm view. "oh look, he finally returned.." she teased as she saw the other finally approaching her. "quick, dont make it obvious, but it looks like yet another break up happening at three o'clock.. or is it six o'clock ??" lottie let out a soft giggle. "anywhoooo.. where did you run off to ? and explain the sour face ??"

#Is this not what happened?!

there were many things for him to regret in life, but nolan always supposed that came with living. it was impossible for things to be perfect all the time, so mistakes were bound to happen. he could not deny that. could he admit to doing wrong in this instance, though? no, not when he watched her displeasure deepen day by day or when he listened to her complaints of the life she felt locked into. so why the anguish over something he stood by?

seeing her now, getting lost in her eyes all over again, nolan knew what it was he truly regretted. he wished he had made clear what he felt for her back then. shown her that what he had done wasn't just for her, but for both of them. he had been confident it would bring them closer together, not make them strangers to the point where he couldn’t even guess what she would say next.

of course they expected whatever she said to hurt. there was no way to avoid it, but when she spoke, a stinging sensation stabbed him in his chest and almost made him keel over.

a familiar panic began to wrap itself around his neck. he swallowed hard, pushing it down to the pit of his stomach. the acid will eat it away, he thought to himself as a bitterness began to fill his mouth. he refused to believe she didn’t want to ever see him again. if she’d been anyone else, he would’ve let the venom brewing in him to escape and return the pain. with serra, so sweet and so delicate in their eyes however, they couldn’t do it. so they swallowed it down again, the lump in their throat growing.

“i don’t think it’s funny,” he was finally able to get out. i think it’s really fucking sick actually, he almost spits out, but he doesn’t want her to run off and disappear again. he wants his explanation, needs it at this point. so he puts on a mask and pretends he’s fine; he knows how to act after all.

it’s when she stops and faces them that the facade begins to slip. they doubt they’re strong enough to keep it on much longer, so they let her have her way (an easy and natural thing for nolan). “okay. fine. not now,” he surrenders before going onto insist it’s not the end of things. “but we have to talk about this. i’ve missed you.. a lot. i know we can be close again if you only understood, so just… take time to talk to me.”

it’s a performance worthy of an academy award. serra walks away composed and confident, as if the entire situation wasn’t freaking her the fuck out, even as unseen tears stream down her face. it’s surreal?

sure, a part of her always knew that nolan would return to palmview, and perhaps on some level, she had been waiting and hoping for this moment. but, it feels too soon, far too soon. she’s not prepared for it, rendered breathless. 

when serra first saw the news, all she wanted to do was hug him, make sure he was okay. but now, it feels more natural to keep her distance. her confidant, her rock, now a stranger. from a distance, she watches him on the beach, the tide tickling his toes. there’s a calming familiarity that overcomes her, as if she’s watching an old video of their shared time back in los angeles, a faint, wistful smile filling her features.

she takes her time to meet him, her mind racing with a million thoughts of what to say, but none of them feeling quite right. now, only a few feet away, their eyes connect– and she had never envied the ghost crab more, wishing she too, could disappear into the sand. 

i’m really happy to see you, he says. is she happy to see him too? she’s unsure. pondering her words carefully, serra continues walking on the path he started. “i didn’t…” she starts, then falters, her eyes meeting his before looking away. “i didn’t…” again, she hesitates. “i didn’t think i even wanted to see you again.” she finally manages, her words coming out clumsily, in typical serra fashion.

“funny how i've ended up here.” she shrugs and chuckles nervously, the reality of living in his hometown just sinking in. “i can’t quite explain it,” she admits, unclear as to whether she’s talking about her arrival in palmview or her exit from los angeles. “—but, do we really have to do this?” she stops them short, her hand briefly finding their shoulder before she turns to face them fully. “you know exactly why i left, nolan. it's just... hard for me to look at you the same way."

biography. connections. navigation.

     [ … ] ❀ you’re not from around here , are you? i figured because you totally just missed { NOLAN BALLARD } walking by. don’t tell me you don’t know who { HE/THEY } is/are ? they kind of look like { JEREMY ALLEN WHITE } and i could be wrong but i think that they might be { 30 } years old right now. they’ve been living in palmview for the last { MONTH }. and i don’t know if anyone has ever told them this before but they kind of remind me of { SHANE } from { THE WHITE LOTUS }. if you stick around the town long enough you might catch them in action working at { X } as an { ACTOR / ACTIVIST }. you see this town isn’t really that big of a place, some folks like to call them the { THE MANNEQUIN } of palmview! they took a liking to the name too after a while, go figure. oh crap, they must have heard me yapping. they’re coming this way. i got to warn you though, rumor has it they can pretty { VAIN } at times. i wouldn’t take it too seriously though, from the times i’ve spoken to them they seemed pretty { GENEROUS } to me. we see each other all the time since they live in that { FOUR BEDROOM } apartment beside me over in { CORAL COVE }. i better leave you to it. it was nice meeting you!

QUICK STATS

name: nolan james ballard nickname(s): n/a gender: nonbinary man pronouns: he/him, they/them age: thirty dob: may 1, 1994 pob: palmview, florida, usa orientation: bisexual residence: apt #1b, harborview residencies, coral cove

APPEARANCE

height: 5’8 build: short and stocky; muscular ethnicity: italian american eye colour: blue hair colour: blonde notable features: ancient face; bright blue eyes style: quiet luxury tattoos: yes piercings: ears pierced, diamond studs

PERSONALITY

positive traits: candid, confident, informed, resolute, active, stylish negative traits: haughty, hostile, condescending, vain compulsive likes: recycling, meal prepping, dry wine, pampering themself, smoking dislikes: leg day, people magazine, fast fashion, dirty counters, mixing lights and darks

CAREER & EDUCATION

current occupation: actor; environmental activist past occupation(s): brand endorsements

HEAD CANNONS

nolan would rather awkwardly carry all his groceries in his arms than ever touch a plastic bag ever again

vegetarian (sometimes vegan) because meat industry is bad for the environment

not the most well-known actor since he ditched hollywood just as his career was taking off to stick to indies and the stage, but film buffs will likely recognize him from a couple of big titles from the 2010s + some cameos here and there, so as long as he's lowkey, people don't often recognize him much less come up to him

big decisions are always ran by his mother, annie. she doesn’t like most of his ideas so she’s contradicts him a lot, putting him in a weird head space whenever he does follow his intuition and go against her input

very much hates public speaking, but fights through his discomfort if it means educating people/communities on why it’s important to care about the planet

if he's not out socializing or working, he'll spend the evening/night at the gym

on top of the apartment he has here, he has a place in los angeles and new york city

     "there's no other reason for me to come if you're not here," nolan replied, his tone flat despite the compliment. he didn't exactly like coming to bars on weeknights, but since returning home, there was little keeping him occupied enough not to wander in. he followed him in, taking a seat at the bar and giving his order to the other bartender. "how long have you been working here?" nolan begins once knox appears to have settled in. small talk could help the evening pass along more swiftly, right?

open starter @ the beach ( coral cove )

caloused digits wrap around the metal door of his jeep as he then pushes it shut , curiousity making his eyebrows raise as he spots the other waiting by the bars entrance . " y'know the bars always open , right ? you dont gotta wait for me to show up for work to go inside . "