Me Holding A Gun To A Mushroom: Tell Me The Name Of God You Fungal Piece Of Shit

Snoozing polar bear, photographed by Martin Gregus Jr for Nat Geo.

Choose a subtly magical item for your adventure:

A sword that never chips or grows blunt

A flint and steel that works first try every time

Boots that are always comfortable, and never fall apart

Socks that never get wet

A cloak that is always the perfect temperature

A bag that can fit a little more than it reasonably should be able to

Arrows that can never be lost or broken

A purse that can never be stolen

A compass that points to the nearest source of drinkable water

Note to vacationing non-Americans: while it’s true that America doesn’t always have the best food culture, the food in our restaurants is really not representative of what most of us eat at home.  The portions at Cheesecake Factory or IHOP are meant to be indulgent, not just “what Americans are used to.”

If you eat at a regular American household, during a regular meal where they’re not going out of their way to impress guests, you probably will not be served twelve pounds of chocolate-covered cream cheese.  Please bear this in mind before writing yet another “omg I can’t believe American food” post.

Something no one tells you when you’re going through a tough time, is that even the smallest people will remember you. They’ll wonder why you haven’t bought food for your dog, where the pictures of your boyfriend went, or why their favourite cashier hasn’t been there for awhile. People notice you. People love you. Even if it’s for your jokes, even if it’s for your patience, even if it’s just seeing you around. People miss you. People love you. People care. 

I’m grateful for everyone who is still here today, no matter how hard it is. 

so i’ve got this really small bathroom spider. i’m talkin super teeny tiny, like micron sized, this dude is naught but a speck of dust. he’s behind the faucet of the sink in there, his webs structured to rely on the faucet and the wall behind it. every time i wash my hands i have to turn the handle some of his foundation rests upon and it makes his web jiggle a bunch and he kinda like scrambles around to stay on it and it’s pretty cute and funny to watch. but then i finish washing my hands and turn the faucet off and it’s fine, he’s back to normal and everything is chill, maybe just a couple strands to fix after he catches his breath. and at first i was gonna post about this and be like “lol poor motherfucker what an incomparably crazy situation that is for him” but then i realized that humans experience earthquakes all the time and i went. ah. hm. We Are All Bathroom Spiders In the House of God, i suppose

for my fellow southern/midwestern USAmericans: ain't it

the japanese “-ne?” particle and the british slang term “innit” serve the same function

a list of “ship tropes” that aren’t really tropes yet per se, but I need them to be

Kind, gentle man+ eldritch monster/horrifying werewolf/scaly abomination/hairy Creature wife

Battle couple whose respective fighting styles are “stealth, silence, precision and cunning” and “walking tank with a gun as big as they are” respectively

Mad scientist+mad scientist in a different branch of science

Regular scientist+actual wizard

Human+ alien and/or robot who is discovering what Emotions are

Lithe, androgynous elf guy+ bearded, hunky dwarf girl

Succubus/incubus and angel, except all the Love and Affection stuff is new to the succubus/incubus and they are adgftbnjgfsfvhjj inside

big, hairy werewolf jock girl+ regular boy who is soft and cute

big, hairy werewolf jock girl+ edgy, chiseled-jaw werewolf guy who kisses her hand and lays his head in her lap

realistic “Alpha male and female” werewolves who just are super affectionate with each other and have a really big, boisterous family

two heavily autistic-coded dragons with completely different hoards which regularly bring one another gifts to go in their hoard

mild-mannered, introverted naturalist+ Bigfoot

very normal atheist+ actual minor god

large orc girl+tiny human girl who is strong, athletic and likes to Fight

superhero’s costume/outfit designer+supervillain’s costume/outfit designer

PhD’s without a braincell’s worth of practical knowledge between them

Sometimes I go through a phase thinking I’m gonna move out of the US but then I look at all the countries I might like to move to in detail and they also have major issues so at the end of the day it’s like yes the US may be a garbage dump but it’s a garbage dump that I understand

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