“I Love You.”

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)

sometimes I just imagine cutting my lip, like dragging the blade across my lower lip. i don't know why, I just do and I'm very very tempted to try it.

1hr ago me was wrong btw

why are we okay recently. well, not okay, but neutral. I'm not overly suicidal or depressed or anything like normal, but just rather nothing, numb, if anything. and I kinda hate it. makes the invalid feeling feel stronger.

"But you were fine 2 seconds ago"

yeah and now im not

"But you said you were getting better"

yeah and now im getting worse

being pissed while suicidal is leading up to a great idea later tonight

“I hate

When you say that you're in love

My chest, it burns

When you then say you've had enough

Like make your mind up before I fuck my life up

Baby, I'm so stressed out”

↓

↓

Screaming at the top of my lungs

"I fucking deserve this"

"Baby was it worth it?"

Guess I wasn't worth shit

we are all born to die right? so is it wrong of me to speed up the process?