Bpd Splitting - Blog Posts
*goes through a hard time*
Me: I must be pretending
*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*
Me: ew I'm too needy and weak
*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*
Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult
Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked
I don't know if this is due to conditioning but these are a few things that trigger my splits wrt to friends coming over to my house (#bpd):-
- people not being thoughtful. for example, if they come over to my house and after eating food, keep the plate on the table and walk away/use their phone thinking someone else will put it in the kitchen and clean it up. pet. peeve. of. the. highest. order. this also includes them not making the bed or even folding the sheets/righting the pillows when they're up (again expecting the host - us - to do it or not even thinking about it); sitting at the table not offering to help out while I get the stuff from the kitchen and after the meal, put it away; not making up the room they used before they leave; and so on
- constantly using their phone while they're over at my house
- not interacting with my family//+not offering to tell them goodbye when they're leaving and just walking to the front door, and me having to prompt them to do so
- when multiple friends are over and I have to do all the work while they're sitting and chilling in the bedroom without coming out to see if I need any assistance/if they can help out etc
- (I live in a joint family system) friends who're overtly annoyed with my kid cousins wanting to spend time with us and ignoring them/acting as if they're a disturbance when they're interested in hanging out with us. you treat my (cousin) sisters like they're an annoyance, I'll tell you off and if you can't accept that, you're not welcome anymore
- never offering to split the money when I'm the one spending, but when it's their money, they bring up splitting the cost
The World of Black & White thinking.
The World of a person with Borderline.
No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.
Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.
Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.
No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.
But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.
But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?
s3xu@al assault really makes you feel like you’re only good for sex and sending nudes and that the only way to make things right with someone is letting them use your body huh hahahshhdbxnd
you don't care you don't care you don't care about me. I told you. I told you and you only acknowledge it with a "oh" before changing topics. what's new. nothing's fucking new cause you don't care about me. you'll respond with the same thing if I told you I'll be bleeding out on the bathroom floor tonight.
its in my head that everyone hates me and will ignore me when I'm in an episode because that's what fucking happened today. i was right im always right about this, it always happens and I know it will happen. they will always ignore me. they don't care, they will always choose each other first before me.
vaguely religious thoughts are back, drop all friends when school is done, break up with partners, (try to) get a job, kill self before 2026.
Screaming at the top of my lungs
"I fucking deserve this"
"Baby was it worth it?"
Guess I wasn't worth shit
can I really call this crying? when all that happens is my eyes well up with water and only one or two tears fall and they don't even make it far before it stops.
wonder how he'd feel if he knew and saw the extent of my cutting and scars.
he should leave me. i don't want to be cared about. (he doesn't care about me anyways, made that clear)
want to commit but I got a thing going on tomorrow, so suicide debate is postponed. (I'm upset for no reason and hating on everyone)
i love how I tell him how I'm more suicidal again recently (I hate the 20th/19th of January) and what does that fuck do? "oh..."
and proceeds to forget about it.
man I just don't fucking matter and everyone continually proves it.
my thoughts when someone says "I love you" is just
ha ha. no, you don't. you just love the idea and perception of me that I have given you. you don't love me.
honestly just getting more and more afraid to ever get into another/new relationship because of this. I'm afraid, I'll be constantly afraid that they'll just suddenly leave one day too. I'll get overly too attached and clingy. on top of my already constantly splitting on people. I'm just fucking afraid now because of him.
I'm taking this as a ghosting/breakup. 4 years to nothing I guess.
all I keep thinking is
fuck you
and
i hate you
shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up
i hate you, I hate you all
i can't get you to understand a single bit. so why bother trying, why dont I just leave again, and not temporarily this time.
Having a fp is so fucking shitty. Just being so dependent on them for every single thing and the jealousy of quite literally fucking everything including the fucking trees that take their carbon dioxide to make oxygen and shit and the needing to be with them constantly and the percieved abandonment all the fucking time and your life depending on them so fucking much more than anything just flr them to not give a shit about you in the slightest no matter how much they say its never going to actually be true or how much they say and its so shitty. Fuck having fps. I just want to fucking hate them and fucking kill myself. Fuck all this shit fuck it fuck it fuck it why do i have to fucking need them when they just leave leave leave thats all they fjcking do just leave and fucking lie!!!