Latest Posts by dysfunctjon - Page 3

I’m such a fucking loser and I’m fucked up beyond the point of recovery I’ll never get better I’m cursed to be this way forever I hate staying up I hate being alive I need to kill myself I need to fucking kill myself im such a worthless fucking retard oh my god I need to get fucking killed so bad oh my god I fucking hate my boyfriend and my life and my “friends” I hate everything I want to die why the fuck can I not fucking die

I am going toblow my head off I need to kill myself I have nobody

I’m literally at a point I don’t know what to do I have nobody I havefucking Novody I have nobody god help me god help me

I don’t know why I try to do anything I am so untalented and fucking retarded and stupid oh my fod I need to die I want to slit my wrists I want to fucking hang my self I hate myself so fucking much I can’t take it I want to kill myself i want to die why haven’t I died yet why am I still here I have no purpose I hate everyone I want to die

I need help so bad I need fucking help I don’t have anybody I’m freaking the fuck o ur I can’t take it anymore I literally cannot fucking take it anymore I need to kill myself I need to fucking end my life I needto kill myself I need to fucking kill myself nobody or nothing will ever help me I am stuck here I am so tormented god please fucking help me please fucking help me please god help me fucking help me please fod I can’t take it please kill me oh my god fucking help me fucking help me please

It is genuinely unbelievable just how fucking putrid and ugly I am. Not only will I never pass but I’m doomed to look and sound like the most hideous girl in the world. Once my boyfriend leaves me I will have nobody, because nobody wants to have or to be with an ugly girl.

I have lost everything. I mean literally fucking everything. I have lost my dearest friends who made me feel alive, I’ve lost my beauty, I’ve lost any interest in anything, I’ve lost my talent, I’ve lost my personality; even my best fucking friend of almost 4 years could care less if I got hit by a fucking car. I am nothing anymore. I am a literal basement dwelling leech. I am an ugly retard. I am hideous and I will never be anything to anybody.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. I remember the code of the gun safe and I am planning to write a pretty lengthy note. I’m going to paint the fucking walls with my goddamn brain matter. I can’t handle living like this. I can’t be miserable like this anymore. No matter how good things seem, it will never be meant for me. It will never be directed toward me. Nothing matters. I will end up kicked out of this house with nobody to go to, get hooked on hard drugs and overdose in the city of Lancaster Pennsylvania.

Even when I die I will be mocked at the hands of people who will be worth more than me when they die. I will always be a laughingstock. My tombstone will have my real name on it. I won’t be remembered for anything besides my mother’s mistake, and a troubled, retarded, embarrassing, mentally stunted girl.

I am miserable. I hate myself. I do not look in mirrors anymore and I don’t take pictures of myself because I am so fucking ugly. I am ashamed Everytime I go into public and dressing up will never cover up how disgusting and deformed I look. I want to rip my face off so nobody can recognize who I am. Everyone who sees me are shocked that somebody so hideous could ever have the bravery to go outside and pretend to be function-able when everyone can clearly see through me. I am so ashamed of myself. I’m guilty and disgusting. I hate myself

I’m tired of people telling me it will be okay. As if I’m some sort of martyr for going through trauma I didn’t ask for. I’m tired of it defining who I am. I am tired of complaining about it. I am tired of being told how strong I am, how I can handle it and have dealt with these things before. In that case is my life worth living knowing there will never be a set time in my life where I’m happy? Where my entire world can flip around and switch on my own brain and then I’m stuck discovering ways to kill myself for months? This is the lowest I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I can keep going lower, but yet again, I get proven wrong every time I wake up. It is sick. This shit is sick. I sincerely don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like a mirror shattering and millions of shards scatter across the ground and I am then demanded to fix it and piece it back together. There are so many cuts on my hands and the glass rests itself in there while I attempt to fix something completely unsalvageable. I am far gone, and completely incapable of saving. I have no personality, interests, hobbies, talents, looks, or anything. I don’t feel anything. I am genuinely a walking skeleton with decently working organs with no purpose other than to showcase people what you should not aspire to be. I am barely alive. Im conscious, but there is nothing there. I am yelled at and scolded inside of my own brain. There are so many unrecognizable people and unfamiliar voices in my brain telling me how bad they wish I was dead. I’ve been hearing this shit forever. I don’t know why I have not gathered the courage to do it. I’m scared because I don’t know if there’s anything after this, meaning there is genuinely no escape for me. The fact that I’ve been in deadly situations yet I’m still alive makes me feel as if this is God’s personal purgatory for me. I can’t succeed in killing myself, getting into car accidents, almost having my house destroyed, violence, or anything because God will always find a way to keep me here to torment me forever. I will lose no matter what I do. I want to die. I’m so tired of existing. Even the good things that happen to me never completely satisfy me because I’m such an ungrateful brat. I don’t even have the right to complain about most of this because I have all of my answers in front of my face yet I don’t take them. Now that’s another problem. I don’t know why I can’t push myself to do it. Is it because I’m comfortable here? I feel the opposite. I feel miserable and from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep I think about just how great it would be if I died. I have prayed to God to kill me off. I have prayed to deities to kill me while I sleep, or to kill me in any way they see fit. They’re keeping me alive to progress forward, only to rip away everything again in the future. I don’t know who to believe, to rely on, to trust, or to support. I’m so tired of needing to go through this all. I know life is hard, that life changes both negatively and positively, but it feels like I’ve been on a downward slope heading straight down to hell. I was doomed before my mother even birthed me. I will always hate her for not throwing herself down a flight of stairs to kill me. I will always hate her for not getting an abortion. I will always hate her for not strangling me in my sleep when I was a child. I will always hate her and my father for forming me into this amalgamation of a human being, if you can even call me one. I am nothing. I am complete, utter garbage compared to everyone else. I am worthless. I don’t know what makes me happy anymore, I don’t know what I like, I don’t know who I am. My brain eats itself everyday. My heart gets less functioning everyday. My liver begs me to stop drinking because truthfully, it doesn’t even help me cope anymore. Nothing does. Not art, not music, not self harming, not smoking, not drinking, nothing. Am I doing this to myself? I don’t even know. I’m not here most of the time. I am off somewhere unfamiliar and I don’t know where that place is.

There’s never a moment of silence in my head, and it’s always rapidly spiraling and going so many miles per hour I don’t know what to believe anymore. I have gotten so desperate and I’m need of help that I’ve reached out to God on so many different occasions and I think all he does is listen and laugh at me. I don’t know what I have done in this life or the last that has made me a complete embarrassment to society. I am in the process of isolating away from everyone because I can’t trust them anymore. I don’t like anybody anymore. Not even the people that make me the happiest do that anymore. It hurts. I am lost. I have been so fucking depressed that I don’t even think depression is the right word. I wish that I was killed off every single day. I have written so many suicide notes and they rest dormant in my beside drawer where all of my blades and empty alcohol bottles are. This is a cry for help. I’ve tried everything and it seems like there is nothing I can do anymore. It makes me feel sick. I wish that I could feel normal. I don’t know what to do, or how to get myself to care about anything anymore. I’m so miserable.

I can’t stop relapsing I just want to fucking die man

It genuinely hurts to live

Everyone is watching and reading but not helping I could set myself in fire and people would love it I just want to fucking did I CANT fucking do this I repent I fucking repent I repent I don’t know what to do I’m scared just can’t take this shit anymore I just need to get the fuck out of here please help somebody help please just can’t somebody help me please I can’t I’m sorry I am sorry

I don’t know what I’m gonna do or how to get out I don’t know I’m so scared I think I’m in psychosis just don’t know but I’m in Hell I’m in fucking Hell I’m in purgatory I don’t know what it is but I’ve had so many chances I could’ve died but i wasn’t taken out because he wants me here to make me suffer there’s no other reason I’m alive he’s purposely doing this TK me he’s purposely fucking doing this to me he hates me and I don’t know why I don’t want god to hate me just just want to be a good person but I’m not I don’t know how I could ever make him foggiveme fuck man I’m so terrified itfuckjng makes me so upset I can’t do it I can’t

I genuinely believe God isn’t taking me out yet because this is his version of Hell for me which is being but can’t successfully die and purposely he’s dragging me through all of this pain and forcing me to stay alive because he knows I want out he won’t let me out he hates me

This is genuinely Hell I’m already in hell and he shaped it to seem like I’m living an individual shitty life no this is a punishment i don’t know what for but I’m scared and nothing I can do will ever let him forgive me and I’m scared I don’t want to be an awful person

I want to be forgiven in general but I just don’t want this anymore ill be a good person if you just let me fucking go on to a different place please I have prayed asking for d**th and nothjng has fucking happened because he knows there’s nothing I hate more than being alive

Fuck I’m cursed I don’t know if this is psychosis I don’t know but I’m genuinely convinced I’m living in Hell and that this is a punishment for something I did long long ago I am genuinely convinced I’m In hell Icant get out of my own brain what am I gonna do

Kill me im so fucking done I’m so done i can’t take it anymore

I need to fucking kill myself

Everything I love is being taken away from me and revealing itself to all be a false sense of security I don’t think I need to be here anymore

I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so dull

I can’t be a functioning adult im so doomed my future is bleak what ma I going to do

I have nothing to lose I don’t feel anything anymore

I think im going to kill myself

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

Makes me so fucking frustrated and upset “oh it could be worse it could be this it could be that” dude shut the actual fuck up you don’t know shit about anything and if you think it’s cuz I can’t take a joke you’re fucking wrong I will literally fucking trauma dump and make this WHOLE conversation uncomfortable

Fucking pieces of shit don’t know Jack shit about what the fuck I’ve been through YOURE all insufferable I don’t know why all my fucking friends are so mean to me it’s stupid ass jokes and not fucking funny

I thought things were okay what’s going on why is this happening

I wish you were normal and stopped making everything a you problem

I’m trying so hard to act normal it genuinely feels awful again like what the actual fuck is going on please don’t hate me I feel weird talking about that whole situation with my friend she just made things so much worse . It makes me feel like everything has come crashing down again . I don’t know why im like this but I am and I just wish that people could see past that because I am more than my mental illnesses I just can’t do it man

I thought things were going okay but I guess not. My friend just told me she feels guilty for talking to me ever since the whole incident happened last week and also my friend right now is acting fucking weird and makes me want to split on him really bad. He isn’t laughing or anything and says he’s tired but he’s acting weird and it’s pissing me off. It’d probably be better if I was just at home.

I just hope I stop feeling this way. I dont want to keep ruining my friendships. I don’t even know why she feels guilty. It’s not her fault im this way!!!! Stop being my friend out of fucking pity!!!!! Be my actual friend!!!!! Stop feeling sorry for me!!!!!!

Being a victim isn’t fucking fun and this shit messes with me every single day. I dont want you to feel bad for me. I just want you to talk to me like a normal person. It’s not my fault I am this way. I want you to see me past my flaws that make me act the way I do anyways. Yet you’re just paying extra attention and that fucking hurts. Please just talk to me normally. Stop being weird towards me.

All of this hurts

You make me fucking hate myself you aren’t a real friend

You wonder why I feel unloved you aren’t even responding to my messages why the fuck are you making me being suicidal your problem why are you making it about you fucking bitch you’ve been so fucking rude about everything for a couple days and im fucking sick of it asshole you make me feel sick to my stomach

If you aren’t mad at me then why the fuck are you ignoring me you dumb piece of shit I fucking hate you I fucking hate you so much if you aren’t mad and worried why aren’t you taking me seriously why the fuck won’t you just speak up like a real fucking man instead of being a fucking pussy you fucking idiot

It is like there’s always something with me and it makes me feel so ashamed. I don’t cause problems on purpose. I don’t act out this way on purpose. I just want help