Latest Posts by dysfunctjon - Page 4

I am empty

I feel sick and anxious im not trying to be a brat or talk against you or anything I just don’t feel okay right now

I need someone to kill me

I am so embarrassed that I made a scene and it’s honestly making all of this so much worse. I feel awful and I never want to show my face again

I am forced to be awake every agonizing second to feel the worst mental pain in existence. I can’t kill myself because there’s such a big chance I will fail. Yet I can’t keep waking up like this anymore. This is limbo. This is my personal Hell. I can’t escape at all. I can’t fucking escape. I can’t leave. I have to be here and I can’t fucking do it anymore yet I am forced to because the alternatives are no better. I’m so fucked. I am so fucked

This can’t be worse than hell. This can’t be any fucking worse than hell. I literally cannot fucking escape no matter how hard I try. I will end up a vegetable for the rest of my life if I try to overdose. I can become extremely severely disfigured if I shoot myself. I can damage my entire body if I hang myself. I can’t win. I can’t escape. This is such a sick fucking joke that I wouldn’t ever wish on my worst enemy.

I feel like im so selfish. I hate this. I don’t want to be messy. I don’t want to be an attention seeker or anything. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t know how to get better or how to inspire myself to get better. What do I Fucking do? I’m so lost. I’m so lost and I don’t know where to go or what to do. I feel so fucking dumb

I don’t think my partner cares about me anymore

I hate this so much I just wish I was fucking normal I feel guilt and shame and embarrassment. And fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. I am so goddamn dumb im a fucking home im so paranoid and feel so fucking awful

I just feel so embarrassed about everything. I don’t know what to do. I hate when people give me this attention because it just makes me feel so helpless. But yet it’s something I complain about. I don’t fuckin know what I want. I don’t know what I want to choose, or what I want to happen, or anything. All I am is fucking confused and chaotic. I am struggling so fucking hard right now and I feel nothing but guilt and shame. I have no other outlet. I’m not trying to get people to feel awful for me or terrible or anything. I want to be left alone yet I want people to hear me and realize that I am fucking struggling man

I just want to go ghost. I want to leave everything behind and just be by myself for the rest of my life. Yet I can’t even fucking do that. I can’t do it. I need someone it seems. It seems i struggle with being by myself. Everything is just so fucking hard. I don’t know what I am going to do. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of consistently going through these intense cycles of emotion. I’m tired of having breakdowns every month. I’m fucking sick of living this way but it just feels like there’s nothing I can do besides give up hope

Suicide is something I am surprised you have never went through. Despite all your hardships in your life, there you are, standing tall and breathing. You’re accepting whatever life throws at you. This is something I will always love about you. Your strength. Your ability to say fuck you to issues that may be a really big deal to you, and to move forward. I wish that I would’ve been more like you.

I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I did just give up. I’m Sorry that I had to disappoint you this way. I’m sorry that I made you feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable with me when I was alive. I know a lot of the choices that I had made were not the best ones, that I made a lot of stupid choices on what to do with myself and who I involved myself with and everything, but I was just trying to escape. I was afraid to come to you because I know a lot of this stuff seems over dramatic, but it’s so real to me mom. It’s so real to me. And I was scared. I shouldn’t of been, but I was. There are so many things that I have not told you about that has spiraled me into these delusions. This isn’t your fault.

I’m sorry that I had made your life so much harder when I was born. I know that we got better as we grew up but I know that I weighed down heavy on you. I was a really big issue. I know that you would’ve preferred to be bothered by me than seeing me gone from your life forever, and im Sorry I’ve decided to make this choice. It isn’t your fault.

I will always forgive you. For every thing you’ve called me, for the years of depression you faced resulting in neglect, for all the arguments we’ve gotten into—every single bad thing that’s happened with us, it is behind me now. I will always love you. There really is nothing you could’ve done to ever make me stop loving you. You were my sunshine during rainy days even if you were the cause of the rain sometimes. You are only human and you make mistakes.

I will love you forever, all mistakes included. I am so lucky that I got the privilege to be your child. I’m so lucky that I was able to grow up with a mother like you. I’m so glad you raised me. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I’d rather have this fucked up life with you instead of having a perfect one with someone else.

I will always love you forever. My love for you will never go away, even into the afterlife. You will always be my best friend. You could never change that no matter what you may have done. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you.

I love you mom. I don’t know where I will be if there is an afterlife, but I hope that one day I can open my eyes and see you again. I hope that you go to Heaven if it’s real, even if that means I will never see you again. Never forget how much I appreciated you. Never forget that I will always love you from my entire being. I won’t leave your side, even in the afterlife. I love you mom. I always will.

I love you.

the fact that my mom is disappointed that I can just never seem to be happy despite everything is honestly something that makes me feel even worse about myself. It is gut wrenching being around her already, but having to part ways will be one of the last hardest things I’ll ever put myself through

I have a limited amount of days before I have to do it. I can’t keep living my life like this.

Many things make me happy but I have to wonder if it’s actually happiness. I feel empty with every single relationship im involved in. I’m not even really sexual that much anymore and unfortunately that says something about me.

At this point I just really give up. I try to find the positives. I think there are actually a lot of positives in my life. I have a great boyfriend, friends, most of the times my parents are good, and a lot of other things. But I can’t have these things forever.

I can’t just be a kid. I can’t just sit in my room and talk to my friends always. I have been robbed of a childhood yet in 8 Monday’s im graduating high school. I have not had a plan for my life because I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do, honestly.

I have 8 more Monday’s (7 after this week) where I have opportunities to do it. I have 2 prescription bottles full of Geodone which is an antipsychotic that can cause Serotonin Syndrome. That is how ill do it. I will mix alcohol with it and maybe some sleeping meds to really seal the deal. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fucking do this anymore.

I don’t know why the fuck I am so unfixable. Why I can just never really be happy. Why I can’t just function normally. Why what I am going through seems to never have an actual answer. What the fuck am I doing here then? Just to suffer for other’s amusement?

I feel guilt. I feel so fucking guilty. I can’t stand seeing people be nice to me about what im going through yet I can’t get enough of it. I feel like such a fucking loser. I feel such shame for having these emotions to the point I don’t even know if I should talk about them anymore. I’m just so sad. It’s so much worse than sad. This situation is just so fucked up. I want to die

I am so unimportant and it hurts. My life is nothing but a sick joke. I’m stuck inside of purgatory. Surely hell can’t be worse than this. I don’t think it can get worse than this. I can’t take it. I have to die. I can’t keep living like this anymore

I love you so much mom and im Sorry I can’t look at you the same anymore. I just want my mom. I just want a normal mom. I just want a normal family.

Tell my mom I love her but fuck her for bringing me into this world when I didn’t fucking ask for this

I don’t want to live anymore dear fucking god just fucking kill me fucking kill me why can’t you fucking idiots just fucking kill me what do I have to do to fucking die. Please fucking blow my head off behead me dismember me set me on fire hang me drown me do fucking something and just kill me. I can’t do this anymore

What’s the point of any of this

Not even the one I love loves me anymore

Please god help me. Please just let me fucking die. I pray for my death every single night and nobody answers me. I don’t know what to do. I am not a person to anyone anymore. I’ve faded out of relevancy. I’m not important to people I care about anymore. I don’t feel loved, or appreciated, or cared for, or anything. I’m just human fucking garbage. I’m such an awful person and I would literally pay someone if they could kill me. I’m losing my mind. I’d save up so much money for someone to kill me. I would let someone kill me for free in any way they’d like just as long as I died. I just want to die. I don’t know why the universe keeps me alive because I don’t fucking belong here. I just want to fucking die. Nothing or nobody is worth living for anymore

Maybe Hell is real but at least me rotting in the flames would be better than what’s happening to me right now

Nobody really loves me anymore. Not even my friends or family or loved ones or partner or fucking anything. I just want to die. I don’t know how to escape this hellish cycle anymore. I don’t know how to be rational or to keep going. There is nothing to live for anymore. I want to kill myself.

I just want to kill myself . I feel like the most weakest most worthless most vulnerable little kid in the entire world. I feel like a helpless child. I feel so worthless. Please just kill me

Borderline ruins my fucking life everyday I actually can’t do this I feel like im just going to breakdown

I don’t know what to do im just so fucking lost

I’m not even happy with my relationships or friendships anymore. I’m just so depressed. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I just can’t live life normally anymore.

I can’t see my loved ones the same anymore. I don’t see them in any sort of negative or positive light. I just see them as strangers. They’re all now strangers to me. My own mother feels like a stranger. I don’t have a family and it fucking hurts so much.

I can’t tell anybody the struggle I go through because they don’t understand or won’t even attempt to. They’re all so selfish. My problems aren’t their’s of course but fuck can’t I at least have some help? Why do I always have to do this shit myself? Why do I have to suffer alone?

I feel so empty. I don’t know if I can pretend to be positive or anything anymore. I’m so tired of this cycle and I can’t keep going. I don’t want to keep going.

Everything is failing. I’m pushing everyone away. Nobody fucking cares about me or loves me anymore. I don’t even know the last time I’ve actually felt loved by someone else, not even my own partner.

I don’t even deserve that love anyways, and I don’t say that in the self pity type of way, but I sincerely believe im just an awful person. I don’t deserve the support or the love that I have.

I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like Everytime it almost gets better it just crashes down and it fucking sucks. It sucks so bad. Nobody fucking understands and nobody cares about me enough to even willingly try to understand. I’m so hurt about everything.

I’ve been distancing myself away from everyone besides one friend of mine, and that’s only because he’s readily available and is okay with me staying the night all the time. And now I have a weird dependency problem, now I feel weird when im not at his house or not around him because I can’t be by myself anymore.

I was by myself yesterday and I cut myself. I cut so deep in my skin that I almost reached the third layer of it. I broke my glasses and now they don’t even fit me anymore, they’re crooked. I broke my guitar stand so now I have to lean my guitar against my wall. I threw so many things, I slammed so many things, I cried until my throat was raw from screaming about how much I want to die in my pillow.

I want to die. I haven’t felt so suicidal in so long. I’m so tired of living. One of these days I’ll make my final posts on here because I can’t keep doing this anymore. I don’t know if anyone is reading these or even following me, honestly, but I’m not doing it for them. I’m just venting because I have never felt so fucking alone in my life. I’m not going to be here much longer

I just feel there is no more genuineness. That you’re just staying because of familiarity and not because you actually love me.

I don’t feel close anymore. I feel we have just gotten so separated and I don’t know how to go forward with the feeling of being unloved or making you feel like you aren’t enough. I just don’t feel like im loved anymore. I feel so sad. What happened? Why do you not like me anymore? Why do you not want to be with me anymore? What did I do to our connection that made it like this? I’m sorry.

I still love you. I don’t want you to leave. But I feel you’re going to so I have braced myself for it by not being active much and being afraid and distant which has probably made you stop liking me. I can’t think of you actually loving me no more. We are so stagnant. What are we doing?

I hate this feeling and I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I just wish you loved me

Please come back to me. Please.

I did everything for you. I was molded into the perfect person for you. God damn i miss you. I miss you so much every day.

Sometimes i delude myself into thinking that we are some sort of angsty trope, the trope where we both want and love each other but can’t have each other so we just mourn while thinking of each other positively. I cannot be more wrong. I have to stop acting like this is what’s happening.

I miss you so much. I want to talk to you one more time—PROPERLY. But even then, I don’t know what the fuck would happen. I think I’d be hurt more.

God, I fucking miss you. You’ve still left such a fucking impact on my heart. I miss you. I miss you so much and sometimes I remember how destroyed I feel when you aren’t present anymore. There are so many things I want to show you. So many things that remind me of you that I want to tell you about. So much new music I’ve found in your favorite genre. So much improvement in me that i truly thought you’d be proud of.

I wish people understood. I talk to my friends about how much I miss you sometimes, but really try to talk lightly as to not annoy anybody. They just don’t understand. They just think it’s a simple “not moving on”. It’s so much worse than that. It’s torment. It’s hell that I still love you so much and I don’t even think you care anymore.

I want to restart everything. I either want to go back in time to prevent meeting you, or go back in time to take things slower and actually do things right. Would it really ever go right, though?

I know in one universe we worked out. I wish I woke up in it sometimes.

I wish we were friends. I know it would be even more terrible than what we had, but I would do anything to just hear your voice again. I miss you so much. And it hurts knowing you don’t miss me. I have to accept it, and I have to learn not to be mad at you for it.

What anyone thinks or feels about me is none of my business. I don’t need to dwell onto what you could possibly be thinking about me, it’s quite pointless. I should be allowed to feel as deeply as I do for you still while also moving on.

I am sorry things went the way they did. I know that I was mentally fucked up, and sincerely not prepared for what was to come. We moved too fast, and while I thought it would be a good idea to get you immediately, it was truly the fear of abandonment and my insecurities. I never meant to drag you into a relationship you weren’t ready for. I wish that you would’ve told me if that was the case.

I know my communication wasn’t the best and I took out my rage onto you when there were times where you really didn’t mean it. There were just some times where it truly didn’t feel as if I was heard. I still shouldn’t have been mean. You were trying your best and that’s all that matters. You handled it well, and you did give me a lot more chances than you should’ve, and I feel I took advantage of that. I am sorry that I acted so immaturely during the relationship and after it.

I couldn’t ever mean those things. I could never, EVER pretend that those evil things I said to you were genuine. I just wanted to hurt you. It’s funny, because I love you so much yet I said shit out of malicious intent that I know cut you deep. I just wish you knew what I felt. I wish the process was gentle. I wish that we didn’t have to feel the same way while going on different paths.

I know we can’t ever have each other again, but I wanted to say thank you for the time you did spend with me. It’s fucked up that we can’t be together. You may not even feel the way I do still, and I suppose I understand. It’s not my business to understand, but to respect your choice and let you do what’s best for YOU, despite how it much it hurts me. You don’t make up my entire person, nor do you own me. I have lived without you before and I can do it again, but that doesn’t mean I want to.

Thank you so much for listening when nobody else would. You really, truly made me feel heard even if the times I split on you said otherwise. It was so enticing teaching you about my life & learning about your culture. Introducing you to music I’m passionate about and you loving it will always be etched into my brain. Smoking cigarettes while you begged me to be careful is a memory that plays often. Hearing you cry because of how much love you had for me still resides in my mind.

You have left an impact on me. I loved our memories, and I still do. Despite if you hate me or not, I hope you know im not mad at you. I still love you. I still wish the best for you. I still wish that you will recover from your self harm addiction, mental illnesses, trauma, suicidal and homicidal ideation, and everything else that may be troubling you. I want you to grow and become a better person. I still have love for you, and you may not have love for me, but that just shows how kind I really am.

I know that you did me wrong but I forgive you. Your actions were fucked up, and they did hurt a lot. I know that I hurt you too, maybe in a different way, but I still affected you. I know that no matter how much love we had or still have for each other, that there just isn’t any reason for us to be together. It hurts so much. But it’s for the best, and I want the best for you. I want the best for me.

One day I will type out my last vent about how much I love you. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you, or that I don’t love you anymore. It means that I am finally in a better place, and hopefully around that time, you are too. I forgive you. I apologize for my terrible actions. You are still a human throughout your flaws and mistakes. I hope that you fix yourself, and that you get to be the very best you possibly can be, whether that journey includes me or not. I love you.