Eggmccmuffin - Eli

Not wanting to eat in front of anyone because it makes you anxious

Vs

Only wanting to eat in front of people so your eating habits look normal

Vs

Wanting everyone to think you don’t eat anything

fuck

I want skinny

I'm going to take this month by the neck and get skinny

I have really been struggling lately so I'm going to kick start it with like tops 1000 calories then when I get that mastered ill go down to 900 for 2/3 days then keep going down until 500 and try keeping that up for as long as I can

When I was 16, I had a fake I.D. and decided to go to a gay bar by myself because some friends bailed on me. While there, an older gentleman bought me a drink. He wasn’t a creeper, and he definitely wasn’t unattractive. I accepted the drink and began talking to him. No big deal. As the hour progressed, I felt myself feeling strange. I mentioned that I felt like I had a headache, and this guy helped guide me out of the bar. As we were walking down the street, the thought of, ‘Oh god, he’s drugged me, I’m going to die’ came to my head. I tried to get away, but I was so drugged up that I could barely walk, let alone speak. It also didn’t help that I had really large ‘goth’ platform shoes because I was going through a phase. Anyway, this guy brought me to his suv and began undressing me. As a final act of defiance, I hit him over the head with my platform shoe. He then punched me, and I remember thinking, ‘Why don’t they ever give workshops to gay guys about being victims of rape too?’ While I was as careful as possible, I never saw the guy slip something in the drink. I even watched the bar tender make the drink. Anyway, I lied there completely paralyzed while this pervert was lubing up. I locked eyes with his for a moment, and that’s when it happened. A very large and angry drag queen opened the door of the vehicle and beat the shit out of my attempted rapist. She and her other drag friends helped dress and care for me while the police arrived. I was saved by a group of guardian drag queens. They were basically the modern day ‘angels from heaven.’

me, to myself: it’s fine if you eat. It’s fine if you mess up and gain a little back. You’re fine, it’ll be a-okay, it’s all good kid.

My ed:

bts eating grapes is family friendly right anyway I gained 4 pounds over this fucking binge filled extended weekend I say I'm going to get back into the groove tomorrow but I have no motivation so I'll probably just gain more weight lolz

Todays mood: Gay and Emotionanal

Anyone get that “my childhood was stolen and it’s not fair” kind of angry

[This is only about childhood abuse ty]

normal people: wow i only ate 1500 cals today how impressive i feel thin!!!

me: OH NO I JUST HAD 800 CALS IM SO FAT UGH IM SUCH A PIG WAIT I GOTTA DO JUMPING JACKS 

My therapist: we need to talk about your childhood

My brain: