Anarexia - Blog Posts

Im suprised I made it this far without bingeing. I ate about 400 calories. I feel starving but full. The only thing us now i cant sleep...

i'm alive *sadly*

I start school again, today. It's 2am AND I'M NOT SLEEPING.

The president had a conference yesterday and he removed our mid-term break, every teen in my country is like:

we're sad, i'm sad.

Minecraft and cartoon network kept me alive.

I'm avoiding social contact since I fucked up my self-steem AGAIN.

And I started wondering what will happen if my girlfriend notices me acting weird, she did last time and:(. I don't want to have a mental breakdown and tell her I have an eating disorder. I don't want tu destroy everything again. I want to be okay but I can't even keep myself okay.

(Day 31??? of quarantine: april 14)

me: *tell my mum i am full*

My ed:

My mum: *leaves the room*

Me: ooo emPANADAS *eats 3*

My brain: thank you

My ed:

Based on a true story

(4:36pm)

some update of what I did yesterday

it was a good day♡

i ate

and i spent 3 hours painting Cavetown's sleepyhead album cover in acrylics.

(That's the actual cover i'm not gonna show my paint 'cause i'm insecure😎👌)

•♡

My girlfriend was all the day doing homework so she wasn't answering all the time, it was perfect 'cause I didn't have to be anxious to reply early.

She said my paint was really cute:'). She's studying arts, so it feels really good.

The only thing that stills annoying me, it's that NOBODY in my house knows the netflix password. And my dad doesn't want to change the password IT DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING SENSE WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT WHEN THE LAST PASSWORD ISN'T WORKING AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE PASSWORD ¿?¿

I'm fat and angry af leT ME WATCH I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS AGAIN AND OITNB OR I'LL CRY.

(Quarantine day 26, april 9)

It's currently 1:23am and i'm not so sleepy but i'll try to sleep. I did slept 6 hours yesterday.

The dumbass is back

Hi, I have a 4.4.4 android so in the middle of 2019 tumblr got an update and i couldn't use the app anymore.

I came back in the quarantine just to see chinese learning things¿¿ I don't know.

I got the app because in my searching of an old version of netflix (i can't use new netflix updates too) i thought that I could use tumblr in an old version too so i'm back for now.

School

I hate school shjshdjdh.

I'm in holy week vacation right now, so i'm not having homework to do. But it was difficult to not stress out with a lot of work to do.

It's like- in the time we were going to school we used to learn something in about 3 days in classes like Social studies, spanish (i'm not supposed to call it like that, but because it is our first language we call it "communication and language"¿¿), etc. And they were sending work to do for THE NEXT DAY. I barely remember what I saw the last week. I do remember math, english and science because two were sending explanations for the homework and science,,, just awful, really, really long if we have in mind that it was for the next day.

Before we got in quarantine, they gave us our grades, and I got 69 in science lol (i'm gonna talk about that in another blog) my grades were pretty meh, english was the higher note, and I got an "i" (for insufficient) in attitude, because I had a mental breakdown in front of the principal. She said it was a "trantum", I couldn't breath, for real, I was choking because I was hiperventilating AND SHE WAS JUST YELLING. My mum came to pick me up but I didn't left the school, and everybody thinks it was my fault.

I'm anxious 'cause if quarantine lasts to a longer time, I'll not be able to know what to do about getting in another school I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SCHOOL TO GO, i'm going to hang myself.

Sweetheart

I got a "girlfriend" and she's so sweet:(. We're not officially dating, but i've been waiting two years and she finally admitted that she likes me.

She's so sweet, she listens to me when i'm sad, and she wasn't angry when I was answering late her messages because of school. SHE EVEN ASKS ME TO TRY GO TO SLEEP, 'cause I can't sleep.

I love her so much, I can't even express it. But i'm so insecure, I don't want to make her feel insecure because of MY insecurities:(.

I can't sleep and that's why i'm in tumblr again.

It's currently 4:31am when i'm writing this, i can't sleep AGAIN. School fucked up my sleeping schedule (going to sleep at 9pm when I was going to school). This days i've been falling asleep between 1-3am. I don't know what happened this day but i'll be awake at least at 2pm.

Ah shit here we go again??

I spent 6 months eating like a pig and i'm thinking of purging AGAIN and I fucking hate it. I don't like it, but I feel so bad with my fucking fat body I don't know what to do i'm like-

And that's my update for now (day 25 of quarantine: april 8)

FUCK 10 FOR 5am I'M FUCKED

I'm-

Me: omG I LOST 3 POUNDS ;_;

My brain: great, next, die

My ed: hOLD A FUCKING SECOND, WHEN, WERE, HOW, WHO, WHAT¿ but you still fat gurl.

Me: -counting how much calories I ate last week and trying to anilize how I lost 3 pounds in a week after bingin' 2 times-

It's 2am, I'm doing exercise, crying, and looking to meanspo;;

bts eating grapes is family friendly right anyway I gained 4 pounds over this fucking binge filled extended weekend I say I'm going to get back into the groove tomorrow but I have no motivation so I'll probably just gain more weight lolz

Me: -Eats 53 calories more than 400-

My ed: bITCH WTF YOU'RE DOING, THAT IS GONNA AFFECT YOUR WEIGHT LATER, thAT'S WHY YOU STILL IN THAT WEIGHT

Me:

Me: -do nothing after binging for 3 days-

My ed: sTARVE YOURSELF

My brain: Don't yoU DARE

Me: -starves-

My brain:

Me: -eat something-

My ed: That had like 10 calories

Me: So?

My ed: yoU aRe gOnnA bE FAT

Me:

My friends: -Threat me with calling my crush if I don't eat-

Me, who don't want crush to know that I have anorexia :

Me: I want to get better:/

My ed: does that mean that you want to be fat?

Me:

me when someone says they have only eaten 500 calories:

Me when I eat only 300-400 calories and that person get angry about that:

A lot in the ana community: o yEAh cofFee YuM yUm iS my fAvorItE meAl

Me, who doesn't like coffee:

(Please tell me I'm not the only one who don't like coffee):

Me: *Binges literally all day*

My ed:

Me at the dinner of my first day of my vacations realizing that I can't fast because my parents and brothers are in vacations too:

/ / / / / / / / español/ / / / / / / /

Yo en la cena de mi primer día de vacaciones dandome cuenta de que no puedo hacer fast porque mis padres y hermanos también están de vacaciones: