August 12

“I’d spent so long trying to fit in, trying to be someone I wasn’t, that I had no idea who I was any more.”

— Dorothy Koomson, The Rose Petal Beach

… I realized I’m an outsider again

I worked so hard to avoid this feeling

But it seems I always isolate myself with my mistakes

I put to much pressure on myself

and my relationships

leaving me to start over and once again,

be alone

- Divine

i am no longer available for things that make me feel like shit

you didn't say goodbye and part of me believes that means you are coming back

The pain is overwhelming and there's nothing I can do or take to stop it. Cutting myself isn't enough.

There’s something so bittersweet about August.

About trying to savour those last little bits of the summer. Of the constant ache in your chest. The sunshine. The uncertainty.

I drive by so many empty childhood homes. They look the same, but there’s a solemn silence. You used to live there, remember that? I do.

The summer is ending. The leaves are changing.

But as always, August comes and goes, and with it so do I.

I embrace it, and I embrace you. Crying, and laughing, and saying goodbye with a smile.

(Maybe) I’ll see you again next year

Sincerely,

A girl homesick for a place she hasn’t left yet

the nightmare will stop only if I fall asleep forever