Gamesthatdontexist - Games That Don't Exist

FELL WOLF

(Two Mouthed Clergyman)

A Monastery unit obtained when using the *Forbidden*. This unit attacks with its hands and can convert enemy units by singing forgotten psalms.

Can carry relics.

This unit has a hero form named Bleydh Du.

When converted by enemy monks, this unit will die.

Happy Slapper ‘93 (Mighty Obnoxious Yellow)

I’d originally planned to do something entirely different for the next cut in my ongoing “music I make on advice from my therapist” series, but as is damn near always the case with me, plans change. The idea to do a speedy oldskool Rotterdam Techno track with some mighty slap bass came to mind as if from a dream at the start of the week, and several hours over the next few days were lost to making it a terrifying reality.

This track is another piece for one of my many, many, many Gonkaka projects; Relentless Riders. An arcade racing/driving game that, were it a real game, would be somewhat Ridge Racer inspired, but with several twists. For starters, there’s no actual opponent vehicles to race against, and the courses aren’t circular; the race is instead against the clock, and the courses are straight shots with a defined beginning and end (so it’s a bit like OutRun in that regard, too). Another major difference is that it has a defined narrative, which I’m going to try my hardest to sum up in brief:

Relentless Riders takes place thousands of years into the future, after a brutal war fought that raged for centuries has left the planet almost completely decimated and the human race in the hundreds. Said war was fought using machines that were able to alter the fabric of reality itself, with every creative and unspeakably cruel way that power could be used and abused explored by those that fought in the war- hence why the planet is in such bad shape. The survivors of the war congregated together and created a safe haven at the most remote point of the planet, vowing to create as utopian a society as possible within their means. As you can imagine, however, resources weren’t exactly in abundance to begin with, and in the years since the colony was established circumstances have only grown more dire. With little hope left, they turn to a legend stating that the original reality warping device- the most powerful of the machines and the one that served as the base for all the others- lays untouched, still operational, in it’s original location; a laboratory at the heart of the only part of the planet untouched by the war, known as “The Vanishing Point”. With this machine’s help, they could undo the damage wrought by millennia of fighting; they could renew the world entirely. Problem is, the Vanishing Point’s location is an incredible distance away- on the complete opposite end of the remaining landmass that the colony was built on. It’s a one way trip, and with no indication that legends are factual, it could all be for naught. Seeing no options left, four volunteers step forward to make the impossible journey- Ayako, Yoshie, Tomoko, and Mariko- working with the few mechanically and scientifically remaining individuals to construct supercars capable of withstanding the hostile world beyond their borders. Each of the drivers have their reasons for volunteering: Ayako, having only known cities made of steel and titanium and beginning to feel burdened by the scientific knowledge that has shaped her life, dreams of experiencing an unsoiled world full of flora and fauna; Yoshie, the sole remaining member of her family, seeks to escape to a happier world where the sorrow she’s known for entire life is a distant memory; Tomoko, a spiritual individual who no longer finds comfort in her belief system and unable to fully believe the legend is true, wants to experience one last burst of freedom and fun before the inevitable end; and Mariko, an eccentric individual who learned quick to use her bizarre nature to try and offer some brevity, knows the machine at the Vanishing Point contains information on the world of the past- including info on a chocolate bar she’s heard many tales of and is desperate to try. Their cars built and their affairs settled, the four drivers depart from the colony with nothing but a small selection of ‘classical music’ from many aeons ago blaring from their speakers, to boost their morale.

… That wasn’t very brief at all, was it?

As for the track itself; it couldn’t possibly be more inspired by Shinji Hosoe’s early work in the ridge racer games if I’d tried, though there’s a touch of the old masters of Rotterdam Techno- Holy Noise, Euromasters, King Dale etc.- in there as well. Whilst older Rotterdam Techno was fast pasted and had its fair share of heavy kicks and quirky samples, the early stages of the genre didn’t quite go to the same extremes as it would in the latter half of the 90s and beyond (this was an age before Speedcore and Extratone, after all). In terms of actual specific songs, this owes itself to Speedster, Speedster Overheat, and though it’s a newer track Rotten 7 [Remix] from the Ridge Racer series, all of which were composed by Hosoe. It’s mostly the former two, what with their Slap Bass Action™, but the bittersweet chords were drawn from the latter a little. The bittersweet angle was a detail I specifically wanted to include; to keep in tandem with the narrative of Relentless Riders, I want the music for the project to have a forlorn tone to it. Not to the point of being morose and miserable, mind, but just enough to tug at the heart strings a bit.

Oh, yeah; why’s it credited to “Mighty Obnoxious Yellow” and not “Gonkaka”? Another of the ideas for RR was to have the race BGMs be assigned to fake acts made up by Gonkaka (aliases for aliases; we’re through the looking glass), though M.O.Y. is actually the name of a project that Gonkaka’s bassist, Takayuki Mitsuyoshi, and their string player/head tech guy Denji Koshiro were in together before Gonkaka formed, wherein they blended electronica with their chosen instrument talents. Hence why the slap bass is off the chain here, and why the violin makes an appearance at a few points. The name and general idea are a reference to Oriental Magnetic Yellow, the name of a Yellow Magic Orchestra cover/parody band formed by Shinji Hosoe, Nobuyoshi Sano, Takayuki Aihara, and Hiroto Sasaki that they worked on between soundtrack gigs. The title of the song is a two-pronged pun; “Happy Slapping” was the name of a 'fad’ from my secondary school days wherein you would suddenly slap someone, usually from behind, yell “HAPPY SLAP” as you did it, and some other dickhead would film the whole affair on their phone. And, as well established, the song’s got mad slap bass in it ayyy.

Why yes, I DO think through this shit so thoroughly for pretty much my sole enjoyment, how did you know?

As a fun bonus, I’ve included some early character design concepts for the four riders: these were drawn about three years ago, and desperately need updating, but hey ho!

alternate universe late 90′s arcade game ideas: the beat-em-up classic Dynamite Deka aka Die Hard Arcade but instead based on the Fifth Element with Korben Dallas and Leeloo as the 2 players. Ruby Rhod is an unlockable character (once you get to Fhloston Paradise) who uses that “bzzz BZZZZZZZ” line (when he wants everyone to get away from him) to launch opponents across the stage. if the game is a success Sega will further develop “Crazy Fifth Element Flying Taxi” with Cheb Khaled instead of The Offspring, McDonald’s instead of KFCs for fare destinations. we missed out on some potential hits yall.

Apple Quest Monsters DX is now available in digital form!

Just over 100 pages containing 85 lovingly crafted monsters, a map, photos and more! https://splendidland.itch.io/apple-quest-monsters-dx

You can buy a print version too! https://splendidland.bigcartel.com/product/apple-quest-monsters-dx

2018

Hoagie's Revenge

I was trying to take photos of my new Jigoku Engine cart and got some nice ones, but I THINK I accidentally summoned Satan

Video game titles created by a neural network trained on 146,000 games:

Conquestress (1981, Data East) (Arcade)

Deep Golf (1985, Siny Computer Entertainment) (MS-DOS)

Brain Robot Slam (1984, Gremlin Graphics) (Apple IIe)

King of Death 2: The Search of the Dog Space (2010, Capcom;Br�derbund Studios) (Windows)

Babble Imperium (1984, Paradox Interactive) (ZX Spectrum)

High Episode 2: Ghost Band (1984, Melbourne Team) (Apple IIe)

Spork Demo (?, ?) (VIC-20)

Alien Pro Baseball (1989, Square Enix) (Arcade)

Black Mario (1983, Softsice) (Linux/Unix)

Jort: The Shorching (1991, Destomat) (NES)

Battle for the Art of the Coast (1997, Jaleco) (GBC)

Soccer Dragon (1987, Ange Software) (Amstrad CPC)

Mutant Tycoon (2000, Konami) (GBC)

Bishoujo no Manager (2003, author) (Linux/Unix)

Macross Army (Defenders Ball House 2: League Alien) (1991, Bandai) (NES)

The Lost of the Sand Trades 2000 (1990, Sega) (SNES)

Pal Defense (1987, author) (Mac)

(part one, part two)

Sweet Home (Walkaround Ambiance #1) [from “Barnbellow’s Estate”] (Gonkaka)

This is something long overdue; actual music for my Barnbellow’s Estate project.

For those of you that haven’t been around long or don’t follow my exploits closely, Barnbellow’s Estate is a Clock Tower inspired project that has existed, in some form, since about 2007, though it has gone through quite a few tweaks and changes within that time frame. Like a lot of my projects, it started out as an idea for a game I was certain I’d somehow make, but once reality caught up with me a bit I rejigged it into a “fake soundtrack” Gonkaka project. Because I might not be able to make full games, but I CAN make soundtracks and write an obscene amount of flavour text!

There are two primary modes of ‘gameplay’ in Barnbellow’s Estate, were it to exists: one wherein you explore the impossibly large estate the game takes place in, solving puzzles, reading lore, and engaging with all manner of survival horror tropes; and one wherein you have to escape from the designated pursuer of whatever area of the estate your in, using the environment to your advantage (either to hide from or hinder said pursuer), or in a pinch, use Yuna’s digital camera to stun and temporarily disable them. This is a piece that would play during one of the former sections- specifically, it’s intended to be the primary walkaround music for the very first area of the game (the hysterical laughter and/or sobbing sample that I messed about with in the final section is a giveaway here, as it’s intended to tie into the game’s first pursuer; the Vengeful Mother, whom makes an appearance in and has some of her backstory expanded upon in this short story I wrote). It’s also a good demonstration of the general sound direction I wanted to take the walkaround tracks in: a sorta free-form, experimental semi ambient style with more melody driven breaks and a shot or two of some 80s-styled synth patches for cheesy horror flick fair.

This piece does have some more specific sources of inspiration, though; the use of rave stabs owes itself more to the music from G Darius than more dance-floor ready tracks, as G Darius’ score did tend to make use of orch hits and rave stabs in unsettling and sometimes dischordant ways (here’s an example track). The track’s general vibe also owes a lot to the Ancient Castle Stage music from the first Devil May Cry - the idea to use some effect-ladden and otherwise messed with samples of orchestra tune-ups and an opera singer belting out in a freeway in particular were inspired by the sudden appearance of a pleasant string melody overlaid atop the offputting ambiance (the big, bombastic organ/string section also owes itself to the Ancient Castle Stage track). The name is also a deliberate reference to the NES/Famicom horror title Sweet Home, because I don’t think I’ve made my love of that game quite clear enough yet.

Fun trivia fact: this is technically a stealth remake of an older attempt at the first-area-walkaround-track for Barnbellow’s Estate, called “Tragedy United Them”. About the only thing it borrows from the original is that organ section, though.

This song includes the following sounds from freesound.org:

orchestra warming up (BeeProductive)

underpass (Simon Gray)

Chamber Ensemble Tuning 2 (Cunningar0807)

G51-09-Woman Sobs and Laughs (Craig Smith)

So, I think I did some concept stuff for it ages ago, but here’s some art design stuff for a game idea I had, sort of a melancholy-y vector-graphics Zelda-like inspired by the aesthetics of pre-crash video games.

On the right is the heroine, on the left is what is basically my idea for a design of the “goomba” species.

In my head, the game idea’s called Black Skies, and I’ll tell you more about it if you wanna hear…