Latest Posts by hospitaiforbrokensouls-blog - Page 3

I have always, without a doubt, been a strange girl. Noticeable uncomfortable in my own skin, a constant desire to shrink and shift into somebody, something, anything else. Disappearing being the unattainable goal and going unnoticed the runner up prize. Never the life and soul of the party, never invited to the party, never the best friend more so the acquaintance.

Every ounce of kindness I have ever been shown by anybody, I grasp into with both hands and hope so desperately for it not to slip from between my fingers. It never lasts and it never turns out the way I would of hoped.

Every single relationship I have formed with anybody, has been ruined or tainted in a way, through nobodies fault but my own. I am a wrecking ball and I can’t help but destroy and break and ruin. I am alone, so alone and so painfully lonely. Hurting myself doesn’t suffice and thoughts of throwing it all away are a constant.

After all, what’s the point in it anyway?

“There are days when I look at you and I don’t see the boy I fell in love with. The boy who used to put in effort just to see me smile, the boy whose day wasn’t complete until he heard about mine, the boy who used to hold my hand because he knew i was scared of the dark, the boy who would write letters to me unexpectedly. I don’t see the boy I fell in love with, just another boy who tells me he loves me.”

— //nikitagupta

I always fall in love with the illusion. But what can I say? It feels so good.

— Rose O.

I’M SORRY THAT I MISSED YOUR CALL FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW

i’m sorry, i’m trying- nothing, nowhere | #08083C

“What is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.”

— John Green, Looking for Alaska

“The moment love rejected me and I decided to reject it too. I had to plead guilty of my own murder”

— Rose O.

One thing at a time, that’s what they told me. I can’t even face doing one thing at a time. I’m too tired to pull myself out of bed. Too scared to do anything. Too paranoid to leave the house. I’m just sitting here watching time tick away and my thoughts gather like storm clouds preparing to drown me out.

“Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

— Virginia Woolf’s suicide note

“I know, this isn’t the right thing to do. But, I’m tired of living… And this is the best way that I could escape this miserable life. I’m trapped within the walls of being alone. No one understands me. No one loves me. I know, if I die I wouldn’t be able to feel pain anymore… Nothing hurts when you’re dead. That’s what I wanted, to feel no more pain. I’m tired of this world. Mom, Dad, I’m so sorry because I won’t be able to continue your dreams for me. I’m so sorry for being pesky, rude and hard-headed. Sorry for the things that I made you cry and worry. Even though, my life was completely messed up, you’re always there for me. Cheering me up, supporting and providing things for me. But now, I caused you another trouble, don’t worry, this would be the last.. Thank you for everything, I will always love you both… see you soon. For you, I’m sorry for causing you so much pain and loneliness. I didn’t mean to leave you behind. I don’t want to end everything but… I’m having a battle inside of me. And unfortunately, I lose. That’s why I’m here, on the other side of the horizon. A place not on the physical world. Don’t worry, I will always be in your heart. Loving you from a distance. I will always protect you, guide you and be with you. I don’t want to see you sad and cry again, please. Explore and wander things that life has to offer which I probably can’t do anymore. My body will decay, but my love for you will be forever. I will always be here, till we meet again. On my bed, you will see photographs and things that were important to me. I kept those things for years. It’s like a piece of me, so please keep them as if you’re caring me. If you miss me, come and find me in your heart. I’m so sorry, I can’t continue my life anymore. I’m sick of this world. I’m tired of being beaten and left behind. My life sucks. Please open the door, I want to be free.”

— suicide letter, 11/1714 2:44am

“I’ve written more suicide notes in my life than i’ve written essays in school.”

— @planeblackstars

I can’t deal with my family anymore, they complain that I sit in my room and not talk to them enough and when I do, every single time without fail it ends in a argument leaving me feeling even more drained and done. Then they still wonder why I’m like this. 

The worst feeling

“I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, couldn’t do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything.”

— Richard Siken (via velvetnyc)

http://www.personal-quotes.com

“haha i don’t care" 

*goes home and cries*

I wish I didn’t feel so strongly. Whenever I get attached to somebody I become sick. For example, I have a crush atm and even though having a crush should be fun I’m just anxious. I think about him 24/7 and I feel incredibly sad and uncomfortable if I don’t hear from him in a while.I also keep thinking about how I’m just a consolation prize and he probably wishes he had someone better than me. I have serious abandonment issues and I probably shouldn’t even be with anyone tbh. 

Whenever I fall for somebody they become the main focus in my life and I lose myself. I lose interest in everything else but them. I know it’s super unhealthy but I can’t stop myself from feeling like this and it sucks. 

I haven’t heard anything from my crush since this morning and I want him to contact me first because I want to know that he likes me and wants to stay in contact even if I don’t make the first move. Waiting for his message sucks. Usually at some point he does message me but in the meanwhile I feel like I’m dying. I think I should start to see a therapist again because I’m a mess. I’ve recovered from some of my mental illnesses but this one seems to stay and it’s called BPD. 

I’m on probation but too mentally Fukt to even consider staying completely sober so I think I might’ve failed my last drug test n my PO isn’t responding to my email so. Idk I’m kinda planning on killing myself as soon as things start going south lol

hey love,

noooo love. killing yourself won’t solve anything, i know it seems like a nice exit sign, but please don’t follow it. okay so once i wanted to kill myself and the person i confided in told me something that had me a little shook; she told me  “is that what you really want people to think of you? people who said you were fucked up, crazy, you want to just be an other story they’ll get to share about how odd you were and then you killed yourself? prove them wrong, prove every single one of these assholes wrong”

and yep. it’s still one of the reasons why i’m here. prove them wrong. get your act together, sober, and try to be better. i believe you can, i know it’s not easy, but i have faith in you my love. you can get through this. take it one day at the time

xx

Do you do this?

I do this thing, where in the midst of my depression I convince myself that I’m gonna turn my life around. So I make plans and plans about how my life is changing tomorrow and it’s gonna be great and I get excited. But then I sit down at the end of it all and I’m just like damn, I’m still depressed as fuck.

“Maybe it was your laugh, or your eyes, or the way you smile. Or maybe it was your voice, or your personality. Whatever it was, it made me fall pretty damn hard.”

— I Love You / Unrequited Love

Yesterday my therapist used “triggered” in an actual medical context and for a second I honestly thought she was making fun of me before I remembered that it was still a word like. Actual doctors use and not just something shitty people say

“How do you tell people? How do you tell them that you’re exhausted even though you slept for 10 hours? How do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them? How do you tell them that although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight?”

— Midnight thoughts (I’m burnt out)

me, sitting in my room drowning in rubbish, staring at one spot and not doing anything just feeling numb and lowkey suicidal: what if i faked being mentally ill