Latest Posts by hospitaiforbrokensouls-blog - Page 2

do you ever sit with a group of people and not say anything for  the entire time so theres no reason for you to be there youre just awkwardly listening to people converse while doing your own thing and wondering how its so easy for them to just talk or why its so hard for you to say anything

“I smile about you I cry about you I lie about you I’m fine without you I lied that’s not true I’d die without you”

— Gnash, Tell me it’s okay

I would really like to know what exactly is wrong with me, that makes me so unlovable?

I‘m really curious.

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“No matter how hard I try I will always be left out, will never be as important as them, will always be forgotten and the only reason someone calls is because they might need something from me. I feel unwanted and worthless. They make me feel unwanted and worthless. But they’re all I have…”

— (via suicidalnixi)

Coming to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me or needs me. I’m unimportant and invisible. I’ll soon disappear and everything will still be the same it’ll be better for everyone, the good thing about people not caring about me

i hate that i’m so absent as a person. i don’t start conversations. i can barely maintain them. i’m so weary and spaced out all the time to the point where i can’t even keep up small talk and i’m just so disappointed in myself

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

— (via flame)

“Doesn’t it scare you that you’ve wasted more than half of your life hating yourself? It should.”

— Michelle K. (via quotemadness)

Fear of being boring

If you were a child who grew up fearing that you’re boring everybody by talking, then it more than likely stemmed from invalidation as a child.

Sometimes as children we find a topic we enjoy, and talk endlessly about it. Most parents might not be wildly enthusiastic on the inside, but they will show interest for the child to validate them. Mine were different, they showed absolutley no interest whatsoever, no matter what the subject of interest was. They behaved as if I was boring them, or they said they were tired, busy or had a headache. Constant invalidation or uninterest was rampant in our house.

To make matters worse, they were fascinated if my brother brought up the same subject, and to this day they both deny their obvious favouritism. And on the rare occassions they did show interest, I found myself questioning the sincerity of their supposed interest. And then it happened. “We’re doing it to be polite”. Those words angrily buzzed like startled wasps in my brain. I was so surprised and hurt that they could lie, after screaming and calling me names for some sneaky lies (“no, I didn’t do anything wrong”). I stopped talking to them about things I liked altogether, not just to them, to everyone.

As a result, if I get carried away with a subject in adulthood, I repeatedly apologise for being boring or uninteresting. And if they do show interest, I always question the sincerity of it. “Are you sure I’m not boring?” “Really? If I am I’ll shut up”. Are two of my most common phrases. Other times I won’t care and I’ll waffle on about what I please. But there’s always a part of me that holds back on too much enthusiasm. I am always second guessing whether someone is genuinely interested in what I have to say. And this, parents, is why you validate your children. Otherwise they’ll grow up thinking everybody secretly hates them and is bored by them.

sometimes, i scare myself. i hate lashing out. i hate being so angry i cry and want to hit things. i hate getting furious over things that should be small. its scary

Depression does not always mean

Beautiful girls with visible scars on their wrists. Depression does not always mean having a bad day at work.

Sometimes depression means not getting out of bed for three days in a row because your feet refuse to believe that they will not shatter upon impact on the floor.

Sometimes depression means that summoning the willpower to do the laundry and change your bed sheets is the most impressive thing you’ve accomplished all week.

Sometimes depression means lying there for hours, because you cannot convince your body that it is capable of movement.

Sometimes depression means not being able to write for days, weeks even because the only words you have to offer the world are;

“I’m trapped”

“I’m drowning”

“I swear to god I’m trying”

Sometimes depression means that every single bone in your body aches but you have to keep going through the motions because you cannot call into work with the excuse of depression.

Sometimes depression means ignoring every text and phone call for an entire month because yes, they have the right number but you are not the person they are looking for, not anymore.

I love all the little details,

Like the way you stick your tongue out when you’re concentrating

Or the dimple on your cheek when you smile.

You want to put the sun back into my life but you don’t know;

When I’m with you the aches of my anxieties melt.

I know you’re not supposed to look to people to save you, but whenever I’m around you, the world becomes simpler.

The chaos settles a little.

My mood steadies and the skies shift from a dark smoke to a soft blue.

I know I’m meant to save myself, hell I’ve tried so hard to. But the fact of the matter is, when I’m with you, I don’t have to.

Sometimes I fell asleep with my pillow being wet from tears. Sometimes I fell asleep with blood in my sheets because I thought that was the way to survive.

R.R.

i cant believe im alive and im just sitting in silence most of the time

“I am so fucking tired of being ignored taken for granted unlovable an inconvenience. I just want to be the one who gets a text back feels needed gets attention from that one person be the one everyone is happy to have. Guess it will never be that way though.”

— I wanna die tbh (via missdich)

I would really like to know what exactly is wrong with me, that makes me so unlovable?

I‘m really curious.

You know what sucks even more than being mentally ill? Being self-aware about it. Like you constantly know that your behavior is a problem and you know exactly what it is and exactly what’s causing it, but nobody believes you because you’re mentally ill.

i wish i was better

Leave. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

“I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person”

— unknown (via there-will-be-violence)

Lost

I feel so fucking lost, out of place, as if i do not belong.. i want to run away.

“If I die before my time keep in mind I wasn’t fine”

— (via killed-long-ago)

“You were like an ocean. You looked calm and you promised me you’d never hurt me so I jumped in with no precautions. Nobody spotted me, I didn’t have any floatation devices, I was just my unprotected self. It was great at first. The water was warm and calm and I was happy to be where I was. But after a while you started to get choppy and a little cold, I was still above water but I was beginning to get scared. I stayed still and told myself it would calm down soon… but I was wrong. Your waves got higher, your water felt like ice in my veins and you were pulling me under. I couldn’t breath and I begged for you to help me but you couldn’t hear me over your own loud noise. You slammed me against the rocks and almost drowned me before you threw me to the shore. Even though it was nice to breathe again, I was cold, tired, in pain, and lost. So now I’ve been finding my way back home on my own and trying to heal myself. But all of this happened for a reason, you’ve taught me some things. The next time I go to the ocean I’m going in slow.”

— To the boy who broke me… (via no-understxnding)

im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this

i wish i could be the person i want to be but im too tired

“it’s a funny feeling hard to explain feeling like I don’t deserve to exist don’t deserve to be a part of now everything is good everything is fine but I hate it i hate how it makes me feel”

— t.m.

“And when my mother asks me what’s wrong I just say I’m tired because I don’t have the heart to tell the woman who gave me life that I don’t want it anymore.”

— (via wstdxo)