Heart Frog And Butterfly Frog By Nat Power.

What are my red flags and green flags?

Let’s start with the positives, my green flags. I might sound like a broken record but I have so much love to give and it shows everyday. I am always thinking of everyone else around me in little ways. Someone needs to vent? I’m there to listen. Oh, something of yours is broken? Come use it at my place to make your life easier. I’m out at the store and something reminds me of you, I’ll get it because I know it’ll make you happy. Have you eaten today? Let me stop and get you something. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think the best of people. I know it’s coming off like I’m a people pleaser (obviously I want people to like me) but I just want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of.

Now, some of my red flags are that I value my pride and bottle up my emotions tight. I know that is a learned behavior from watching my parents interact with each other and that I am more like them than I care to admit. Since I love so deeply, once someone fucks me over, they’re dead to me. And I know that’s not healthy and I’m working on it but that’s how I’ve always been. The thought of being made to look stupid after I have done so much for a person is my biggest fear. And if that ever does happen, I probably won’t even address how that made me feel, I’ll just bottle up my emotions and keep it moving. Again, I feel like it correlate with being embarrassed because what if they don’t care what I have to say? What if it was all a game to begin with? While there could be some truth to that, I know that’s my brain self-sabotaging me too. In my heart I know that I should address the person if I ever feel wronged in some way because there might be a chance to fix the things that bother me. Or even if it’s just to get things off my chest in the moment to avoid the pain of it hurting me in random moments later in the future. I know this is something I have to unlearn too and I am trying to do better but it hasn’t been something that I’ve felt comfortable doing. I’m going to start small and go from there.

Am I hiding something from myself?

One of the main things I’m hiding from myself is how badly I want to be loved and to find a man to spend the rest of my life with. I joke around and say that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life but I yearn for someone to love me wholeheartedly. And don’t say that I shouldn’t rely on someone else to feel love and that I should love myself because I do!! I love myself so much!! But what is it wrong with me that people don’t want to be with me romantically? I want to be a mother, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, I want someone to do life with.

But I don’t want any of that with the wrong person. I refuse to subject a child to the same life I had to grow up in. So as bad as I may want it, I can wait for my time a little bit longer; I’ve already waited this long.

I believe that the universe truly has something beautiful waiting for me and I look forward to the day that it’s finally my turn. Until then, I’ll continue to hide my urge to be loved behind jokes.

What does my childhood me need the most?

I think childhood me needs stability, reassurance, love, and peace. I know it could have been much worse, in comparison to other people’s childhood, but what I went through has affected me deeply.

I felt like I was in a constant state of turmoil, always walking on egg shells around my parents. I felt like we were always being pulled back and forth by both parents. We were pawns to them and used as excuses for them to live in their toxicity. They couldn’t live without each other and we suffered because of it.

I have never known what it was like to grow up with parents who loved each other selflessly. There were always restrictions in place and even when it came to us, I felt like they loved each other more than they ever loved us.

Because of all of this, I have been in a constant state of anxiety and that has followed me into my adult life. I am a mix of both of my parents, in the worst ways possible.

I wish I could go back and hug childhood me and let her know that I love her so much. I want her to speak her mind more instead of bottling it up. I know she has so much love to give.

Day 3:

What do you love most about yourself?

The thing that I love the most about myself, physically, is my smile. I am biased but I think that I have an awesome smile. I have never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight and I have dimples on each side. My smile is something that I am extremely grateful for because I know that if I had needed braces when I was younger, my parents would not have been able to afford them. I like to joke that it is the best thing that my parents have given me to date.

The thing that I love the most about myself, internally, is that I am adaptable. I can mold myself to almost any situation and I always try my best not to complain. If I am thrust into a scenario where I do not know anyone, I will mingle and make friends as I go. It is a daunting feeling because it forces me to step out of my comfort zone but I can't remember a time where I have ever regretted it.

I have plenty of insecurities but these are the two things I am confident about.

OK, I feel like I need to make a list because the point of this whole Tumblr was to stay on track and I have done nothing to stay on track. I have not started working out, I have not started eating better, and I am messier than ever.

I am going to make a weekly chart and hopefully, I can stick to it.

Again, hopefully, by posting it here, I will be able to stay on track!

Wish me Lucky!

“... I'm a nobody. I can't even remember anything. Nothing. Not even my name.”

Write an apology letter to yourself.

Dear Me,

I am sorry for what you have been through. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sorry that life has dulled your spark.

But most of all, I am sorry for how long it has taken me to forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself and for what? I mean, look at me! Despite it all, I am still here.

You joke about your trauma to make it easier but it is still trauma. Be kind to yourself and let everything fall in to place. You are a survivor who is trying their best despite the odds they have been given. It is time to be soft and delicate and to stop scrapping with life.

You are made of gold and diamonds and you are not glass. You might fall under pressure but you always rise to the challenge.

Do not let this world continue to ruin your beautiful heart. You love so wholeheartedly and I am so proud of that despite everything we have been through. Despite everything you have witnessed growing up.

We got this and I forgive me for using my past as an excuse at every step in my life. It is time to grow up and realize that yes, you have been dealt shitty cards but it will not always be that way. Start a new game or fold and move on but do not let it continue to drag you down. Stop being weighed down by the past.

Your dad was an angry man who you have let affect you all your life but he is dead now and you are here. Your mom is an alcoholic who regrets so many of her choices but she is not you. I am made of both of my parents but I do not have to be like them. I am so much better than them.

Learn and move on but stop making excuses.

Love,

Me.

Day 5:

In what ways are you inauthentic?

In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.

Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.

I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.

Shadow Work Prompts

With my last post being about shadow work, I thought I’d give y’all some prompts to use.

How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?

What do you need more of in your life?

What do you love most about yourself?

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

In what ways are you inauthentic?

What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?

Do you hold grudges against others that could be let go? What’s your motive for holding onto them?

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

What do you need to stop running away from?

What do you need to let go of?

What should you attract into your life?

How do you feel about “love”?

Why do you think you don’t deserve love?

What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?

How do you deal with criticism?

How do you perceive pain?

Why haven’t you dealt with your past before?

What don’t you like about your life? Why? How can you change it?

How often do you lie to yourself and what about?

What emotion(s) do you try to avoid? Why don’t you want to feel those ways?

Write a letter to someone who hurt you and then burn it.

How does your inner child see you?

How are you deceiving yourself?

What does success mean to you? How are you standing in your own way?

What is going on in your life that you are actively ignoring?

What keeps you motivated?

What inspires you?

Who or what is making your life difficult? How can you deal with it constructively?

How have you been betrayed in your life? What did it teach you?

How has your voice been stifled in the past?

What areas of your life do you excel in?

What are the most important/integral things you have learned over the past few years?

In what ways are you too defensive? Why?

How are you pessimistic in your own life?

Why do you not trust others?

What hardships have you overcome? How has it changed you?

What are you doing to pursue your dreams?

What do you still need to forgive yourself for?

What did that relationship teach you? (you know the one… that one)

How can you maintain your individuality?

In what ways can you be more true to yourself?

In what ways are you lying to yourself? Why?

How can you lead with your heart in your life?

How have your dreams fallen short of reality?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

What is your relationship with your father like?

Write a letter to your inner child. Maybe apologize for what has happened to them and that you couldn’t protect them, tell them how far you have come and how much you have done. Say whatever comes to mind.

How have you been a martyr/victim in your own life?

I’ll keep this post updated with more prompts when I find them

Day 8:

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.

I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.

As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.