1.20.19
1.20.19
Man life is fucking crazy. i think i need to start documenting my life more. i need a damn diary. i just want to share everything, every part of me. im so human. soooo soooo so human. its so hard for people to understand me, sometimes i feel people dont even try. I know everyone feels this way but it feels sooo much worse for me. All this shit thats happening and im experiencing its just like bro why is this shit happening to me? i dont get any of this. i just want love to be existent everywhere. what am i going to do? i feel like ive been so distracted from who i am and my purpose ive looked out the window when i should be looking straight ahead focused. i dont feel special anymore, i know i am but thats not enough ive realized. my physical being doesn’t matter it doesn’t mean anything. my spirit is my essence. why have i been so jaded by life? im so hurt. what do i do? how do i keep fighting. but Slipknot is playing in the background so i wont fall. im so fucking weak tho. my bestfriend has been missing for a week. its so weird. with all the relationships i have with my neighborhood friends and how different my relationship with each and every one of them is. Its so much pain behind my door. i just remember growing up with you and meeting you for the first time. when i let your brothers see my magazine but not you because i didn’t know you yet. i had trust issues early bro im sorry for that day maybe thats why you snaked me so many times, haha. Man i love you even from moments that broke my heart, you never really remembered my birthday but you always a day or two off so man i love you for the constant effort every year, i remember trying to express my love for you with a handshake and a hug, i told you i loved you and you didn’t say it back, but i know you love me bro i know you do, even the one time you almost called me your bestfriend, i still remember your voice i said you were my bestfriend and wanted to make it clear and you said i got you bro youre my bestfr.. and that was all i heard. i think the saddest part is weren’t even kids maybe we were like 17? 18? shit maybe even 19. and ive known you since i was in 5th grade. ever since those moments i questioned if you were my bestfriend. i haven’t really had one since you tbh. so i guess you really were my bestfriend. at the end of the day. its so surreal. idk if youre alive or not. you were such a great soul i hope god spares your soul. You got the whole city looking for you my guy and everyone has had nothing but good things to say about you. i know how tiring that is, so many people you showed love to. We really are the same lowkey im just a cooler version of you lol. man im dead inside without you. there just an absence of me. i just want to escape everything i just want to feel really good for once. my life is just kind of unstable. im not sure if all this is happening because im about to be someone important, i know God has to keep me within his arms, not within his reach, but his arms. i fail him every day. he still chose me, he still loves me. i still fight for him no matter what. no one will change that. i will not fight for anyone that thinks because they’re above me in some sort of caliber i have to respect and fear them, save them so to speak. You cant do anything to me, period. i dont serve you, my destiny is not any mans hands and that will never change. everyday i wake up feeling like someone special, important, different, destined. but what am i really doing with myself. why am i so stupid, slow and lazy. im trying so hard but i aint trying at all. how crazy is that. idk how to educate people and put them on when they dont listen. you always gotta fucking prove something to people first and i guess thats why im chasing music right now. thats really my whole purpose for making music, for wanting to be in this industry. i got something to say. im not ready to be a leader or a king as was destined for me but i gotta fucking do the job. im sorry im crippled as fuck right now. i just really hope all the people that are by my side and join my side can and will stick by me no matter what. my heart is always in the right place, never forget that. and i wont either. everyone does dirt dont forget that. we can win but only together, i just hope i mean enough for you all to defend some day, when i need you the most, dead or alive. my hearts a little too big and im sure no one will be able t0\o understand what i truly mean. it’ll always be an understatement because fuck niggas being using these words and phrases religiously but dont mean it and yet again another reason why you always gotta prove shit to people. nobody takes my word for my word. and y’all wonder why i dont speak often smh. anything that comes out of my mouth now i will always mean and stand by 100%. but niggas dont trust me, my own team dont even trust me entirely.
More Posts from Jailposes and Others
Another R.I.P. Post.
M NOT WRITING THIS TO BE DEEP OR TOO INTROSPECTIVE. THERES NOT MUCH OF A STORY TO TELL FOR ME BUT IM IN FUCKING SHOCK BRO. WE PLAYED BASKETBALL ON THE SAME TEAM SINCE 6TH GRADE UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL. WE DEFINITELY WERE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE SPECTRUM. I DONT THINK I EVER HAD YOUR RESPECT ON THE BASKETBALL COURT BUT YEARS LATER I COULD FEEL YOUR CURIOSITY, INTEREST AND A NEW LEVEL OF RECOGNITION FROM YOU. EVEN THEN I KNEW A LOT OF PEOPLE DOUBTED YOUR MUSIC. YOU HAD YOURE OWN CHALLENGES IN THAT AREA BUT I GAVE YOU MY RESPECT ODDLY ENOUGH (ASSUMING ID FEEL BITTER OR BE ON SOME HATER SHIT BUT NAH). I COULD TELL YOU TRIED TO FIT YOURSELF IN ANY WAY YOU COULD, JUST LIKE ME YEARS AGO ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM. ITS JUST SO TRIPPY BRO. I SEE ALL THESE RIP POSTS AND NOT A SOUL TAGGED YOUR MUSIC OR EVEN PLAYING IT IN ANY VIDEOS. I THINK JUST PETEY TBH. ANYWAYS BRO THIS IS JUST AWKWARD FOR ME, BUT I STILL HAVE MUCH LOVE FOR YOU. BELIEVE IT OR NOT YOU (AND THE REST OF THE BLUEJAYS) PLAYED A BIG PART IN MY SENSE OF SELF, BEING THE REASON I WAS SO FEARFUL, OVERCOMING THAT SAME FEAR AND SO MUCH MORE I COULD GO INTO. I NEVER TALK ABOUT THOSE DAYS THEY WERE THE HARDEST OF MY LIFE. BEING SO YOUNG AND ALONE. I DID LOOK UP TO YOU IN A SMALL WAY. YOU HAD EVERYTHING I TRUTHFULLY DIDNT AT LEAST ON THE SURFACE. THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY SUPPORTING YOU FROM SIDELINES, WATCHING YOU SAVE OUR TEAM FROM COUNTLESS LOSES. YOU WERE OUR HERO AT THE TIME. ITS SO CRAZY TO THINK ABOUT. NOT YOU OR ANYBODY ON THE TEAM UNDERSTANDS THAT I LITERALLY WATCHED IT ALL. MAYBE THATS WHY IM SO BLOWN AWAY. BUT THROUGH ALL THAT IVE COME TO REALIZE THAT YOU AND I WERENT SO DIFFERENT. AFTER ALL IF IT WASNT FOR YOU AND THE REST OF THE TEAM I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT BE WHO I AM TODAY WITHOUT A DOUBT. THANKS FOR GIVING ME A HARD TIME SERIOUSLY. LOL.
IM HAPPY WE SOMEWHAT RECONNECTED THANKS TO SONNY. I HAD FUN SHOOTING VIDEOS FOR YALL AND EVEN DOING THE PHOTOSHOOTS. I TRY TO TELL FIRETEAM WHATEVER YALL NEED IM DOWN IM NOT THE BEST SUITED OR TRAINED BUT I AM ALWAYS WILLING TO WORK ON SOMETHING AND IMPROVE FOR THE GREATER GOOD ESPECIALLY MUSIC RELATED THINGS. BUT ITS OKAY I SAW YOU AGAIN IN ACTION INA DIFFERENT LIGHT AND I THINK THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. AT LEAST IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE YOURE AGAINST ME ANYMORE. MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. MAYBE WE CAN MEET AGAIN ON COMPLETELY NEW LEVEL AND PLANE OF EXISTENCE.
SMOKE WEED, DRINK WATER
MAN IM LOOOKING FOR THE VIDEO WE DID TOGETHER AND I CANT EVEN FIND IT DAMN.
YO BADBADNOTGOOD AND KAYTRANADA REALLY SLID ON THIS BEAT 😭🔥
Self reflection
I saw a dead cat walking on acid today. It didn’t shock me or scare me, it actually surprised me more than anything. I was sad for a minute but I had to ask why was I sad? I saw death but it’s actually not something to be sad about or even to fear. It wasn’t a warning of what’s to come. The moment was a stand still. The cat had its eyes closed if anything a bit of it eyes were glaring but not even to actually shock me. Its ears were upright it was perfectly in tact. In fact I just assume a car hit it but tbh there was absolutely no evidence of that even taking place. But cats dont just die in the street do they?
That’s why im able to step back a little more. It was very foggy. A cat that could’ve lost its way. A cat that was potentially stuck in its ignorance and own ways. But it was fog. Something died in the fog. Did I find what died in the confusion? Did something die when I become more aware? What died tho? But I guess another key takeaway is allowing space and time for the answer to just simply come to me. I got to excited with this information but now im going to pull it back into self and find comes next.
I would ask for opinions but in reality yours doesn’t even matter to me. It would shape my belief in something I dont have clarity in and why does your truth have to become mine? I’ll remain unanimous. Instead you who are reading take this information as you will. I guess we all uncover our own truths and hidden layers
im trying so hard to get this tape together in time for this month 😪
ordered a Large “ITS LIT” with extra “STRAIGHT UP” on the side.
DIS SHIT FUCKED MY STOMACH UP BROZAY 😭 I AINT EAT FAST FOOD SINCE THE PANDEMIC STARTED
TRAVIS COME ON MANE *boosie voice*
(MORAL OF THE STORY: DONT TRUST A SOUL WHO EATS PICKLES)
