Justmecrashingout - A Million Miles

Ibrahim Rifath

Freshly Flipped Iceberg in Jökulsárlón Glacial Lagoon, Iceland [3072x4080] [OC] - Author: jrharte

Nikos Kazantzakis, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of Nikos Kazantzakis

Joy Sullivan, “If I Had a Hundred Lives to Live”, Instructions for Traveling West

If I cannot love you openly like I wish, if I cannot hold your hand when walking Or wrap you in my arms late at night. Then I will love you silently, in my mind and behind closed eyes For there, there is no rejection or heartbreak. And surely it is better to love silently than to not love at all?

—unknown

sometimes “i did my best” is just a way to avoid saying “i gave up when it got hard”

como se hace la luz dentro del ojo | © víctor m. alonso

“todo se hace en silencio \ como se hace la luz dentro del ojo” [Jaime Sabines]

I’m seeing my doctor for an antidepressant tomorrow morning.

I’ve had depression since I was 10. Any period of time where I felt happy or safe was always temporary. With some therapy I made it past some of the hardest years of my life, and when I realized I was going to keep living, I decided I didn’t need treatment. I never asked for meds, and I didn’t look for therapy after I aged out of the program I was in.

I didn’t have friends or family that supported me, or even offered to talk. I understand now that none of them would have known what to say.

I wasn’t living. I thought that surviving was the point, and for a while it was. I survived some things that I don’t wish on anyone, but now I want to live.

I want to get up in the morning. I want to spend time going to coffee shops and farmers markets and travelling. I want to romanticize my life, not just drag myself through it.

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know if I’ll have to try ten different meds before something works but I want to try.

I spent 30 years scraping by, hoping tomorrow comes and goes quickly.

I want to live again. 

I was sixteen when a boy told me- “I’ll cross oceans for you and scream your name from rooftops.” I felt like I finally got a hold of love , nuzzling its scent on my fingertips.

Years in the periphery, we lost sight of eachother or maybe there weren't many rooftops left to shout my name from.

Today, at the dinner table, I saw my husband deliberately taking small bites from his burger while everybody else was hustling to leave the table. I realised I still hadn’t finished my meal. While I cut my steak , his presence loomed beside me- the most blissful silence I have ever been in , the slowest passage of time.

Maybe, love doesn't come from people who can bind the moon to your arms. It is someone who can let go of a few minutes to sit by your side , in a world that doesn't wait.