Maybe In Another Life…

I was sixteen when a boy told me- “I’ll cross oceans for you and scream your name from rooftops.” I felt like I finally got a hold of love , nuzzling its scent on my fingertips.

Years in the periphery, we lost sight of eachother or maybe there weren't many rooftops left to shout my name from.

Today, at the dinner table, I saw my husband deliberately taking small bites from his burger while everybody else was hustling to leave the table. I realised I still hadn’t finished my meal. While I cut my steak , his presence loomed beside me- the most blissful silence I have ever been in , the slowest passage of time.

Maybe, love doesn't come from people who can bind the moon to your arms. It is someone who can let go of a few minutes to sit by your side , in a world that doesn't wait.

nostalgicraindrops

I’m seeing my doctor for an antidepressant tomorrow morning.

I’ve had depression since I was 10. Any period of time where I felt happy or safe was always temporary. With some therapy I made it past some of the hardest years of my life, and when I realized I was going to keep living, I decided I didn’t need treatment. I never asked for meds, and I didn’t look for therapy after I aged out of the program I was in.

I didn’t have friends or family that supported me, or even offered to talk. I understand now that none of them would have known what to say.

I wasn’t living. I thought that surviving was the point, and for a while it was. I survived some things that I don’t wish on anyone, but now I want to live.

I want to get up in the morning. I want to spend time going to coffee shops and farmers markets and travelling. I want to romanticize my life, not just drag myself through it.

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know if I’ll have to try ten different meds before something works but I want to try.

I spent 30 years scraping by, hoping tomorrow comes and goes quickly.

I want to live again. 

twenty years across the sea

omg i get another chance tomorrow!! and after tomorrow i get another chance!!! and after that another!!?!

Various stars & moon details from my gouache paintings 🌙✨

Angela Carter, from Burning Your Boats: The Collected Short Stories; "Flesh and the Mirror,"

I stopped looking for you.

Stopped checking up on you.

Stopped rereading old messages.

Stopped wondering if you still cared.

Because none of it would bring you back.

You’ve been gone for a long time.

You checked out long before you walked away.

And I kept holding on to someone

who had already let go of me.