Omg I Get Another Chance Tomorrow!! And After Tomorrow I Get Another Chance!!! And After That Another!!?!

Nikos Kazantzakis, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of Nikos Kazantzakis

Even though you didn't make it to the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on our chapter.

Because it was my favorite.

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

Six months ago, I messaged you.

Maybe you never saw it, or maybe you just couldn’t reply. You couldn’t fall back in like I couldn’t when you reached out all those years ago.

Maybe we’ll chase each other around the world, through timezones and years, catching up when we can, for the rest of our lives.

Or maybe we can never fall back in.

揺らぐ記憶

2019年、端山藤園。

藤沢市の「フジロード」で辿り着いた端山藤園の藤。

phainopepla

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to heal or forget or move on.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time today. I don’t really watch movies, so I avoided it for a long time, but I knew I would love it.

It’s devastating.

When I think about you, I wish I could forget. We had one intense year. Every minute we spent together, it was just one year. One year of secrets, of competing, of falling asleep on the phone. Just one year of games and arguments and half given truths. If it was gone, I would be okay.

I spent 5 years pretending you didn’t happen. Waving away any brief thought. A quick smile to a memory before pushing it down, until they were all pushed down and nothing left. I didn’t bring you up in conversations anymore. I didn’t check the weather where you were. I deleted our pictures, made new accounts to avoid our old conversations. I turned the radio off when that song came on. I unlearned habits.

When did I stop subtracting three hours every time I looked at a clock?

I would give everything to go back and love you all over again.

Last year, I heard songs that reminded me of you, but I played them on repeat instead of skipping them. I went back to the games we played together. I started to see you in everything. You come up in conversations. You’re always on my mind.

I'm so tired of everything, but the thought of your arms around me feels like rest. Like home. Like I could finally breathe. I think I could fall asleep forever there.