Letscats74fan - Tom

I bet if a mushroom could lap water out of your hand with a tongue that a gently drinking mushroom tongue on your hand would be the softest and gentlest thing.

Okay, but I can’t help but be bewildered by all of these people who think that Malenia would deliberately hunt down Radahn for some slight or because of sibling rivalry when she is one of the most passive, chill characters in Sekiroulsborne Ring history. I’m not even joking. You find the woman taking the longest depression nap ever and she only fights you because you’re invading her and her brother’s sanctuary. She only smacked the shit out of Godrick because he insulted her and then probably immediately curled up like a ball and whined like a weenus at her feet after she punched him in the nose. You hear all about Miquella’s designs to become a full god and to actually use his Empyrean-ness for something, but never a mention of Malenia’s other than ‘well she’s an Empyrean, too’. Like, she just has. No fucking designs to go change the world on her own. She’s more than happy to be her brother’s blade. Malenia’s a reactive character. She kind of passive. And that’s fucking great. I actually really love that, because not everyone has to be a protagonist, and you don’t have to be a protagonist to be a badass or change the world. Hidetaka Miyazaki and GRRM could descend from the heavens right now and tell me that it’s canon that Malenia sought out Radahn on entirely her own volition and I would call bullshit. You could hold a gun to my head and I would still refuse to believe that anything but a direct or active threat to her brother’s and/or the Haligtree’s safety would have driven her all the way from the fucking Consecrated Snowfield to Caelid.

Miquella is the chessmaster and Malenia just loves him and is happy to be here. Her three main interests are her brother, swordplay, and women, probably in that order. Miquella probably rants and raves about the injustice in the world and how much their parents suck and Malenia just smiles and nods along in complete agreement and wow, isn’t her brother the best? She loves him so much. He’s gonna be such a good full god one day and she’s gonna help him get there. What? Her own candidacy to godhood? Who cares–have you seen how awesome her big brother is? He is tiny but full of rage and hope and she loves him so much. Get out of my face before I snap your spine over my leg, Godrick.

Like, I keep having this image in my head of a meeting between the demigods following the Shattering, and it’s Morgott, Mohg, Radahn, Rykard, and Godrick all standing in a circle and screaming at each other (like they’ve probably been doing for the past two hours). Meanwhile Miquella is sitting in Malenia’s lap, reading a book and quietly planning his own overthrow of the status quo and future socialist empire, while Malenia’s just braiding his hair and yawning. Like, god, she could be helping her brother liberate the albinaurics or making out with Finlay right now. This is why they left Leyndell with a fucking sapling in a pot 1,000+ years ago and only go home for holidays.

Eventually she gets done with braiding and they’re still yelling, so Miquella just starts reading aloud and she hangs onto every word. Another hour passes and Miquella says he’s bored and that he wants to go to the fantasy version of Chuck E’ Cheeses instead, and Malenia just scoops him up under one arm and walks out. Radahn tries to stop her and she snaps his wrist without looking. They get fantasy pizza and come back to the meeting three hours later. Malenia won Miquella a giant stuffed butterfly in a ring toss game and swung by Caria Manor to give Ranni the leftover pizza before coming back. They’re still screaming aside from Morgott, who’s huddled in the corner crying. Malenia still does not care but does poke out Mohg’s one remaining eye when she catches him leering at Miquella. They decide to just go back to the Haligtree and it’s noon the next day before the rest of the family realizes they haven’t shown up for lunch.

Look, my point is that Malenia could not have been assed to deal with Radahn on normal circumstances, but he probably was talking shit about invading the Haligtree or making Miquella his political god-consort to his future ‘Elden Lord’,  and she just got the lesbian army assembled and was all ‘FUCK THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR’ all the way to Caelid.

Turns out when a religious astronaut dies in space they’re out of bounds of their after life, instead of going to Heaven, they go to you. God of the abyss.

Vaggie: “Charlie? Can I have a pick-me-up?”

Charlie: “!! YES!!! OF COURSE ALWAYS!!!”

Charlie: “Uh- where to start, um- Oh oh oh! You have the most AMAZING laugh whenever you to relax enough for it and your voice is INCREDIBLE really easy to get lost listening to- You take skirt wearing to whole other level, you snore SO cutely in your sleep, and even if it’s a little concerning how fast you are with that spear, it’s also really kinda h-”

Vaggie: “I meant literally, babe. Like, thanks for making me blush, but…”

Charlie: “Ohhhh you want UPPIES?”

Vaggie: “Girlfriend-based personal vertical augmentation- yeah. I’d, I’d like uppies. Please.”

Charlie: “One vertical upgrade via your girlfriend coming right UP!” (giggles) (picks up) “Heheh, how’s this?”

Vaggie: (is up picked) “Perfect, sweetie. Now carry me over to Alastor?”

Alastor: “?”

Charlie: “Okay?” (starts walking) “…why…?”

Vaggie: “I wanna punch him in his stupid smiling extremely punchable face.”

Alator: “Oh I AM flattered!”

Vaggie: “Great he’s given implied consent to a beating, let’s go.”

Charlie: “Okay.” (turning around) “We’re not doing that.”

Vaggie: “We don’t have to. I’ll do the punching, all you have to do is go over there and hold me at eye level.”  

Charlie: "Vaggie-"

Alastor: “Get on a level with ME? Rather impossible for you, I’m afraid. You simply lack my, dare I say DEPTH of vision, ha ha! DO take care you don’t suffer from altitude sickness in the attempt through, hmm?”

Vaggie: “Two seconds of being held up to his face, Charlie, that’s all I’m asking.”

Charlie: “Vaggie, that’s still assault on my part. That’s assault with a deadly weapon, even!”

Vaggie: “I’m not armed?”

Charlie: “Are you breathing?”

Vaggie: “Uhh, yeah..?”

Charlie: “If you’re breathing then you’re a threat.”

Vaggie: (grinning) “Aww, Charlie.”

Charlie: “ESPECIALLY to guys like Alastor. No offence, Alastor.”

Alastor: “Compliment accepted!”

Vaggie: (beaming) (didn’t hear him) “You’re just saying that.”

Alastor: (annoyed dial tune) “Ahem. Well, I just said-”

Charlie: “I’m saying it because it’s true, and my ex still instinctively flinches at any HINT of a red hair bow at around chest height.” (switches to cuddling vaggie) “So let’s go be a threat over here instead, okay? Out of Alastor punching range.”

Vaggie: “Still within spear throw.”

Alastor: “Ahh yes, your darling divine toothpick. How quaint!”

Charlie: “Would you really wanna get his blood all over your spear?”

Vaggie: (HEAVY SIGH) “Nnnnno… I guess not.”

Alastor: (honestly insulted) “Rude.”

Charlie: “Didn’t thinks so!” (muttering) “The way you fawn over the stupid thing when it get’s so much as a stupid little smudge from me poking it in it’s stupid perfectly polished face…”

Vaggie: “What?”

Alastor: (evil static) “SHE said-”

Charlie: “Nothing! Petty revenge always ends up biting you in the ass! Anyway.” (grins brightly) “We’ve got better things to do than punch people in the face!”

Vaggie: “Good point.” (touches charlie’s jaw thoughtfully) “...this angle is pretty useful for more than just punching.”

Alastor: “AhaHA! And there is my cue to get off the air!”

Charlie: “Yeah…?”

Vaggie: “Yeah..”

Alastor: “Indeed!”

Charlie: “Like for tongue wrestling~?”

Vaggie: “….”

Alastor: “….”

Alastor: “Oh dear~!

Vaggie: “….”

Vaggie: “What.”

Charlie: “Well if it’s combat you’re after- we COULD have a battle for dominance. Y’know. With our mouths.”

Charlie: (wink)

Vaggie: “….never mind. You can put me down now.”

Alastor: “Oooh~”

Charlie: “!! NO NO WAIT I TAKE IT BACK-”

Vaggie: “Charlie. It’s seared into my brain.”

Alastor: (grinning) “Dreadful! Truly dreadful!”

Charlie: “NOOOO NO NO UN-SEAR IT! UN-SEAR IT FROM THE BRAIN!!!!”

Vaggie: “I don’t feel up for punching anyone either anymore, so don’t worry.”

Charlie: “Would, would punching put you back in the mood!? Vaggie please wait hold on just one sec-”

Charlie: “ALASTOR! CAN YOU COME OVER- NOOO DON’T WALK AWAY, I NEED-”

Charlie: VAGGIE!!! Wait!! I’m sorry! Please wait up! Please I’m sorry I just got SO in the mood and kinda COMPLETELY lost my mind with your talking all low right next to me like that, like when we-”

Alastor: (distantly) “Dear ones~ I am not yet out of hearing range~”

Vaggie: “Good. Suffer.”

Charlie: “I’m suffering IM SUFFERNG! PLEASE!!!” (trailing after girlfriend) “Vaggiiiiieeeee..! S-smooches????”

Vaggie: “Sweetie, I can’t even look at you right now.”

Charlie: “We could do the smooches without looking!!!”

Vaggie: “Even worse. Every time I close my eye I see your tongue suited up in armor, waving around a sword.”

Charlie: (horrified) “No! NO!!! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A METAPHOR!”

Vaggie: “Metaphorically speaking, I’ve been scarred.”

Charlie: “Th- then let me kiss it better!”

Vaggie: “Not how it works, babe.”

Charlie: “ARGH!”

Angel Dust: “Hey’a tootes! Guess who’s back from LONG and HARD day of… the fuck is wrong with her?”

Vaggie: “She’s fine.”

Charlie: (clutching vaggie’s arm) (wailing) “FANFIC RUIN LIVES!!!!!”

Angel Dust: “Ain’t that the truth. Porn tip- NEVER try adapting a smut fic for the screen. Choreography’s a nightmare…”

Vaggie: “Wow thanks for the amazing advice that we definitely needed.”

Angel Dust: “Ya welcome.”

Charlie: “We might still need it! Right Vaggie!? We might still be doing stuff like that in future-”

Vaggie: “What we could really use right now is a few drinks. Angel, I’ll spot yours if you can convince Husk to open early.”

Charlie: (slumping over bar) “I hate my life.”

Angel Dust: “That’s cute, Charlie-horse.” (lean down to whisper at vaggie) “Ya sure she hasn’t already had any...?”

Vaggie: “I’m sure-”

Charlie: “-the whole PROBLEM is me NOT GETTING ANY!”

Vaggie: “Annnd now everyone knows it, perfect.”

Angel Dust: “Oh now this is JUICY!”

Charlie: “What everyone? I only told Angel…?”

Vaggie: “Angel can’t keep anything to himself, including himself.”

Angel Dust: “Spittin’ nothin’ but truths tonight, huh Maximum Vaggige? Cherri will love this- I’m gonna need ALL deets! Wait right here and I’ll get Husker fluff to loosen those gossipy tongues right up!!”

Vaggie: “Great. More tongue stuff.”

Charlie: “UGH.”

Vaggie: “….”

Charlie: “…”

Vaggie: “Charlie.”

Charlie: “Meh?”

Vaggie: “I swear, if I could kiss you right now without physically cringing, I would.”

Charlie: “...Vaggie.”

Vaggie: “Yeah?”

Charlie: “What if we’re never able to kiss again?”

Vaggie: “…”

Charlie: “…Vaggie this is the part where you say don’t be silly and reassure me.”

Vaggie: “I know.”

Charlie: “Tell me I’m being silly, Vaggie.”

Vaggie: “Charlie, I… I will always love you, no matter what.”

Charlie: “That’s-”(sitting bolt upright) “THAT’S NOT REASSURING!”

Vaggie: (slumping next to her at the bar) “Where the FUCK is Husk and those drinks.”

Jinx Just Wants Attention

*Caitlyn, Ekko and Vi Uncover Jinx Operating a Giant Mechanical Beast*

Caitlyn: Wha-You?! You made this? Why?!

Jinx: Well…I. I just wanted attention.

Caitlyn: I still don't understand.

Jinx: Well, first I hootenannied up a biomechanical brain wave generator, and then I learned to operate a stick-shift with one of my braids and-

Ekko: Okay, yeah. But WHY did you do it?

Jinx: I wanted attention, I already explained that.

Vi: Why didn’t you just tell us you wanted attention.

Jinx: Well, making a giant death robot seemed a lot easier than being emotionally vulnerable to you guys; also, it’s kind of my thing. Like when Silco was 30 minutes late picking me up, so I created a homicidal pterodactyl-tron or when Vi didn’t come to any of my birthdays-

Vi: I was in jail!

Jinx: - and I constructed an eighty-ton SHAME BOT THAT EXPLODED THE ENTIRE UNDERCITY!!

*Laughs like a maniac*

Jinx: Well, time to get back to work on my death ray!

I want to see another irken break into Zim’s base to try and find Zim’s weaknesses and/or kill him and instead find a bunch of objects that slowly reveal Zim’s past and just get weirder and weirder. It all takes place before Zim’s trial as well so things like the fact he worked with and was responsible for the death of Tallest Miyuki are completely unknown. So this irken is slowly going insane from learning weird facts about Zim’s past that get more outlandish as time goes on.

So it basically goes like this:

First object: Documents from Zim’s military training showing that he was promoted all the way to the rank of invader extremely fast, mostly due to his proficiency with explosives, incendiary devices and large vehicles. “Yeah that makes sense.“

Second object: An old labcoat from when Zim was a scientist. “That checks out, Zim did work as a scientist before he joined the military, so it makes sense that he would keep something as a souvenir.”

Third object: A PAK technician license that reveals that Zim was at some point, a fully licensed PAK technician and is still legally allowed to tamper with PAKs. “Kind of strange that Zim of all people was able to become a PAK technician, even stranger that he quit and became a scientist, which is lower in rank than a PAK technician, but not the weirdest thing ever.“

Fourth object: A letter that reveals that Zim was in line for a promotion to head scientist, recommended by Tallest Miyuki herself, dated a couple days before Miyuki’s death. “Definitely raises some questions, like why Miyuki would ever personally recommend Zim for anything and why Zim would ever join the military if he was going to be promoted to a high ranking scientific position. Maybe there were no other options. Maybe he was just a really good scientist.”

Fifth object: Proof that not only did Zim work directly with Tallest Miyuki, but was actually personally tutored by her in various sciences, technically making him Tallest Miyuki’s secret third apprentice. “This fact hits you like a metal chair to the back. It explains some things, but it also reveals that MIYUKI HAD A SECRET THIRD APPRENTICE AND THAT APPRENTICE WAS ZIM. And it only gets more insanity inducing when you think about how Miyuki’s other two apprentices are THE CURRENT TALLEST.”