My Troubled Dreams

I’m a motherfucking stargirl

I think I'm going to vomit actually yeah

I’m traumatized cause every time I wanted reassurance, clarification and to share my feelings it was perceived as trying to argue, shit has really turned me into a cold person

I have no real personality, I'm just some kind of monstrous amalgamation of the personalities of every person I've ever been friends with

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

what do you mean it’s “”not healthy”” for me to lock myself in my room all day and completely isolate myself from everyone

Wake up and suffer

With green eyes

You bluster

Out white lies

And white noise

With gap teeth

And white boys

Stupid mistakes

And you take

And you take

It'll all go away

When your bed is your grave

parent-child dynamics are soooo crazy. i love you i resent you i can't stand you i adore you i pity you. and still watching your hair get a little more grey every time i see you makes my stomach feel weird