Latest Posts by lykinthrope - Page 12
if earth was a big blue ball, i’d toss it for you to chase it
As someone who really struggles with unclear rules/concepts, being a system is a very difficult idea to grasp or accept personally. Every few years I go through a cycle of denial and then rediscovery and exploration that eventually I get frustrated with and abandon. Perhaps it's a lack of self assurance in myself. Whatever it is, I hope this time is different somehow.
It's hard to do the difficult thing when it's much easier to just continue trudging along in a fog.
A bad photoshop will always be funnier than an AI image no matter what
unfortunately it appears that i'm some kind of insane person
hey sorry it's just that i don't think i'm very good at being a person. thanks for letting me try with you, anyway.
CDD systems who do not fit textbook rules, those who are stuck in a grey area of syscourse, and those who just don't fit the boxes the community wants to squeeze you into--I see you, you're real and you're plural and deserving of a community. You're not alone.
CDD systems who are endogenic, you're not less deserving of CDD specific resources because of your origin.
CDD systems who are mixed origin, the above applies to you too.
CDD systems who are pro-endo, you do not deserve to be locked out of your community based on support for others.
CDD systems who have tulpas, you're not deserving of hate just because you created tulpas alongside your CDD.
CDD systems who have soulbonds, you're not any less real because you have them.
CDD systems who have healed past the point of being "disordered" anymore, you're not less plural just because you found a way to be plural and functional, and it certainly doesn't make you fake.
CDD systems (or ex-systems) who have integrated, you do not deserve to be shunned and removed from the community because you healed in a way that was right for you.
CDD systems who integrated and then gained a system in another way after, you are not less deserving of community because of how you live or how you've changed.
CDD systems who started out nondisordered and then became disordered later in life, your disorder didn't need to happen at any specific age for it to be real.
CDD systems don't need to fit every box. Most of the "rules" about what makes a CDD system "real" are literally made up in the context of syscourse. You're still plural. You don't need to fit in. It's isolating, to be barred access to resources made for you because of syscourse--but you are NOT alone. You can do this.
MOBILE ABOUT
── ⟢ ・⸝⸝ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Figuring me out– 24/7 work in progress. I’m an adult but don’t care who follows me, though expect to see adult content so beware. This is a blog for whatever, but mostly to help me explore myself a bit and to express myself freely. Anyone is welcome to follow or send asks or interact. I’m a friendly person. Oh and just in case you’re curious:
he/him or they/them preferred but any are okay
alternate names: Desmen, Stiles, or Shiloh
neurodivergent
don’t do discourse
the kin link is specifically for the main user, Shiloh (for everyone else click here)
link to kins for Shiloh
List of Tags
Most things will not be tagged. But to help me keep track of things, certain tags will be used to differentiate between users.
e.exe - a tag for Elin (ask for sideblog)
r.txt - a tag for Robin (ask for sideblog)
z.png - a tag for Zeke (ask for sideblog)
b.rar - a tag for Bev (ask for sideblog)
w.pdf- a tag for Wade (ask for sideblog)
p.dll- a tag for Peter
q.bak- a tag for Quwrof
what fucking hell dimension are y’all blogging from
i love poison omelette
MAJOR UPDATE: Questioning systems or systems in a doubt spiral pls read.
I recently told my therapist about potentially being a system. This was a scary move because she has previously had some iffy takes about systemhood. But I told her because I trusted that she would meet me where I was at and help me navigate , at the least, the general idea of not understanding my own brain if nothing else which I was ok with. I told her and it went as expected. I explained why I thought I might be a system but also the doubts I had about it and how it was distressing me to not understand myself. She agreed to use the language I was using for it and was happy to help me through (as is her job) and also because whether it was systemhood or not it was something in me that was trying to be seen and we would work on figuring out what it was.
Fast forward a few session, and I was going through another bout of "what the fuck even is my brain". I was starting to realize that my "systemhood" is very different from the things I've been seeing online. In the ways that it's different to other systems is: - I'm always in the front, always in the captains chair - I have no amnesia because I never switch out - My hyper-vigilance never lets me dissociate fully though i definitely "check out" in my own way - Head mates just feel like vague ideas or emotions
But the ways that are similar are: - These vague ideas or emotions have opinions and feelings that are different from my own. - Though they are vague, I can definitely tell they are separate from what I have come to understand as "me" - I become "a different person" in the sense of my attitude, vibe, behavior, and opinions change from where they were 5 mins ago, but I am still me, just a different me.
Anyway, I was already trying to make sense of all of this and was not planning on talking about it with my therapist because nervous... However, my therapist ask me about it first. She asked some clarifying questions about my partners system vs my own and how they are different. When I explained what I just wrote above to my therapist she said "Thats what I thought and I owe you an apology."
Basically, my therapist, like any good therapist should when confronted by something they don't know a lot about, had been doing research on complex forms of trauma and coping. Things in the same vain as CPTSD and Plurality including those two topics. She had specifically been reading a book called "The Body Keeps The Score" (TW it is a book about trauma and studies of trauma so it has details of case studies that some people may find incredibly triggering). I did some research on what exactly the book was talking about in regards to "systemhood" and from what I've found, chapter 14 at the end of a section called "Writing to yourself" and the first parts of chapter 17 have interesting information regarding systemhood and how its not entirely limited to things that are diagnosable like DID or OSDD. It seems to talk about how we all have several selves and trauma can get in the way of those selves communicating effectively. My therapist told me about this book and what she learned from it and apologized to me because the book made her realize that she was wrong and that I was in fact a system....
The session ended and I just kind of sat there... not sure how to feel but definitely feeling relief and validation.
After doing research on the book to write this I have some words of wisdom. If you are a questioning system or are doubting your validity remember this: The human brain is so incredibly complex and no one actually understands how it does anything beyond its basic physical functionality... the conceptual abilities of our mind are a mystery. How we define self is just theory. If you don't fit into boxes, labels, identities, or diagnoses that does not mean your experiences aren't real. You are going to be ok. Understand YOUR mind and how it works for YOU, not through a label or diagnosis. If those things come later, great! Do not let them destroy you just because you don’t fit perfectly. I am a system. Simply. No types, labels, or diagnosis. I am a system. I have a unique experience because my brain is no one elses. I am a system. I may not have people in my head in the traditional sense but I'm also not alone up here either. I am a system. I am a system. I am a system. Nobody has the right to deny me this for they do not live behind my eyes.
As I understand myself: I am a system.
